


Bereaved

by Minutebyminute



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Angst, Dark, Happy Ending, Heartbreak, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Sad, Suffering, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-24
Updated: 2017-07-02
Packaged: 2018-11-04 12:37:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 15
Words: 77,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10991088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Minutebyminute/pseuds/Minutebyminute
Summary: Bereaved = suffering the death of a loved one.A heartbreaking story about loss that will take you through a journey, showing you how it affects the bond between soulmates. Even the littlest of things can offer someone comfort in their time of need. No matter how dark it gets, the sun will rise again. And it’s possible to move on, from even the deepest of heartbreaks. Even though this story might contain things you normally wouldn’t want to read - namely the death of a major character - give it a try. The point of this story isn't to just get the character out of the way, but show how strongly the loss of a soulmate can affect the person left behind.





	1. Chapter 1

 

 

**_Though we’re tethered to the story we must tell_ **

**_When I saw you, well I knew we’d tell it well_ **

**_With a whisper we will tame the vicious seas_ **

**_Like a feather bringing kingdoms to their knees_ **

 

**_// Turning Page - Sleeping At Last_**  
  
  
———————————————————————-  


 

 

Even was on his way home. He had been driving for hours. It was late, dark. He was nearly there. He was late. He knew Isak was mad at him. He knew he would have to make it up to him tomorrow. But it was fine, he already had a plan. He always knew how to make Isak forgive him. It would take some persuading and begging and probably some flowers, but they would be fine. They always were.  
  
He grabbed the steering wheel of his Tesla tighter, pushed the button to turn up the music a little. He liked the song that was playing. It was familiar to him. He had actually been there when his husband had written it. Even smiled. It started raining, so the car’s automatic wipers turning on. Even knew people thought he was weird, but he actually liked the rain. The feel of it hitting his face. Memories of one particular night, walking hand in hand down the street with Isak, came to mind.  


 

  
_“Even! It’s fucking freezing!”  
  
“I think it’s nice. Let’s enjoy it some more before we go inside.”  
  
“We’ll get phenomena and die.”  
  
“It’s the middle of summer Isak Valtersen, just take it chill.”  
  
“Don’t tell me what to do.” Isak countered stubbornly.  
  
Even just laughed and pulled him into a kiss, shutting him up immediately.  
  
“Dance with me.” he smirked at his younger boyfriend.  
  
“What?”  
  
“Dance with me.”  
  
“You want to dance - in the rain?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“That’s cliche Even. Dancing in the rain.”  
  
“But you love cliches.”  
  
“I do.”_

 

 

 

 

When they had both graduated high school, Even had applied to a school in California, studying to be a movie director. It had been his plan all along, he and Isak had talked about it a lot. To his surprise, Isak had come with him, and gotten a degree in singing and acting. Even never knew that Isak had been interested in doing that. When he pointed it out, Isak said he hadn’t known what he wanted to become, but he knew he wanted to be with Even. And along the way, he seemed to really like his field. He enjoyed the singing more than the acting. But he excelled at both.

  


 

  
_“Even! I got another A!”  
  
“That’s great Isak! We should go out to dinner, to celebrate.”  
  
“Yes. I just have to Skype with mom and dad first, tell them too.”  
  
“Do that.” Even smiled fondly.  
  
“How did you final project go? The movie you made?” Isak asked as he opened his computer.  
  
Isak had agreed to play a role in Even’s final movie project, a movie that would decide whether he would make it in this business or not. Even had picked Isak to play the role not only because he was his boyfriend. That hadn't been the reason for his choice at all, actually. Even had made a movie about how it felt to be bipolar. He had filmed three versions of the same day, in one day the main character was experiencing mania. The other he was experiencing depression. And in the final one, he was experiencing it as a normal person.  
  
And he had chosen Isak out of all the people who auditioned because Isak knew exactly how to play those emotions. He had known them, lived them, through Even himself. So no, Isak wasn't the best of the actors that showed up for audition. But he had been the best actor for this particular role.  
  
“Got it back today.” Even smiled, and showed Isak the screen.  
  
“Dear Mr. Næsheim, I’m happy to inform you that your movie have been selected for this year’s movie festival…” Isak read out loud, before looking up at Even. “Baby.. You made it. You actually did it. You made it as a director.”  
  
“Well now, we have to see after the festival, but-“  
  
“You made it Even. Oh my god I’m so proud of you!” Isak jumped into Even’s arms, his own laptop and the Skype call to his parents forgotten.  
  
“Thank you. I’m kind of proud of me too.” Even smiled. “But it wouldn't have been possible without you.” he said, hugging his boyfriend back.  
  
“You would have found someone else to act in it.” Isak smiled.  
  
“It wouldn't have been as good.”  
  
“I think it would have. You're amazing Even.”  
  
“And so are you.” Even pulled away, blue eyes meeting green. “Isak Valtersen, will you marry me?”  
  
“What?”  
  
“I know we are young, and that the last time I talked about marriage I freaked you out, but I love you so much and I can’t imagine my life without you-“  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“-and I know that- wait. What?”  
  
“I said yes.” Isak laughed fondly, tears of joy in his eyes. “Yes Even Bech Næsheim, I will marry you.”_  
  
  
  
Even’s movie had been rated among the best at the movie festival and as soon as Isak were finished with his degree, they decided it was time to move back home. Well, it was Even who wanted to go back home. He missed his family, his hometown. His friends. He knew that Isak didn't particularly want to go back to Oslo, still not on the best of terms with his parents. Their relationship got better with some help from Even, but Isak never moved back in with his parents and they didn't go over for regular dinners and stuff. Marianne was in and out of the hospital, and Even and Isak went to visit her a couple of times. But during their time in California, Isak became so much more happy, not having the weight of his dysfunctional family hanging over him. When Even suggested the move, Isak had been sad for a few days, asking for time to consider it. And when they sat down to talk, Even was expecting an argument or something. But Isak just said he would go back with him. That no matter what, he wanted to be with Even, because Even was his home.  
  
And that’s how Even felt about Isak too. Isak was his home. But Even was so much more happy in Norway than in California. Though he would have stayed there, for Isak, if that was what Isak wanted. Maybe they could move back someday.  


When they came back to Norway, Even had made another movie, and Isak had played a smaller role in this one. It had been a movie about loss of a loved one. Not loss like dying, she just disappeared inside herself. Her personality changed. She became mentally ill, kind of like Isak’s mother. The people she lived with became strangers to her. The movie got great reviews. After that, they hadn’t worked that much together. Even continued to direct movies and Isak moved on with his career as a singer instead. He started a band actually, parallel to moving back home. His old friends from Nissen still hadn't figured out their lives, but they all enjoyed music, and upon finding out that Mahdi knew how to play drums they formed a band. For a year or so they only played for fun, but after Even recorded them one night and put it out on youtube, they suddenly got a call, asking if they wanted to sign with a record label. So they did. And a year later, they released their first album.  


  
  
  
_Isak had wanted a spring wedding, but Even had insisted on a winter one.  
  
“We have to get married on the day we became boyfriends.”  
  
“Which was?”  
  
“Well.. It was in December.”  
  
“And? We didn't really ask each other you know, we sort of just… floated into it.”  
  
“Okay, so what about the ninth?”  
  
“I don’t quite follow Even. My memory is a little fuzzy from that time.”  
  
“It was the night you saved me back. December ninth, 2016.”  
  
“Oh.”  
  
“Oh as in it’s a bad idea?”  
  
“No. It’s perfect. December ninth it is then.”  
_

 

_  
-  
_

 

 

_  
“Are you nervous?” Mikael asked him. They were in the church. The ceremony was starting in five minutes. People were probably filling the church right now. Family, friends. Coworkers.  
  
“Terrified.”  
  
“Why? I thought this was your dream, marrying Isak?”  
  
“Oh it is.”  
  
“Then why are you terrified?”  
  
“Because I’m scared to say the wrong thing up there. I’m scared my vows aren't good enough. I’m scared he will change his mind.”  
  
“Even Bech Næsheim. I’ve known you for years. Since we were young. You will probably say the most romantic things ever. And people will cry. And it will be epic. Just like you. And Isak won’t leave. He has stuck by you this long, hasn't he?”  
  
“True.”  
  
“Then I’m sure he means it when he promises to stay forever.”  
  
“Forever is a long time.”  
  
“That depends. Some people only get a few years you know. People who are terminally ill or get killed in accidents. Their forever’s are short.”  
  
“You’re right. I’m sorry.” He had forgotten that Mikael’s girlfriend had gotten killed a few years ago. She had slipped and fallen in front of the subway, died instantly. Even had been by his friend’s side for the aftermath. He had flown back from California and stayed with Mikael for almost two months. Isak came with him for the funeral, but went back to California right after. It had been hard to live so far apart for months, but they managed. Mikael needed him, so Even had stayed.  
  
“Don’t sweat it. Just go out there and marry the man of your dreams.” Mikael smiled at him.  
  
“You’re coming with me. You’re my best man after all.”  
  
“I know. And when the day comes, you will be mine too.”  
  
Even just smiled, and pulled his friend in for a hug. He had come such a long way, moved on from his loss and started to live again. He was moving on, and Even was so proud of him. But he also knew he could never do that himself. If he ever lost Isak, he would never survive it.  
  
“I’m proud of you Mikael.” Even whispered.  
  
“I’m proud of you too.” Mikael whispered back, his voice telling Even that he was on the verge of tears. Even hugged his friend for another few minutes.  
  
Then they walked out of the changing room and into the church together.  
  
-  
  
Standing there, in front of family and friends, looking into Isak’s green eyes, all nervousness left his body. Because all he could see, all that mattered, was Isak.  
  
“Isak Valtersen. I have been in love with you since the first time I saw you. And getting to know you, I just fell harder and harder and harder. To the point where there will never be a return. Before I met you I was convinced that I was destined for a crappy life. I let my diagnose run my life. But you helped me see all that I could be and all that I am. You are the sun and moon in my life. My soulmate. My forever after. The man of my dreams. I vow to love you for the rest of my life. And in the next life. And in every parallel universe. In sickness and in health, to death do us part, I promise to love you no matter what happens.”  
  
  
“Even Bech Næsheim. You helped me see who I really was. You helped me overcome my darkest fears. You helped me find my way in life. When I met you I was a grumpy teenager who was so deep in the closet I was in freakin’ Narnia. Now I am standing here, in front of everyone we know and love, and marrying you. The man of my dreams. You are, and will forever be, my soulmate, my everything. The sun in my life, the lifeline I hold onto. I vow to love you forever. The good and the bad, come hell or high water. To death do us part, and in every parallel universe. Minute by minute for the rest of forever. I promise to love you, no matter what happens.”  
_

 

_The reception was magical. All their friends gave wonderful speeches. During Jonas’ speech, Even could swear he saw Isak shedding a tear. Isak’s dad even gave a speech, so warm and full of love that Even couldn't help but cry a little himself. It was truly the perfect wedding.  
_

 

_  
“I get to love you, it’s the best thing that I’ll ever do._

_I get to love you, it’s a promise I’m making to you._

_Whatever may come; your heart I will choose._

_Forever I’m yours, forever I do._

_I get to love you, I get to love you.”  
  
  
They slow danced to the song. Their song. They had spent so much time picking one favourite song over the years, and this one was the one who held all their dearest memories, moments, precious minutes. It was theirs, and in the end, they didn't even have to pick it. It had been a mutual agreement, after a night of a bit too much wine and making love in a hotel room somewhere in Europe, on a tour or a movie set or just a holiday. Even couldn't remember and it didn't matter, because it wasn't the point. The point was, it had become their song. Through good times and bad, they would text it and sing it to each other, put it on to cheer the other one up. Make love while it played in the background. Listen too it as they travelled around the world.  
  
It was their song.  
  
Even looked into Isak’s song, feeling like he couldn't possibly ever be any happier than he was right now, in this moment. And by the look in Isak’s eyes, he was feeling the exact same thing._

 

 

_“They say love is a journey, I promise that I’ll never leave._

_When it’s too heavy to carry, remember this moment with me._

_I get to love you, I get to love you,_

_I get to love you.”_

 

_-_

 

 

_  
Later that night, they had decided on additional vows, drunk on champagne and watching a re-run of grey’s anatomy while sitting on the bed in their wedding-suite. They had just watched the part where Meredith and Derek get married on a post-it, and decided to write their own.  
  
“To never go to bed angry.” Isak said.  
  
“To always say ‘I love you’, no matter how hard we fight.”  
  
“To never stay mad at each other for longer than a day. And always talk things through, instead of bottling them up until it becomes an issue.”  
  
“To never give up on each other.”  
  
“To always take care of each other, no matter what happens.”  
  
“To always kiss each other good night.”  
  
“And if we have kids, we are never going to give them a home like I had. No matter how hard it becomes, we will never put a child through that.” Isak said.  
  
Even looked up, and didn't write that one down right away. “You want us to have kids?”  
  
“Maybe. I don’t know. Not now. We have chosen lives that aren't compatible with raising children right now. But maybe some day. In the future. When I decide I don’t want to be in a band anymore or you decide you're done direction movies all the time. When we settle down more, and stay home more. Maybe one day. You don’t?”  
  
“I do. One day Isak, we will have kids. And they will have the perfect home, I swear.” He leaned over, and kissed Isak deeply. “How about some more of that champagne?”  
  
“Yes.” Isak smirked, and just like that, the serious talk was over. They never talked about kids again. But they did frame the post-it and put it on their bedroom-wall._  
  


The discussion about where they would spend their honeymoon wasn't actually a discussion. They both wanted to go to Paris, but since they got married in December, they figured out a compromise. The honeymoon would be on Harbour Island, in the Bahamas. But when summer came they would take an additional trip, to Paris. The City of love. Even had suggested the idea and Isak had just said yes.  
  
  
  
_They had just arrived at their hotel. Or cabin, was more like it. It was placed at the beach, close to the water. Even was unpacking the last of his stuff, and looked at his beautiful husband. Isak was standing by the window, looking out at the ocean. Even smiled at the sight. He pulled out the tiny bluetooth speaker he had brought with him, and put on a song, making Isak turn around in surprise.  
  
“Dance with me.” Even said, holding out a hand.  
  
Isak looked unsure for about a second, before he smiled softly. “What’s the occasion?” He grabbed Even’s hand carefully.  
  
Even shrugged and pulled Isak closer, so tightly that their chests almost collided. “I’m in the Bahamas with my beautiful husband, do I need another occasion?”  
  
“Not at all.” Isak smiled fondly at him.  
  
_

 

_I am not the only traveler_

_Who has not repaid his debt_

_I've been searching for a trail to follow again_

_Take me back to the night we met_

_  
  
  
“Sing to me.” Even whispered.  
  
“Why?”  
  
“Because I love the sound of your voice.”  
  
“You hear me sing all the time.”  
  
“But never directly too me.”  
  
Isak stopped their dancing for a minute, grabbed the back of Even’s neck and forced him to look into his husband’s green eyes. “Even. I’m always singing to you. Always.”  
  
“You are?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
  
_

_And then I can tell myself_

_What the hell I'm supposed to do_

_And then I can tell myself_

_Not to ride along with you  
  
  
_

_Even smiled brightly at his husband, pulled him along again, made him dance with him. “I never realised.”  
  
“Shame.”  
  
“But will you sing to me? This song?”  
  
“I will.”  
  
_

 

_I had all and then most of you, some and now none of you_

_Take me back to the night we met_

_I don't know what I'm supposed to do, haunted by the ghost of you_

_Oh take me back to the night we met  
  
  
  
And Even let himself get lost in the beauty of Isak’s voice, those deep green eyes filled with so much love. He would remember this moment forever. Like so many other moments. They would forever stay precious to him.  
  
He remembered a quote he once read:  
  
“A relationship should not me measured in months or years. It’s the calibre of the memories that matter. Their impact, their permanence, and the degree which they change you. I’ve had relationships lasting years I can now scarcely recollect, and hours with others that feel like infinities.”  
  
His relationship with Sonja had been the first kind. The kind that lasted long and didn't matter much. His relationship with Isak was the other kind. The kind that had changed Even, the kind that left him with endless supplies of great memories. Even the bad times were turned into good memories, because Isak was so good to him. He hoped they would stay together forever, he hoped he would get to grow old with this beautiful, kind, amazing husband.  
  
Husband. Even could hardly believe it still. He made sure to say it, think it, breathe it, as much as he could. But it felt like a high he was never coming down from. Unlike his mania, it wasn't an uncontrollable high, just a pleasurable one.  
  
Looking into Isak’s eyes right now, as they danced slowly and the younger one sang softly, he knew that Isak felt the same. And he hoped it would last forever.  
  
_

 

_When the night was full of terror_

_And your eyes were filled with tears_

_When you had not touched me yet_

_Oh take me back to the night we met_

_  
  
  
“I love you, Isak Valtersen.”  
  
“I love you too, Even Bech Næsheim. Maybe I’ll have to change my mind. Take your last name.” Isak smirked.  
  
“Nah. You don’t have to do that. Keep your name, so you won’t just be known as ‘the husband of that movie director’.” Even teased, leaning in for a quick but soft kiss.  
  
“Oh, really now. You're just not worried about you being the one known as ‘the husband of that rockstar’, huh?” Isak continued the banter, smiling so brightly that Even could have melted just then and there.  
  
“Never baby. I wouldn’t care either way. I love you just the same, whether you take my name or not.” he said, sincerely. Because he truly didn't mind either way. They were just as married without changing their names. He had debated for a while to take Isak’s last name, but in the end he decided to keep his own. Mostly because Isak told him to. Said he liked it, that he wouldn't want to change a single thing about Even.  
  
Even appreciated that. Every little thing Isak did that made a huge difference for him. Taking care of him, always finding the right words to make him smile, making sacrifices for Even’s happiness. Sometimes Even worried he was asking too much and giving too little. But Isak told him time and time again that he didn't mind. That he loved Even so much it wasn't anything that would ever be too much.  
  
Even looked into those beautiful green eyes now. How brightly they sparked, how much love shined in them. He could drown in those eyes forever. He felt his heart swell with love.  
  
“You better.” Isak whispered.  
  
“I truly love you Isak. With all of my heart, body and soul. I am yours, forever.”  
  
“And I’m yours. Forever, in infinite time.”  
  
_

 

 

_I had all and then most of you, some and now none of you_

_Take me back to the night we met_

_I don't know what I'm supposed to do haunted by the ghost of you_

_Take me back to the night we met_  
  
  
  
  
Despite going different paths with their careers, after they had gotten married they bought an apartment and stayed together. Made sure to spend time together, doing things they both liked. Neither changed their name. They talked about it several times. But their careers had taken off and they were known by ‘Valtersen’ and ‘Bech Næsheim’. Somehow it sounded silly to change it now.  
  
Some days Even regretted not having done it the day they got married. Either changed his or joined both of theirs. But every time he brought it up, Isak shut it down. ‘It doesn’t matter honey. I love you no matter what, why you feel like we have to have the same last name?’ which always made Even feel a little silly for brining it up. But the more he thought about it, the more he wanted it. So he had made up his mind. He would just change his now. Tomorrow it would be ten years since they started dating, five since they got married.

 

Which returns to the reason Isak was mad at him; He had promised to go on a vacation on their anniversary. 

 

 

 

 

_“Seriously? You’re going to Bergen to film? We have an anniversary in two weeks Even!”_

 

_“And I’ll be home for that.”_

 

_“You promised we would go on a holiday this year.”_

 

_“We will.”  
  
“You always get so wrapped up in your projects Even, I know you can’t just leave and come back after two weeks. You won’t even remember I exist until your done filming.”  
  
“That’s not true Isak.”  
  
“But it is! You go for weeks without even calling me, or bothering to answer any of my calls or texts! I have to call your assistant to check if you're alive. Sometimes I wonder if you really care about me at all.”_

_  
“That was a low blow Isak.”  
  
“I’m sorry. I was just really looking forward to this trip with you. We haven't spent so much time together lately and I miss you Even. I miss us. I miss late nights and days in bed and just focusing on each other.”  
  
“I miss that too. And I promise I will be home in time for the trip. I just need to start filming over there, and then we will go on our holiday and when we return I will go back to filming. Okay?”_

 

_“You PROMISE to be home in time?”_

 

_“I promise.”_

 

 

 

 

And here he was. Their flight was leaving in 5 hours so he wouldn’t get much sleep. It was the middle of the night. But he would be home in less than twenty minutes. He would be home. He would be keeping his promise.  
  
As he pulled up at a red stoplight, he pulled out his phone and typed out a text to Isak.  
  


  
**  
_FROM EVEN TO ISAK  
  
I’ll be home in twenty minutes.  
Love you._**  
  


  
  
He thought about their last conversation, before he left Bergen that night. He had called Isak as he started driving, having forgotten the time again, which lead to him running around his hotel room, throwing things into a bag and cursing underneath his breath.

 

  
_“I’m on my way now.”  
  
“You said you would be back yesterday. We were going to go out and buy new clothes and pack for our vacation today and relax at home. You promised to be back in time.”  
  
“I’m literally on my way Isak. I just lost track of time, this scene we were filming was amazing and-“  
  
“Even. You always fucking do this. Have you forgotten your meds again?”  
  
“That was a low blow Isak. You know I take them. We just had to film this last scene and the lighting were perfect today. It’s my job. I will be home for the trip.”  
  
“You made a promise. A promise Even. That used to mean something to you. It still means something to me.”  
  
“And you think it doesn't mean anything to me?”  
  
“Doesn’t seem like it anymore.”  
  
“We’ll talk about this when I get home Isak.”  
  
“By the time you're home I’ll be sleeping.”  
  
“Please wait up for me?”  
  
“I don’t think so Even.” And then Isak hung up on him._

 

 

 

He put his phone down and waited for the lights to change. When they went green, he let go of the break-pedal and put his foot on the gas-pedal of his Tesla. It started moving forward.  
  
He moved his hand to turn up the stereo, one of his favourite songs started to play. It was one of Isak’s, or rather, Isak’s band’s. He smiled, feeling himself relax. Isak’s voice was so soft, so smooth, making him feel at home.  
  


 

_“I’ve waited a hundred years_

_But I’d wait a million more for you_

_Nothing prepared me for_

_What the privilege of being yours would do_

 

_If I had only felt the warmth within your touch_

_If I had only seen how you smile when you blush_

_Or how you curl your lip when you concentrate enough_

_Well I would have known_

_What I was living for all along_

_What I’ve been living for”_

 

 

  
Home. He would be there soon. He couldn’t wait to crawl into bed with Isak, pull him into his arms and hug him and kiss him until the younger one just had to forgive him.

 

 

 

_“Your love is my turning page_

_Where only the sweetest words remain_

_Every kiss is a cursive line_

_Every touch is a redefining phrase_

 

_I surrender who I’ve been for who you are_

_For nothing makes me stronger than your fragile heart_

_If I had only felt how it feels to be yours_

_Well I would have known_

_What I’ve been living for all along_

_What I’ve been living for”_

 

  
  
Suddenly there was the high pitched noise of brakes on wet asphalt, a bright light filling his car and a loud crashing sound as something his his car. And the car flipped and flipped and then it hit something - a building or a lamppost or street sign. It was impossible for him to know which. It didn't matter either. Everything hurt, he could feel blood dripping down his forehead.  
  
The last thought on his mind was Isak. He needed to hold on for Isak. Then it was all dark.  
  
  
  
And then there was nothing.  
  


 

 

  
  


————————————————————————————————-

 

 

 

 

**_“How many Isaks and Evens do you think are laying like this, right now?”_ **

 

**_“Infinite.”_ **

 

**_“In infinite time.”_ **

 

**_“Yes.”  
  
// Isak and Even - SKAM season 3_ ** _  
  
_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Songs:  
I Get To Love You - Ruelle  
The Night We Met - Lord Huron  
Turning Page - Sleeping At Last**


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will borrow several songs during this fic for Isak’s band, because I can’t write any songs of my own. All songs will be credited to their rightful owners.
> 
> The parts written in italic is Even's POV and set during the same time as season 3 of SKAM. It’s my version of his POV during season 3 basically. The rest is 'present time' (aka the future) and in Isak's POV.
> 
> I'm sorry if it's confusing.
> 
> And I'm sorry about hurting our babies.

 

 

 

 

 

**«Freezing, choking, getting tongue-tied – there’s a reason it happens. We lose our words because the stakes are so high and we have so much to lose. We’re petrified of saying too much or saying it wrong. When the truth is, the only wrong thing you can say is nothing at all.”  
// Grey’s Anatomy**

 

——————

 

 

 

  
  
  
The doorbell rung. It was four o’clock in the morning. Who the fuck would ring the doorbell at this hour. And then he remembered that Even was on his way home. So either he had forgotten his keys in the car again, or he wanted to be romantic or some shit to try and make Isak forgive him. Right now Isak was too pissed for this shit, and he debated just staying in bed, leaving Even to himself. If he really had forgotten his keys, he could go back down and get them. Great plan. Isak turned over, closed his eyes again.  
  
But the doorbell rung again. And a third time. And Isak got out of bed, pulled on a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt and walked to the door, grumpily. He was so pissed at Even right now. He had promised to be home. But he always did this. Always came up with an excuse. ‘The light was perfect’ ‘the setting was just right’ ‘the mood was electric’. The excuses never ran out. Isak was not in the mood to hear it again.  
  
He opened unlocked the door and angrily pulled it open. He didn't even lift his eyes up to look before he started talking, anger strong in his voice. He almost spat the words. “Did you forget-“  
  
Isak stopped talking. It wasn't Even on the other side of the door. It was two police officers. One tall and skinny man with black hair and grey eyes and a shorter, strong looking blond man, a few years older. Well, it wasn't the first time Isak had the police at the door. Maybe Even had been manic then. It had happened plenty of times before.  
  
Anger left him, replaced by a twig of guilt. If Even had been manic he was probably going to feel like shit when he came down, and nothing Isak could say or do would help. It would be weeks of sleeping and crying and darkness. That all consuming darkness that Isak had learned to accept and handle, but at the same time loath. The darkness that stole his bright and happy husband for weeks at the time.  
  
“Isak Valtersen?” the older one asked.  
  
“Yes?” Isak said.  
  
“We need you to come with us.” They wouldn't look him in the eye, and the older looking guy sounded serious and Isak could swear he heard pity in his voice too.  
  
“Why?” Isak asked, weariness in his voice. What was going on?  
  
“Please, just come with us.”  
  
Okay, so now he was officially worried. What had Even done this time? Usually they just informed him that there had been an incident with his husband. But the look on their faces told him this was much worse than running around town naked or climbing up the side of a building or running on the motorway. No, this was something else.  
  
Isak just put on a pair of shoes and pulled on a jacket, mind racing a million miles an hour, and grabbed his keys and phone before following the police officers. They made him get into their car and started driving. They didn't go to the police station. They went to the hospital. Isak followed them mutely. Had Even hurt himself again? He hadn't sounded like he was out of his mind, on top of a high, when Isak spoke to him on the phone. Like he usually did when he had a really bad manic episode.  
  
They escorted him into a room, where he was met by Even’s parents and a doctor. Lisa was crying. Andreas was pale. Isak started to connect the dots. This was bad. This was really bad. This wasn't just mania. This was something else entirely. Something really bad had happened to Even.  
He was asked to sit down. He sat down slowly, next to Lisa.  
  
Waited for the doctor to speak. For some reason he found himself wanting to ask her to wait. He wasn't ready. He just needed a little more time. He needed time to move slower. He needed more time.  
  
“Your husband was driving across an intersection when a trailer ran a red-light and slammed into his car. The other driver was drunk. Your husband’s car got crushed between the trailer and a streetlight.” she looked from Isak, to the police officers and over to Lisa. Then she continued. ”When he came in he was severely injured. One of those injuries were to his head. He had a bleeding in the brain, and we couldn't stop it in time.”  
  
And now Isak was officially praying for time to just stop. He didn't want to hear the next words. He knew what was coming next, after watching so many stupid episodes of Grey’s Anatomy with Even. This wasn't good. This was bad. And he wanted it all to stop. He wanted the time to stop and rewind, he wanted to stop this from happening.  
  
But it’s a funny thing, time. It just keeps running, and you can’t ever hit pause. You can’t rewind. You can’t stop. You can’t go back. You can only hold on tight and watch it go forwards.  
  
“I’m so sorry, but Even is braindead.”  
  
And just like that, Isak’s whole world collapsed.  


 

 

  
  
—————————————————————————

 

 

 

 

 

 

_The first time Even Bech Næsheim saw Isak Valtersen was his first day at Hartvig Nissen high school. He didn't learn his name that day, but he saw him immjdeatly. And everyday after that, he found himself searching for that blond haired boy everywhere he looked.  
  
He had decided to transfer his last year of high school after what happened at Elvebakken last year. A new beginning, a fresh start. He had planned to just keep his head low, not make too many friends and just get through the year. Pass high school, and move on with his life.  
  
But then he saw him, the blond haired boy who looked like an angel.  
  
-  
  
Even spent weeks trying to figure out the boy’s name. And when he finally did, by overhearing a conversation between the boy, who’s name was Isak, and his friends, he found himself doodling it in all his notebooks.  
  
He almost considered joining Facebook again, just so he could find him there. But he didn’t. He did however stalk him on instagram a few times.  
  
Sonja started pestering him about paying less and less attention to her. And he made up excuses. But the real reason was simple: Even wasn't in love with Sonja anymore. He hadn't been for a while, but it was just easier to stay with her than be alone, he figured. He knew he had loved her. And he knew why he had stopped. All the controlling, pestering him about what to do and what not to do… It made him resent her instead. But he was scared to be alone._

_  
  
Knowing the boy’s name didn't help much, he still didn't know how to get to know him. He just knew he had to. He just had a feeling about this boy. A feeling he hadn't had about anyone else, ever. He had to know him. He had to.  
  
He considered bumping into him in the hallways on purpose. But he was always with his friends. And the few times he wasn’t, Even just couldn't find the courage to go over to him. For all he knew, the boy wasn't even into guys. He had heard some rumours about how much of a lady’s man Isak Valtersen was. But he himself had that rumour, despite actually being pansexual.  
  
And Even knew better than anyone to not judge a book by it’s cover. So he just had to way patiently until he found an opportunity to talk to Isak Valtersen alone.  
  
And until then he learned what he could about the younger boy._

  


 

——————————————————————

  
  
  
  
The nurses guided him down the hall. He felt numb. He lifted one foot and placed it in front of the others. He couldn't feel the pressure of his feet against the floor. He couldn't feel the nurse’s hand on his arm, but he could see it. He just couldn't feel any of it. He didn't even feel like he existed right now. He didn't want to exist. With every step he wanted to bolt. Run the other way. But he couldn’t. He couldn't think, he couldn't make a decision, he couldn't do anything but just follow the nurse leading him.  
  
And then they suddenly stopped. And they were at a door. And Isak knew what awaited him on the other side of that door. His husband. But not really. It would only be his body, and a lot of machines keeping him alive. The doctor had explained it all. Isak had just stared at her blankly. He hadn't cried yet. He knew he would. But he hadn’t. Yet. He had just focused on not falling apart. Focused on breathing.  
  
This wasn't real. It couldn't be real. It had to be a mistake. It couldn't be true. His Even couldn't be gone. He just couldn’t. They were lying. Or they had gotten the ID wrong. That was is. Even had probably lost his wallet while trying to help or something and they had misidentified the person who was now braindead. It had to be like that. It had to.  
  
But Even’s mother asked that question. How they could be sure it was Even. And then the police supplied his wallet, keys, broken iPhone and told them the registration number of the smashed up Tesla. And Isak just knew. This was real. It was happening. Even was braindead. He was gone.  
  
He looked at the door. Even would be behind it. But it wouldn't _be_ Even. Just his body. His husband was gone forever. This was goodbye. But it wouldn't really be goodbye either, because they wouldn't actually speak. Even was already gone. Isak would just say goodbye to his body, not his mind, his soul.  
  
The nurse pushed the door open slowly, and Isak tried to find his voice, to tell her to stop, to tell her he wasn't ready to do this yet. He needed more time. He needed time to process this. He needed time to stop. He needed time to rewind. But he knew it was impossible. Time never stopped, nor did it rewind. Not for anyone.  
  
‘The love story isn't epic unless somebody dies.’ he remembered Even saying a few times. But theirs had been the exception. Isak had been so sure of it. They were going to grow old together. Bicker in their old age. Maybe have children and grandchildren, maybe not. As long as they were together it didn't matter.  
  
But now they would never have that. And thinking about it, those words Even had said such a long time ago, made him sick. He could taste bile, and feared he would throw up right then and there. The room started spinning around him and he grabbed the nurse’s arm to steady himself.  
  
The door opened and revealed Even, laying in a hospital bed that seemed so huge, his body looking so small. His face was badly bruised. He was hooked up to so many tubes and wires Isak didn't bother counting them. All he could focus on was the rising and falling of Even’s chest. Like he was breathing. But he knew he wasn’t. He knew it was the machine doing it for him. He knew it wasn't real. But it looked so real.  
  
He slowly walked closer to the bed, stopped next to it. His eyes drifted over Even’s body. His skin looked so pale. His face, despite being bruised, looked peaceful, in a way. He wasn't in pain. Isak let his eyes drift down to Even’s hand, and slowly, he grabbed his husband’s hand.  
  
And that’s when the tears started falling. Because it _felt_ like Even. It still felt like Even. His hand was warm and soft and just so… Even. Isak grabbed onto it harder, letting the tears fall. Then they turned into sobs. And his knees buckled under him. And he was hanging onto the bed, holding Even’s hand, sobbing his heart out.  
  
The pain consumed him. He felt like he couldn't breathe. He literally couldn't draw a breath. He was just gasping for air, sobbing so hard his whole body was trembling. He held onto Even’s hand like it was his life line. And maybe in this minute, it was.  
  
The nurse came over to him, tried to comfort him. Tried to help him catch his breath. It didn't help. It only made matters worse. He shrugged her off, fought against her hands.  
  
Suddenly two arms wrapped around him, holding him tight. It was Anders, Even’s dad. “Isak. Breathe. Just breathe with me. Just focus on breathing. Count slowly to four, and take a deep breath. Breathe with me, son.”  
  
At first he tried to fight it, get away. He wanted to just die right now, so it would just fucking stop.  
  
But fighting was useless, and Isak just surrendered and did as he was told. And the minutes ticked by. And he was breathing again. But the tears never stopped falling. He couldn't stop crying. And he couldn't let go of Even’s hand. Not now. He never wanted to let go. But he knew he had to. Just not yet.  
  
  
  
—————————————————————————————  
  
  
_It was perfect. That blonde excited girl came over to him and asked him to join her group. Kosegroup she called it, and he knew at once that it wouldn't be anything for him. But he politely told her he would consider it. And then he saw her talking to Isak and his friends, and he saw an opportunity. If Isak went, they might just bump into each other or be placed next to each other and he would be able to talk to him.  
  
Figure out if it was just something he imagined, or if there was any chemistry there.  
  
When he walked down the hallway the next day, his eyes fell upon the signup sheet.  
  
Isak Valtersen.  
  
And just like that, Even was going.  
  
“Why are you doing this Even? After what happened last year? What happened to keeping a low profile and just getting through school?” Sonja was yelling at him again.  
  
That was how their relationship had been since he started school. And he knew it was because he was so hung up on this guy. This perfect looking, blond guy named Isak.  
  
He was treating Sonja like she didn't even exist because of a boy he hadn't ever spoken too. While that wasn't the only reason, he suddenly felt a pang of remorse.  
  
“Only because I promised I would come and check it out. To be polite. I just want to make some new friends. I won’t make any commitments to the group without talking to you about it okay?”  
  
“That’s not what I meant Even. Don’t be like that.”  
  
“I know. I’m sorry. I’ll go tonight because I promised, and we’ll talk about this. Okay?”  
  
“Okay.”_

 

 

_-  
_

_  
He tried sitting down close to Isak, and worked on a plan to go and talk to the younger boy, but as soon as the blond girl suggested a game, Isak walked out. Even debated following him, but the girl next to him started speaking to him, so he had to join the game.  
  
When it was suggested that they could take a break, Even went to the bathroom. And by luck, as he was washing his hands, Isak came out of one of the stalls.  
  
And Even’s mind went blank. So when he finished washing his hands, he started grabbing the paper towels. And while trying to figure out what to say, he suddenly realised he had taken all the paper towels. He decided to try and play it cool, by acting like nothing. He turned to walk out (and look at Isak) and feigned surprise. “Oh, did you also need paper-towels?”  
  
When Isak didn't answer him, he just picked up one of the unused paper towels and handed it to Isak. When the blond boy still didn't answer him, he lifted his eyebrows took the joint he had tucked behind his ear down and said “Join me outside.”  
  
  
-_

 

_He went outside and sat down on a bench, lighting up his joint. Seconds later Isak came after him. So he hadn't scared him of, yet. Good. He smiled and handed the joint to the younger boy, who accepted it and sat down next to him, taking a hit. “Do you know that group leader lady?” he asked, trying desperately to start the conversation._

 

_“Vilde?” Isak smiled at him, a hidden laugh in his voice._

 

_“Yeah.”_

 

_“With her love-game?”_

 

_“Yeah, what was that?”  
  
Isak laughed and Even knew just then and there, he was in love. “I just had to leave, I couldn't deal with that. What happened?” Isak asked him.  
  
And Even considered telling him what they had done, but he decided he wanted to test the younger boy’s sense of humour (and see his reaction) so instead he said “She made us walk around in a dark room an feel each other up. And if you touched a dick, you had to suck it.”_

 

_“No?!” Isak’s face was twisted in a ‘are you kidding me’ look, like he half believed it but not really. More like he couldn't believe that Even had just joked about something like this._

 

_“No.” Even laughed back.  
  
They ended up sharing a small laughter, and continued to pass the joint back and forwards._

 

_“What class are you in?”_

 

_“3STB.”_

 

_“You didn't go here last year?”_

 

_“No. Bakka.”_

 

_“You switched the last year?”  
  
Just as he was about to answer a question he hadn't made up a white lie about yet, he was saved by the bell. Or as he figured out after a few seconds; they were approached by the competition. This short haired annoying girl seemed to be really hung up on Isak.  
  
Even picked up immediately that Isak didn't want to hang out with this girl, and he found himself gloating inside. He decided to save Isak from having to tell the girl off by pretending that they had already made plans to be on a group. (The group leader had told them to go together and form groups of two, to work together within the group)  
  
But the annoying girl was persistent.  
  
But then again, so was Even.  
_  


————————————————————————  
  
  
  
At some point someone had placed a chair next to Even’s bed, and made Isak sit down in it. He didn't know when or who, and he did care. He only watched Even. His face. The rise and fall of his chest. The rhythmic beeping of the monitors, indicating that his heart was still beating.  
  
  
Only it wasn't beating on it’s own. It was beating because of the machines. Even was gone. He wasn't here anymore. Only an empty shell that looked like Even. Felt like Even. But wasn't Even. Isak was all out of tears by now. He refused any offerings of food or something to drink. He refused to look away from Even. He refused to speak.  
  
  
Even’s parents had called his own. They, his sister Lea and Even’s older sister Sandra came. Isak ignored them all, shrugged them off when they tried to hug him. He didn't want them here. Any of them. He wanted to be left alone with Even. He wanted to be left alone forever. Why wouldn't they just leave?  
  
The night turned into day and the day into night and suddenly Isak couldn't remember how long he had been sitting there. Everyone left the room for a little while. They had been asked out in the hall by a doctor. Isak had refused to come. He wanted to be alone with Even.  
  
“Even..” he whispered.  
  
“Even, please. I need you. Please…”  
  
The only response was the rhythmic beeping of the heart monitor. The steady beeping sound that along with Even’s hand had become Isak’s lifeline.  
  
Tears started streaming down his face again. “Even..” he whispered again, voice breaking. “Please don’t leave me.” He couldn't do this. He couldn't go on without Even. He couldn’t. He started sobbing again, leaning forwards, putting his face against Even’s arm, inhaling the smell of him. Behind the smell of chemicals and that distinctive hospital smell, was the smell of Even. He still smelt like Even. He still felt like Even. He still looked like Even. But he wasn’t there anymore. He was gone. Isak sat back up again. Brushed his fingertips over Even’s forehead.  
  
They had taken him away once, for twenty minutes or so, doing another scan. Isak refused himself to feel any hope, because he knew how hard he would fall if there was no change. And there wasn’t. No brain activity. Zero.

 

 

“Your love is my turning page

Where only the sweetest words remain

Every kiss is a cursive line

Every touch is a redefining phrase” Isak started singing. It had been one of Even’s favourite song. Even had so many favourite songs, always claiming ‘this is my favourite song!’ with enthusiasm, to which Isak responded ‘you say that about basically every song Even.’ and then Even would just laugh and say that he loved all of Isak’s songs equally and that there were so many good songs overall that he couldn't ever really just pick one favourite anyway. And Isak loved him for it.

  
  
He squeezed Even’s hand. His heart broke again when Even didn't sneeze back. He would never sneeze back again. Ever.  
  
More tears fell from Isak’s eyes. He had to concentrate to breathe. He focused on singing, letting it help him to breathe. How would he survive this? Just take one day at a time, minute by minute? Fuck that.  
  


“I surrender who I’ve been for who you are

For nothing makes me stronger than your fragile heart

If I had only felt how it feels to be yours

Well I would have known

What I’ve been living for all along

What I’ve been living for”  


  
He couldn't continue. He broke down sobbing again, burying his face against Even’s arm, the side of his chest. Tried to take a deep breath, taking in his scent. Resulting in more tears and heavier sobbing, because soon he would never ever be able to smell that scent again.  
  
There was a knock on the door. Isak ignored it. The doctor entered the room alone. Isak didn't move.  
  
“Isak?” she said, walking closer.  
  
He didn't answer her, but he sat up slowly.  
  
“Isak, I need to talk to you about something very difficult.”  
  
“You want to turn of the machines.”  
  
“Isak-“  
  
“That’s what you're asking.”  
  
“I am so sorry for you loss. I know this is very hard. I know it’s beyond hard. But I’m here to talk to you because it has been nearly 72 hours without change. So legally, I have to officially declare him braindead.”  
  
Isak turned his head, and looked at her. Looked her in the eye. He hated her. Loathed her with ever fibre in his body. He wanted her to leave and never ever come back. He was sure the hatred was apparent in his eyes too.  
  
“Isak, I’m sorry, but he is really braindead. I'm here to ask you the impossible. I’m here to ask you if you're willing to donate his organs.”  
  
“What?” His voice came out as a broken rasp. He had foreseen this question. He knew that was what happened in these cases. He knew he would be asked to sign papers, let them take Even away and let them have his organs. He just wasn't ready to hear it yet. It felt like a stab through his heart, hearing her ask that.  
  
“I know it’s a difficult decision. And I respect that you might say no. This is up to you. Not me or anyone else-”  
  
“No.”  
  
“Isak, please take some time to consider it at least-“  
  
“I said no. You can’t have him. Please, please leave.” He was starting to panic. He needed her to go. He couldn't even process this right now. He needed more time. He needed time to stop. Just - fucking stop.  
  
“Isak-“  
  
“Get out! Get the fuck out! GET OUT” he was yelling now.  
  
And she did. She left him alone. And he was grateful. But then he turned his eyes to Even again, and started thinking. His mind racing. He looked at his beautiful husband, laying so still in that horrible hospital bed. _Even_. Even would have said yes. Even would have wanted to save people. Even would have wanted to do this. He was like that. Always thinking about others. Putting other people first.  
  
But Isak just couldn’t. He couldn't let them take Even. Any part of him. He couldn't do it.  
  
But Even would have wanted him too. They had talked about if before, not at length because Isak always found it too morbid a subject. but enough for Isak to know what Even would have wanted. And who was he to deny Even’s wishes?  
  
He bolted out of his chair, walked out the door and found the doctor outside, talking to Even’s parents. They all looked at him, waiting for him to say something. He shifted his weight nervously from one foot to another. Then he took a deep breath to steady himself and looked the doctor straight in the eye.  
  
“Exactly what are you asking for?” he asked with a trembling voice.  
  
  
-  
  
  
  
They wanted Even’s heart. They had a patient who needed a heart transplant and Even was a match. Isak threw another fit. Because it was his _heart_. Even’s heart. It belonged with Even’s body, it belonged to Isak. But then he realised, he would forever have Even’s heart. Because it was metaphoric. Not literally.  
  
So he said yes. Because it was what Even would have wanted. Lisa and Anders agreed with him. He finally let them hug him. He let everyone hug him. He didn't feel it. He didn't feel any of it. He felt numb. He didn't care. He went back to Even. They needed to do the transplant soon, the doctor told him, the other patient didn't have much time left. Isak didn't really care, but he knew Even would have. He signed the papers and said yes. Then Isak needed to spend what time he had left holding Even’s warm hand in his. And to say goodbye.  
  
But there wasn't really a goodbye. They would never get a goodbye. He was saying goodbye to Even’s body, but Even was gone. He had died without Isak saying ‘I love you’ one last time. So it wasn't really a goodbye and it made Isak cry again. There would never be a proper goodbye. They wouldn't grow old together. They wouldn't get to say goodbye, old and tired after a long life together. They wouldn't get to say goodbye at all.  
  
Never.  
  
“Even. I’ve loved you from the first moment I saw you. I was just too unsure about myself to say it out loud. But I did. I fell in love with you that first night we spoke. And every day I loved you more and more. And I will keep on loving you forever.” Silent tears fell from his eyes. “I wish you would just wake up. I wish things had been different. I wish you would have stayed and filmed that movie instead. That way you would have lived. I wish I hadn't been so mad at you for going in the first place. I wish I wouldn't have been angry at you the last time I spoke to you. Because I didn't mean it. I love you Even. So so much. And I will never stop. I know we said to death do us part, but we also said in every parallel universe and for the rest of forever.”  
  
“I love you Even Bech Næsheim. Now and forever, minute by minute, in every parallel universe.”  
  
When they came to take Even away for the surgery, it took every cell in Isak’s body to resist fighting them. It took everything he had to not fall apart until they left the room. But when they left, he did. He broke down sobbing, just like he had that first night. 

 

He couldn't stop. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn't stop this painful feeling in his chest. It consumed him. He could finally feel something. Pain. He felt pain, and only pain.  
  
And he didn't know how he could ever survive this.  


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

——————————-

 

 

 

**_Hold me in your thoughts, take me to your dreams_ **

**_Touch me as I fall into view_ **

**_When the winter comes keep the fires lit_ **

**_And I will be right next to you_ **

**_  
// Keep me in your heart - Warren Zevon_ ** _  
  
_


	3. Chapter 3

 

 

 

**_“Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.”_ **

 

**_// Vicki Harrison_ **

 

———————

 

 

 

 

Isak had never planned a funeral in his life. Nor did he want to. But he did it anyway. Well, Lisa did most of it, but on stuff she was unsure, like whether Even would have wanted roses or something else (white roses would be fine) and if he had any preferences on songs (Isak would handle that) or a speech (Sure, he would like that) or anything regarding such details.   
  
He knew he should write a speech. He didn't know how he could possibly do it. But he knew he should. So he was currently sitting on Lisa and Anders’ living room floor, a pen in one hand and a sheet of paper in the other. He hadn't been at home since the night of Even’s accident.  
  
He couldn't bring himself to go home to that empty apartment. To see Even’s stuff. To see the photos of them. To see their home. He couldn’t. He didn't want to stay home with his own parents; it was a reason he moved out at sixteen in the first place. He had found a way to communicate with them these past years, with Even’s help, but he couldn't stay with them. They drove him crazy, in a bad way.  
  
Even’s parents, Lisa and Anders, was different. They weren't like his own parents. They were more like a family to him than his own. Whenever he or Even had needed anything, they had been there for them. Both of them.  
  
And they invited him to come home and stay with them, without batting an eye, as they left the hospital.  
  
That was four days ago.  
  
Tomorrow was the funeral.  
  
And Isak hadn't written a word. Not a single word.  
  
He had picked flowers.  
  
Songs.  
  
Even a few simple bible quotes.  
  
But no speech.  
  
And he needed to write one.

 

 

 

——————————————————————————

 

_Even didn't talk to Isak for another week. He saw him a few times at school, but there was never a right moment for them to speak. So he kept his distance. Tried to figure out a plan to get to know the other boy better. He saw him a few times at school. Once, he was actually sure Isak had been looking at him. Or maybe he was imagining things because he wanted them to be true._  
  
_Sonja kept pestering him about spending more time together, so he finally caved and said yes to a pre-drink hosted at his place on Friday. He didn't really want to. But he knew she would get suspicious if he said no to everything without a good reason. And right now his only reason to say no was falling in love with a 17year old boy who he didn't even knew. He didn't knew anything about Isak past his name and the fact that he knew the group leader of Kosegroup and that he liked to smoke weed._  
  
_Even knew it was bad for him to smoke. But he also knew he didn't care right now. He was sick and tired of everyone telling him what NOT to do. Especially Sonja. Who told him what to do and not do. All the time. This was why their relationship didn't work. But at the same time, he was afraid to lose her. Because he had a feeling it would be worse, being alone in this._  
  
_So he agreed to a pre-drink. And to see a movie after school on Wednesday._  
  
_Turned out Sonja wanted more than a movie. But luckily, he had smoked before she came and they had a few beers before she started to expect anything from him, so he got through it. But it made him truly realise that their relationship was over. At least for him. He didn't feel anything for Sonja anymore. And he knew he should just tell her. But he was afraid of being alone._  
  
_On the tram home on Friday, the last person he expected to see walked on. Isak Valtersen. What are the odds? he found himself thinking. But he knew this was it. An opportunity. But what could should he say?_

 

_He went with an easy one. “Halla.”_

 

_Isak looked startled. He had obviously been deeply concentrated on whatever he was doing on his phone. “Halla.” he answered, seeming a little uneasy. Even wondered if he had been coming on too strongly._

 

_He continued with a question he probably knew the answer too. “On your way home?”_

 

_“Yeah. You too?” So he had been right. Isak was on his way home. Which meant he hopefully didn't have any plans._  
  
Now, Even had to figure out a way to get Isak to spend some time with him, to see if there was anything between them. Even already knew he was in love. But he didn't know if Isak felt the same way.

 

_“Yeah.” There was an awkward silence and they shared a few unsure smiles. Even couldn't take the tension anymore. “Awesome conversation.” He tried joking. Only he laughed. Well, this wasn't going his way at all. Like, had he no game at all anymore? He mentally scolded himself and looked away._

 

_“You’re eighteen right?” Isak asked him, and Even saw an opportunity. The boy was smiling at him. So he smiled back, and nodded._

 

_“Could you maybe buy me some beers?” Isak asked, and at once, Even had the perfect plan._

_-_  
  
_He had his ID with him at all times. But he decided he would pretend he didn’t. So he walked around the shop for a few minuted, before he headed out again. “Forgot my ID at home. Have to go get it. Join me.”_  
  
_And Isak just followed him. Plan in motion, check._

_ \-  _

 

_“I don’t know where I could have put it.” he said, and started searching his room. He already knew where it was, he was looking for something else.._

 

_“Did you draw these?” Isak’s voice startled him._

 

_“Yeah.”_

 

_“They’re good.” the younger boy said._

 

_Even felt himself smile. He loved drawing, and he liked it when people complimented his work. “Thank you.”_

 

_“They’re really funny.”_

 

_“You think so?”_

 

_“Mhm.”_

 

_He finally found what he was looking for. “Here is it!”_

 

_“You found it?”_

 

_“No, but…” he held up a join._

 

_“Ey.” Isak smiled at him_

 

_—-_

 

_“You haven't been away yet?”_

 

_“Just left early, I don’t know. Does that count?”_

 

_“You haven't figured out the system? I’ve skipped a couple of hours.”_  
  
They were discussing the rules for being away from school. Even pretended he didn't know. But of course he knew. He had already given the headmaster a notice from his doctor so that it wouldn't be a problem. But he pretended to not know, in order to keep Isak talking. “What’s the limit?”

 

_“The limit is ten percent. But if the headmaster is nice you could get fifteen.”_

 

_“Really?”_

 

_“Yeah. But I don’t think the headmaster is going to be nice when it comes to me.”_

 

_“What do you listen to? If you listen to music.”_

 

_“I’m a pretty big fan of N.W.A.”_

 

_“That’s whats psyches you up before you go to school?”_

 

_“It’s the kind of music you listen to when you’re walking around town and want to feel badass.”_

 

_“Have you listened to Nas?”_

 

_“Nas?”_  
  
It was adorable. Isak had obviously never listened to it before, by the way he pronounced it wrong and everything. If it was possible to be more charmed by Isak Valtersen than Even Bech Næsheim already was, this was it. “You’re kidding? You haven't listened to it?”

 

_“Oh no I have listened to it.” Isak argued, even though it was obvious he hadn't._

 

_“Nas?”_

 

_“Nas. Nas.” Isak said, trying to get it right. Again, adorable. Even just had to laugh._

 

_“Have you even listened to it?”_

 

_“Of course I have!”_

 

_“Doesn’t sound like it.”_

 

_“I have listened to it.”_

 

_“You’re going to have to listen to it later.” Even said, smiling._  
  
_They kept discussing school and music and safe subjects. And as they smoked, he found himself relaxing. He could see Isak relaxing too. And then he caught the younger boy looking at him, and he knew. He hadn't imagined it. It had happened. Isak had looked at him at school as well. There was something in the younger boy’s eyes._  
  
_Even had a feeling he knew. Isak probably wasn't accepting himself. He was probably in the closet, fighting his own emotions. Denying them. Even knew, because he had been there too._  
  
_He decided not to ask any questions, but proposed that they should make some food instead. Isak accepted._

 

_——-_

 

 

_“That’s one sweaty cheese, dude.” Isak laughed._

 

_“I know, I managed to forget to put it back into the refrigerator when I left for school. So it’s nearly melted. Has that happened to you before?”_

 

_“Yeah, I always forget the cheese.”_

 

_“Yeah, you also do it?”_

 

_“Yeah.”_

 

_“That a first world problem.”_

 

_“Cheese and keys.”_

 

_“Cheese and keys!”_

 

_“Beer?”_

 

_“Here you go.”_

 

_“Cheers.”_

 

_“Cheers.”_

 

_“So, what kind of spice do you want? Let’s begin with caribbean jerk barbecue.”_

 

_“Sounds perfect, do it.”_

 

_“Chili?”_

 

_“Always chill.”_

 

_“Rosemary?”_

 

_“Yeah, lots.”_

 

_“Lots? Okey.”_

 

_“Even more?”_

 

_“No, thats fine.”_

 

_“Pottagaldrar?”_

 

_“Eh, yes.”_

 

_“Cinnamon?”_

 

_“Ehh, yeah, why the fuck not.”_

 

_“I think it’s going to taste like balls.”_

 

_“But we can’t turn around now!”_

 

_“No. We can’t turn around now.”_

 

_“I’ll put on some more pepper.”_

 

_“Want me to put them in the oven?”_

 

_“Go for it.”_

 

_——_

 

_The toasts where horrible. Like, the worst thing he had ever tasted. “There was something in there that just wasn't right.”_

 

_“It’s horrible.”_

 

_“It’s so terrible it’s kind of good.” he tried to joke. But it wasn’t. They were truly horrible._

 

_“No, it was so terrible that it was even more terrible.”_

 

_“Excuse me, it was you who made us use all that spice.” he laughed._

 

_“It’s very important to have lots of cardamom.” Isak said, making his voice funny._

 

_“Mmm. That’s the trick?” Even smiled._

 

_“Cardamom.” Isak said again._

 

_“To make it good?”_

 

_“Mhm.”_

 

_“Have you heard the rumours about my rapping skills?” Isak asked._  
  
Finally, the younger boy was taking the initiative to speak. Even was glad. “I have, actually.”

 

_“Give me a beat.”_

 

_“Okay fine.”_

 

_“E-box, give me the beat.”_

 

_“Come on, get yourself together!”_

  
  
_And then the doorbell rung. And Sonja and his friends where here. And why the fuck had he forgotten to cancel the pre-drink? He mentally scolded himself as he walked to open the door. This was going to ruin his chance with Isak._  
  
_But there was nothing to do about that now. It was too late. He could see it in Isak’s eyes when he presented Sonja as his girlfriend. He had been right. Isak felt something about him too. And then , when he kissed Sonja, he was certain. It was jealousy. Which meant that if he played his cards right, he might have a shot. Maybe._

 

 

 

 

———————————————————————————

 

 

 

 

“Isak, honey? Can I make you something to eat?”  
  
“No thank you.”  
  
“You have barely eaten anything in a week Isak, you have to.”  
  
“Lisa I-“  
  
“No. You have to. Come here, sit with us, and eat. It’s not a question.”  
  
Isak didn't have it in him to protest. “Fine.” he answered, put down his pen and paper and got off the floor. The numbness, the lack of feeling, it was still there. The weird sensation when he stepped down, not feeling the floor beneath his feet, not feeling anything. He knew he was breathing and moving and doing things. But he wasn't feeling anything.  
  
Except pain.  
  
It came in waves. Sometimes the waves was small. Mostly the waves was like tsunamis. It hit him full force and he couldn't figure out which way was up. Let alone figure out how to swim. And he didn't even want to.  
  
For three full days he only left the bed to pee. He just laid in bed, not sleeping, only feeling the pain. Letting it consume him, overtake him.  
  
It was all he had left right now.  
  
“How are you holding up son?” Anders asked him.  
  
“I’m not.” Isak answered, voice empty of emotion.  
  
“Isak… I know this is hard, but-“  
  
“But I’ll get through it?” Isak answered, then shook his head. “Please don’t- Please don’t say stuff like that. I can’t listen to it. Not now.” _Not ever._

 

 

He would never get over this. It would never get better. He wouldn't get through it. Ever.  
  
Even was dead, and he had nothing left to live for.  
  
  
—————————————————————  
  
  
  
_He didn't see Isak for an entire week. Apart from a short run-in where he gave him back his snapback. Not until the kosegroup party which happened to be at Isak’s flat. He had to bring Sonja, especially after last Friday._  
  
_She had gone crazy after Isak and their other friends left. Asking him hundreds of questions about who this boy was and why he was hanging out with him and did he know about Even’s disorder? And Even got so fed up, he just accepted her crazy and waited for her to settle down, saying yes to everything she wanted._  
  
_So when he got the invitation to the kosegroup party, he asked her if she wanted to come._  
  
_That started another argument, of course._  
  
_“You told me it was a one time thing!”_  
  
_“I enjoyed myself, okay? They are nice people.”_  
  
_“You are going to mess it up Even, if you get in too deep.”_  
  
_“Don’t you think I know that? But I like those people. They were nice. And school is fucking lonely. I’m asking you to come with me. Will you come with me to the party?”_  
  
_“Fine.”_  
  
_“Fine.”_  
  
_-_  
  
_So, when the day was there and they arrived, he saw Isak right away. He saw that betrayed look in his eyes. And he saw that clingy girl Emma all over him. And he felt himself getting jealous. Really? Jealous? he scolded himself. He had a girlfriend he didn't have the balls to break up with. He wasn't in the position to be jealous._  
  
_But he was. And then he found himself on a couch with Isak and the annoying girl. Breaking up their make-out session. The conversation was easy, until the annoying girl made a comment about gay people being funny. He could see it made Isak uneasy, and to be honest it pissed him of a bit, her generalising the whole gay population. So he hold her off. Which made her angry and drag Isak onto the dance floor to dance instead._  
  
_During the rest of the night, he found himself looking for Isak several times. Caught his eye a few times. Caught Isak staring at him. They were staring at each other while making out with girls. If he hadn't known before, he knew now._  
  
_The party ended, and people made groups to take cabs to the actual party. He saw Isak staying behind to clean up, and told Sonja he would meet her there, he had his bicycle with him anyway. It was a good excuse. It was a valid excuse. And it bought him some time to talk to Isak._  
  
_He walked into the kitchen, finding Isak emptying out half empty bottles of beer._

_ “Didn’t you take a cab with the others?”  _

_ “I have a bicycle.” They resumed emptying out the bottles in an awkward silence. He decided to break it by testing the waters a little. “You and Emma looked cozy.”  _

_ “She’s into me.” Isak answered. His voice told Even he wasn't into her.  _

_ “You know Sonja and I have been dating since we were fifteen?” Even started explaining. Why was he telling Isak this…  _

_ “Okay?”  _

_ “And I feel that we are drifting apart more and more.” Shit. Maybe he had a few to many beers. “But I can’t dump Sonja.”  _

_ “Okay.”  _

  
_And Isak sounded hurt. And Even realised this was not the time to tell Isak about his real reason for staying with Sonja. About himself being mentally ill. That would definitely ruin every chance he had. So he made up a story in his head instead. It wasn't great, but it was the best he could come up with right now._

_ “Cuz if I dump Sonja she’s gonna think that I do it because she has an aluminium leg.”  _

_ “Huh?”  _

_ “You didn't know?”  _

_ “Aluminium leg?”  _

_ “Yeah, she has amputated her whole foot.”  _

_ “What? How did that happen?”  _

_ “No, she stepped on a landmine on Tjøme when she was nine. Blew away her entire left foot.”  _

_ “Shit.”  _

_ “Yeah, it was pretty bad.”  _

_ “I didn't know.”  _

_ “No, but she is better now. She had gotten really good help from .. what’s if called again… physiotherapists, who had helped her with her motor skills, and you know the aluminium technology has come so far, you can barely see her limp.”  _

_ “You’re kidding? You're kidding?! Right? For fucks sake.”  _

_ “How can you joke about something like that?”  _

_ “Do you really believe there’s landmines on Tjøme?”  _

_ “The fuck do I know.”  _

_ “You can’t joke about stuff like that.”  _

_ “I could have joked about something much worse.” Even said, an idea popping into his head.  _

_ “No, you can’t, cuz that’s a really shitty thing to joke about.”  _

_ “I could have joked about her having a dick. That would have been really fucked up.” he said, watching Isak carefully to see what his reaction would be.  _

_Isak rolled his eyes. Even that was adorable! “Dick, haha.” Isak said, looking down._  
  
_Gotcha._

_ “Really fucked up.”  _

_ “Don’t think the aluminium technology was very…”  _

_ “That’s what gave me away?”  _

_“Yeah… But she's cute. Sonja.” Isak continued to look down._  
  
_Even realised it was now or never. He needed to know. He started leaning in closer, and Isak didn't pull away. Just as he was about to press a kiss to those perfect lips, there was a bang sounding from the hall, and they pulled away._  
  
_Fuck._  
  
_It was a friend of Isak’s, who had lived there before. Noora. From what Even gathered, she had been living in London with a guy named William. And he stayed until Eskild and Linn came back, to keep Isak and Noora company. Noora had started crying the minute Isak asked her what had happened, and Even didn't want to leave him alone with that. But he left when the other residents of the apartment came home, going to the party where Sonja was._  
  
_She was a little pissy about how long it had taken for him to come, but when he explained about the girl coming home and stuff, she actually backed off and seemed fine with it, understanding even. Maybe he was getting too good at this double game thing._  
  
_He had felt something with Isak tonight. He knew there was something there. He just needed to know it was real before he broke up with Sonja. Despite him knowing how bad this was. He knew it was bad of him to cheat like this._  
  
_But he was scared of ending up alone._

  
  
  
————————————————————————————

  
  
The funeral was going to be in the same church they got married in. He found that both disturbing and comforting. Lisa had once told him, before they got married, that Even had been baptised in that church. So it was somehow fitting to have his funeral there too. Or something. He didn't really care. There was nothing to care about anymore.  
  
First when Jonas dropped by one afternoon with his mail, he realised he never called to cancel their trip. And he didn't even care. He gave Jonas his and Even’s bank-info (they shared finances) and asked his friend to just pay the bills. Jonas just agreed, and took care of it. He also stayed with Isak the night before the funeral, holding him close. Isak barely slept an hour a night, he couldn't sleep.

 

 

And now they were standing outside the church. And Isak wasn't ready. He couldn't go in, because it made it so final. So he was pacing back and forth outside the church, Jonas waiting for him by the door. Everyone else had already gone in. But Isak couldn’t. He would have to go in there, and listen to the songs they had picked and the priest talking and his friends and family give speeches and then he would be expected to speak and he still hadn't written one.  
  
“Isak.”  
  
“Not yet.”  
  
“It’s time.”  
  
“No.”  
  
“Isak-“  
  
“I HAVEN’T EVEN WRITTEN A FUCKING SPEECH!”  
  
Jonas walked over to him and grabbed him by the shoulders, forcing him to stand still.  
  
“Isak. You can do it. Just speak from the heart. Like you did at your wedding. Like you always did when speaking to Even. Just say what you mean, what you feel. Or don’t say anything at all. It’s your choice. Just listen to your heart, follow it.”  
  
Isak drew a sharp breath. Nodded rapidly. Drew a deeper, slower breath. Nodded again. He could do this. He had to do this. They went in.  
  
The priest started talking, and Isak tuned it out. He just stared at the coffin, covered in white roses. The coffin where Even was.  
  
They played songs.  
  
People held speeches.  
  
Isak tuned it all out, he couldn't listen to any of it. If was too much, the pain in his chest felt like it was going to explode and he was working so hard on holding himself together. And he felt like he was on the edge of breaking down.  
  
During someone’s speech, probably Lisa’s by the sound of the voice, the priest came over to him, asked him if he wanted to speak. And Isak exchanged a look with Jonas. And looked up at the podium, seeing a crying Lisa standing there. And looked over at the coffin. And he knew he had to do this. So he nodded.  
  
And then Lisa was done speaking, and Isak got to his feet. And walked up to the podium. And looked out at the church, saw all the same people who sat there when he got married. Only the circumstances were so very different. Isak took a deep breath. He needed to just do this now, or he wouldn't do it at all.

 

“I-.. This feels so surreal. Losing Even… I never imagined it. When I first met Even, I didn't know who I was. But he helped me find my way in life. Even was so charismatic and cheerful and full of life. Most of all Even was kind. He had a hard life but he handled it so well. He took it, the good and the bad, and accepted it. He was so strong.” he stopped. Took a deep breath. Looked down, then up again. This was so hard. It was the hardest thing he had ever done. He couldn't find the right words, he couldn't make a good enough speech. He blinked back the tears, swallowed a sob. “Even was the love of my life. My soulmate. I- I don’t know who I am without him. Having the privilege of loving someone so pure and good as Even was… I am forever grateful. I miss him so bad it hurts. And right now I can’t even think past the pain and I won’t be able to give him the speech he deserves. I just wanted to come up here and tell everyone I loved him. And I will never stop loving him.”  
  
He looked over to Jonas, who understood what he wanted and walked up to join him.  
  
“I can’t deliver the perfect speech, but I can sing a song. I have picked a song that holds meaning to Even, but also to me. We listened to it on our honeymoon, and Even always put it on whenever life got hard. It holds a lot of good memories. Even had a lot of favourite songs, but I think he would have liked this one to be the final one.”

  
Jonas sat down at the piano, started playing, and Isak started singing, tears streaming down his face.

 

 

_“I am not the only traveler_

_Who has not repaid his debt_

_I've been searching for a trail to follow again_

_Take me back to the night we met_

 

_And then I can tell myself_

_What the hell I'm supposed to do_

_And then I can tell myself_

_Not to ride along with you_

 

_I had all and then most of you, some and now none of you_

_Take me back to the night we met_

_I don't know what I'm supposed to do, haunted by the ghost of you_

_Oh, take me back to the night we met_

 

_When the night was full of terror_

_And your eyes were filled with tears_

_When you had not touched me yet_

_Oh, take me back to the night we met_

 

_I had all and then most of you, some and now none of you_

_Take me back to the night we met_

_I don't know what I'm supposed to do, haunted by the ghost of you_

_Take me back to the night we met”  
_

 

-

  
Watching them lower the casket into the ground was almost as hard as watching them take Even away. Isak fell to his knees, sobbing so hard he couldn't breathe. Jonas was there, holding him. But it didn't help, not one bit. His soulmate, his best friend, his shining star and perfect husband was gone. Forever. And he would never come back, Isak would never see that smile again. Hear that magical laughter. Smell that intoxicating scent. Snuggle into those strong protective arms. Never again.  
  
By the time he managed to stop sobbing and get on his feet, it was dark and cold.

  


 

After the funeral, he just got in his car and started driving. Not back home to Anders’ and Lisa’s. Not home to his own parents. Not home to his own apartment. Not home at all. No, he headed out on one of the highways. And he just drove. At first he followed the speed limit. But then he gradually accelerated and ended up going fast and faster. The red lamp on the dashboard told him he was way over the speed-limit.   
  
He didn't care.  
  
He drove into a tunnel. Realised it curved. If he just disabled some of the safety-features on his car and let go of the wheel, he would crash.  
  
It was tempting.  
  
He disabled the safety features. Imagined what his friends and family would react. Decided he didn't care. And just let go of the wheel, keeping his foot on the gas.  
  
It was exhilarating. It gave him an adrenaline rush. But it didn't scare him like it should, when his car started heading for the wall of the tunnel. He only felt excitement. He would get to stop feeling this pain. If there was an afterlife, he would be reunited with Even. If not, at least he would be rid of the pain. He found himself smiling as the car hit the wall.  
  
The safety belt dug into his shoulder, he heard the sound of glass breaking, and then nothing. Everything went dark and silent.  


 

 

  
  
————————————

 

 

**_You are my home,_ **

**_You are my everything, when i feel so alone,_ **

**_You are my home, you are my shelter,_ **

******_when all my hope is gone_**  
  
**// Thousand Foot Krutch - My Home**

 


	4. Chapter 4

 

**“The loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly.”**

 

**// F. Scott Fitzgerald**

 

 

**——————————-**

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As he slowly opened his eyes, he heard the beeping of a monitor. Everything hurt, it felt like his every nerve was on fire. He blinked a few times, and his vision cleared.

 

A monitor was beeping.

 

He could smell disinfectant of some sort.

 

He was in a hospital. He was alive. He had failed.

 

A face came into view. A blond girl he didn't know. “Hey, you’re awake.” she smiled.

 

“Why did you save me?” he asked. His voice was hoarse and it hurt to speak. He couldn't move his head. Why was he alive? He was supposed to be dead. “Why aren't I dead?” he struggled to move, every move was painful and his entire body felt like it was trapped somehow.

 

“You have to calm down, you’ll risk injuring yourself further.”

 

“Why did you save me? I wanted to die!”

 

“If you don’t stop moving I have to sedate you-“

 

“I WANT TO DIE!”

 

He felt a needle in his arm, and his eye started dropping, and then the world became dark once more.

 

 

 

 

 

 

—————————————————————-

 

 

 

 

 

 

_The next day Isak sent him a text. He was laying in Sonja’s bed, having spent the night. She had just gone into the bathroom._

 

 

 

 

_FROM ISAK TO EVEN_

 

_Hey. Had a nice time yesterday, what’s the plan for today?_

 

 

 

_And he suddenly remembered that he had told him he wanted to hang out. But Sonja had just told him they were going to visit her parents for lunch and then go shopping. Fuck._

 

_He thought about it for a second and quickly typed out a text._

 

 

 

 

 

_FROM EVEN TO ISAK_

 

_Yesterday was cool, hope your friend Noora is okay. Had forgotten about a date with Sonja, sorry. See you at school._

 

 

 

 

 

_He didn't receive a reply. It was okay. He knew he was fucking this whole thing up._

 

_“You ready for lunch?” Sonja’s voice called from the bathroom._

 

_“Yeah, just give me a few minutes.” he answered, and dragged himself out of bed._

 

 

 

_—_

 

 

_The next time Even saw Isak at his locker, alone, he mustered up the courage and walked over to him. The boy would either tell him to piss off or he would be fine with everything. Like, he had known Even had a girlfriend, so…_

 

_Okay, so it was fucked up. He just needed to know, before he left Sonja._

 

_Isak was having trouble with his locker. It was adorable to watch him trying to get it open when it was clearly stuck. Probably because his locker was messy. (Not that Even had peaked while walking by or anything, noooo)_

 

_“Halla.” Even smiled._

 

 

 

_“Hey.” Isak jumped a little at his voice, and looked a little unsure._

 

 

 

_“Are you going to that halloween-party?” Even asked nodding at the notes taped to every locker, going for a safe question. Testing the waters._

 

 

 

_“Eh no. Or maybe. I don’t know. Are you?” Isak was squirming._

 

 

 

_“Join me.” Even shrugged._

 

 

 

_“Okay.”_

 

 

 

_“Okay?”_

 

 

 

_“Yeah.”_

 

_Victory. Isak didn't hate him. Yet. He still might have a chance._

 

 

 

_“Okay, then we’ll have a pre drink together?” Even asked, and when Isak nodded, he smiled and started to walk away, giving Isak’s locker a solid knock, making the door spring open. As he walked away, he smiled to himself and ignored the pain in his hand. Hitting lockers fucking hurt. But seeing the surprised look on Isak’s face had been worth it._

 

 

 

————————————————————————————-

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He kept drifting in and out, but later on he could remember much of it. Distant voices. Overwhelming pain. Screaming that he wanted to die. Someone sedating him everything.

 

His sleep was filled with memories of Even, making it even more painful to wake up. Sometimes, he woke up, and for a few blissful seconds, he forgot. But then it hurt to breathe, and he remembered what had happened and the pain hit him again and again and again. 

 

So he screamed at the doctors, nurses, whoever was in the room until they sedated him again, before drifting back into sleep.

 

Whoever came to see him, Isak wasn't sure. He could remember, the pain and the meds making him fuzzy. He sometimes woke up feeling someone holding his hand. He felt the pressure at least. But he still felt numb. 

 

All he wanted was Even.

 

The only thing they couldn't get him was Even.

 

So Isak longed for death. Begged for it. Screamed for it.

 

He only got sedated and drifted into dreams, nightmares, about Even. About having him, only to lose him. Over and over and over.

 

After what felt like an eternity, Isak woke up finding he could breathe with a little more ease. Not much, the pain was still overwhelming. But it had lessened enough for him not to scream out as he woke up.

 

Looking around the room, he found it mostly empty of anything. Decorations, people. But beside him there was one person.

 

Jonas.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

—————————————————————————-

 

_He had hoped he and Isak would be having the pre-drink alone. But somehow Sonja had found out about the party and asked to come, and he just had to tell her about the pre-drink._

 

_The whole thing escalated, because somehow, Sonja had become friends with Emma, and was under the strong belief that Emma was Isak’s girlfriend. According to Emma, she and Isak were dating._

 

 

 

_Sitting there on the couch friday night, he realised this was very far from the truth. Somehow he found himself cheering inside because of it. Isak had no interest in Emma what so ever. He actually looked at disappointed and miserable as Even felt._

 

_When Sonja started nagging him about drinking, he lost his patience. Which resulted in her storming of, angry at him. Frustrated too, probably. He didn't really care right now. He was so fed up with her monitoring him. Controlling him. He wasn't a child. He was bipolar._

 

 

 

_“I heard there will be a lot of people on that party.” Isak said after Emma walked of to find Sonja._

 

 

 

_“What time is it?” Even asked, wanting to get out of there. He couldn't deal with Sonja anymore tonight. He had to break up with her. He just couldn't take this anymore._

 

 

 

_“Huh?”_

 

 

 

_“What time is it?”_

 

 

 

_“21:21”_

 

 

 

_“Seriously?” This had to be a sign. 21.21 - A whirlwind romance. He had read it somewhere. He decided this was it. It was now or never. He needed to figure out if Isak truly liked him back._

 

 

 

_“Yeah, why?”_

 

 

 

_“Let’s get out of here.” Even took one last sip from his beer and got up._

 

 

 

_“And go where?” Isak looked so unsure and confused._

 

 

 

_“Anywhere. Hurry.”_

 

_They scrambled out of the apartment as fast and quiet as possible. Even had his bike, and suggested they could go for a ride. Isak just accepted and got on the back of his bike. Even started cycling, trying to figure out the perfect place to go. Suddenly he just knew the perfect place and a few minutes later they arrived._

 

 

 

_“I wanna go for a swim, how about you?” he said, and just got of the bike._

 

 

 

_“Swim?” Isak was so confused. It was adorable._

 

 

 

_“Yeah.”_

 

 

 

_He hoped no-one was home. Or at least that they wouldn't go swimming tonight. The pool was located so no-one could hear that they were down there. He decided it was worth the risk and started to pick the lock on the window._

 

 

 

_“Who’s house is this?”_

 

 

 

_“My aunt’s.” Even lied._

 

 

 

_“And she’s allowing us to be here?” Isak was doubting him._

 

 

 

_“Of course.”_

 

 

 

_“But where’s your aunt?”_

 

 

 

_“On vacation.”_

 

 

 

_“Why don’t you have a key?”_

 

 

 

_“Because she’s on holiday.”_

 

 

 

_“That’s obviously the answer to everything.”_

 

 

 

_“Relax, it’s fine. Come on.” Even said and climbed in through the window. “Why are you so skeptical?”_

 

 

 

_“I’m not, but it’s a little weird that we’re…”_

 

_So Isak was uncomfortable. Understandable, but Even wanted him to relax and have fun. He had this great plan all made up in his mind, but if Isak wouldn't even join him in the pool it was a no-go._

 

_He decided to tease him a little, see if that would loosen him up._

 

 

 

_“You afraid of swimming?”_

 

 

 

_“Scared of swimming?!”_

 

 

 

_“Yeah, are you afraid of the water or something?”_

 

 

 

_“Afraid of water? Oy…” Isak laughed at him. This seemed to be working, Isak was slowly letting his shoulders down. “It’s just, It’s not my aunt’s house..”_

 

 

 

_“You’re just afraid to mess up your hair then.” Even joked._

 

 

 

_“You think I care about my hair?”_

 

 

 

_“Looks like it.”_

 

 

 

_“Really? Does it like like I care about my hair?”_

 

 

 

_“Not right now, but usually yes.” Even laughed, and a second later he was being pushed into the water by Isak. Gotcha._

 

 

 

_He stayed under water for a few seconds, then emerged, grinning at Isak. “Did you think I was dead now?”_

 

 

 

_“I was so scared….” Isak grinned then added “You suck at holding your breath.”_

 

 

 

_“I suck?” Even exclaimed in a pretend-to-be-shocked voice._

 

 

 

_“Yeah.”_

 

 

 

_“Try it yourself.”_

 

 

 

_“You’re challenging me? I’m the fucking master at holding my breath under water.” Isak said._

 

 

 

_“Show me then.”_

 

 

 

_“Fine.”_

 

_Isak ducked under, just to emerge a second or so later._

 

 

 

_“Woow…. You never stop impressing me…” Even mocked him._

 

 

 

_“I got water in my lungs!” Isak tried to explain himself away. It was so adorable Even almost kissed him then and there. But he had a plan. He was sticking to the plan._

 

 

 

_“Yeah, right.”_

 

 

 

_“I swallowed water!” Isak almost screamed._

 

 

 

_“I’ll try again.”_

 

 

 

_“We’ll do it together.”_

 

 

 

_“The last one up is the winner.”_

 

 

 

_“Ready, three, two, one.”_

 

_Looking at Isak under water, he couldn't stop himself. He pretended to try and push on Isak’s throat, to see if the other boy accepted his touch. Then he just moved in and kissed him, right on the lips._

 

_It was like fireworks and magic and everything he had ever imagined._

 

_They resurfaced. Even laughed “Yes!”_

 

 

 

_“Yes what?”_

 

 

 

_“I won.” He wasn't just talking about the contest…_

 

 

 

_“What, yes? Are you kidding?” Isak argued laughing._

 

 

 

_“I won!”_

 

 

 

_“You cheated.”_

 

 

 

_“What?”_

 

 

 

_“That was cheating!”_

 

 

 

_“You think there’s any rules here?” Even challenged._

 

 

 

_“Eh, yes!”_

 

 

 

_“That was just cheating, it’s not right. I won’t accept loosing like that.”_

 

 

 

_“Okay, let’s do it again then.”_

 

 

 

_They went under again. And just like he had hoped, this time Isak moved in to kiss him. And they kept kissing, until they had to resurface for air. Even grabbed hold of Isak as they resurfaced and kept kissing him. Isak kissed him right back._

 

 

 

———————————————————————————-

 

 

 

 

 

He was finally able to take in the information the doctor had about his injuries. He had broken his spine i two places, both of his legs and his clavicle. But he was alive, and he wasn't paralysed and in time he would be just fine. It would be a hell of a recovery, but he would recover. They had told him that it was a miracle, over and over.

 

 

 

Isak saw it as anything but a miracle.

 

He cursed the fact that he had taken his own car. He cursed the fact that he had bought the damn thing in the first place. After all, the company producing the car told their customers that ‘no-one would die in this car’. Well, he just proved them right. Even if you wanted to, and tried your best, you wouldn't die in one of these stupid cars.

 

Even had teased him about driving that big diesel, (hybrid!) SUV, told him it was environment-unfriendly and that he drove so safe anyway that he wouldn't ever need a car like that. Even and his environment-friendly car had gotten him killed. Isak and his environment-unfriendly car had failed to follow. He found himself wishing the roles had been reversed. 

 

Because now he wouldn't only have failed to kill himself, he would have to spend every day for the next few months in pain, the road to recovery would be long and he would be on constant suicide-watch. So he would be forced to live a life in misery, alone. Without Even. 

 

Isak refused to talk to anyone. The doctor, the nurses, his parents, Jonas; he ignored them all. And since he was still in the ICU, no-one but family were allowed in (his parents put Jonas on the family list). He found comfort in that. He knew Lisa, Anders, Magnus, Mahdi or any of their other friends would probably break his resolve. And he needed to distance himself from what was going on right now. He needed to distance himself from the pain he couldn't escape.

 

So he stared out of the window and just ignored everything.

 

Both his parents and his sister came in and tried to talk to him every day, multiple times a day. Jonas sat by his bed for days straight without going home. He never answered. He just wanted to get out of here, and try again. He didn't have any reason to live. He didn't want to live. 

 

The last words they had spoken was an argument. That was the hardest part. Knowing Even had died without Isak telling him that he loved him one last time. He could never forgive himself for that. Never. 

 

One day a doctor came in and sat down next to his bed, and instead of all the usual, meaningless questions and chatter, she started explaining the next steps of his recovery.

 

“It’s been over a month Isak. We are moving you out of the ICU, and in about two weeks, we will remove the casts on your legs and a physiotherapist will come in and help you regain mobility. And if your spine continues to heel nicely, we will have you up and walking again soon. We will also assign you a therapist, one you can talk to every day for the rest of your stay, and then when you are allowed to leave, you will probably have to come and see him or her three or four times a week. When you are moved tomorrow, I have promised your friends that they can come and see you. I know you will probably say no to that, if you had bothered to speak, but I’m going to allow them to come anyway. You can’t shut the world out forever Isak. I know your case, I know what happened to your husband, and I’m so sorry for your loss. But you can’t isolate yourself. People need people.” she got up, and started to walk out. 

 

“I still don’t want to live.” Isak said, his voice hoarse from the lack of usage.

 

 

 

She turned around and smiled sadly at him. “I know. And that feeling will stay with you for a long time. The loss you have been through will always follow you. You just have to find something to hold on to. Something to make life worth living. Because your life is worth living Isak.”

 

He didn't answer her, and she didn't linger anymore. She just left the room, and let him be miserable in peace. Just like he preferred it.

 

He spent the rest of the day watching the winter slowly turn to spring outside his window. It was a sunny day and it made the snow melt rather fast. It made him think of Even. About how he loved the spring. He said it felt just like getting out from a depressive episode. The light returned and everything bloomed and life was so happy and amazing.

 

Not this spring. This spring Isak was miserable and alone and his heart felt heavy and his body ached and he just. couldn’t. do. this. Not without Even. Why had he been so mad at him? It was just a stupid meaningless vacation. It was just a stupid anniversary. It was just a stupid argument. 

 

It was stupid. He was stupid. He had lost everything. So the doctor’s words about finding some meaning in his life? How could he find something that was lost? Like, not just hidden away, but truly lost? The answer was; he couldn’t. Ever.

 

There was a knock on his door. He was expecting a nurse with dinner or his whole family or something annoying. But it was just his mother, alone. She hadn't been alone since he had gotten admitted, his father was always by her side. Isak knew his father didn't trust her to be on her own. She had ups and downs, mostly downs. She wasn't bipolar like Even… had been.. she was just more or less lost in her own mind. Like, on good days she was almost like she had used to be when he was younger. On bad days, she was lost in another world.

 

She walked in, sat down next to him. Tried to grab his hand. He pulled his away instinctively. He could see the hurt flashing in her eyes. Great. Another person he hurt. All he did was hurt people and fuck up and- 

 

How would he ever live through this? He blinked back the tears, and placed his hand back on top of hers. He didn't feel anything. Just the emptiness. And the pain in his chest. The ever present, pressing, agonising pain. 

 

His mother grabbed his hand with both of hers. Unlike the other times she and his father had been in his room, she didn't speak. She didn't plead with him. She didn't beg and cry and yell. She just sat there, holding his hand in silence. 

 

After a while she started singing. A song Isak couldn't bear to hear right now. But at the same time, he couldn't make himself stop her. Something held him back, something made him hold his tongue from protesting.

 

“Depth over distance was all I asked of you

 

And I may be foolish to fall as I do

 

Still there's strength in the blindness you fear

 

If you're coming too”

 

 

 

It was something in her voice. Something she wanted to say to him, but couldn't find the words to. He knew, because falling in love with Even had taught him to accept and understand his mother rather than just push her away and label her a nut job. He knew, because she was squeezing his hand hard, and singing this song. He knew, because a son knows his mother.

 

She was pleading with him. But not like before. Not that wailing, yelling, desperate sobbing. This felt more like a quiet request, a small plea. She was asking him to stay. She was asking him to live. But he couldn't do that. He couldn’t. 

 

She stayed a while. Until the nurse arrived with food. Isak ate in silence, letting his mother help him. He decided it was time to just stop protesting and let them control him. The sooner he cooperated the sooner he would get out, probably. At least he hoped that was the case.

 

When night fell, his mother got up to leave. Isak suddenly felt the need to make her stay.

 

“Mom?”

 

“Yes dear?”

 

He didn't even have the time to think it through before the words just fell out of him. “I didn't tell him I loved him. I was angry with him. Our last conversation was an argument.” he started sobbing. It hurt so badly. Somehow, saying the words out loud gave them more power, made this more painful.

 

“Baby…” his mother’s voice was soft, tender. She moved in closer, put her hand on his cheek.

 

“I didn't tell him I loved him.” Isak sobbed.

 

“He knew, sweetie. He knew.”

 

“What if he didn’t? What if he died thinking I hated him?”

 

“He didn’t. He knew you loved him. You were just upset. But he knew you loved him. And I know he loved you. And it hurts right now, but the pain will fade my dear. God will help Even find peace, and watch over you. Please believe that.” 

 

Neither said anything after that and when his mother left the room, Isak fell into a deep and restless sleep, dreaming about the night the police came knocking on his door. Getting the message about Even. Having to sign the papers, to sign Even’s heart away. 

 

He woke up screaming in pain. Both mental and physical. A nurse came running and gave him more painkillers. It took the physical pain away. But it did nothing for the mental pain. It almost made it worse, cause when the physical pain disappeared, the mental pain hit him with full force. And he sobbed himself into a restless sleep once again. But this time, it was thankfully dreamless.

 

 

 

———————————————————————————————————-

 

_Suddenly Isak pulled away, looking at the edge of a pool. Even followed his gaze and saw the little girl standing there. There was a few seconds of awkward silence, then the little girl yelled “mommy” and they started moving again, over to the edge of the pool, to get the hell out._

 

 

 

_“Fuck”_

 

 

 

_“But for fuck sake!”_

 

 

 

_“Who the fuck is she?”_

 

 

 

_“It’s not my aunt’s house.”_

 

 

 

_“Who’s house is it?”_

 

 

 

_“Someone I went to elementary school with.”_

 

_Isak teased him about this the entire bike ride back to Isak’s apartment, while complaining that he was freezing to death. So was Even. They stopped outside, suddenly scared the girls might still be in the apartment waiting for them. They sneaked in, finding the place empty. Even found his phone where he had left it, one missed call and fourteen texts from Sonja, escalating from “Where are you” to “Fuck you Even”. He had kind of expected that. He followed Isak into his room and just tossed his phone on Isak’s bed._

 

_“Wanna shower first?” Isak asked him, handing him a t-shirt, a hoodie and a pair of sweatpants._

 

_“Sure.” Even showered quickly, got dressed and let Isak have the bathroom. While he waited for Isak he walked around the room absentmindedly, looking at things without really looking. He was thinking about the meaning of all this._

 

_He liked Isak. Isak liked him back. But could the younger boy handle a nutcase like Even during the bad days? Because they would come. They still hadn't found meds that worked for him, he either got too drugged to function, or they had no effect on him what so ever. He hated living like this, never knowing when he would have another episode._

 

_Last year had been absolutely hell. Sonja had been there for him, yes. But to be honest, she had actually made things worse. Unknowingly and probably without meaning too._

 

_He heard the shower turn of and walked over to the bed. Lied down, resting his head on a pillow. Waiting for Isak to come back._

 

_A few minutes later he did. “Hey.” Isak smiled shyly._

 

_“Halla.” Even replied, grinning._

 

_Isak joined him on the bed, obviously a little uncomfortable._

 

_“I like you. A lot.” Even just blurted out._

 

_“I like you too.”_

 

_“Yeah?”_

 

_“Yeah.” Isak bit his lip._

 

_And that was all it took for Even to loose all self-control and starting to kiss the younger boy again. And again. And again._

 

 

—————————————————————————————————

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The first people to visit him when he was moved into another room was Lisa and Anders. They sat down next to his bed, one on each side, and just grabbed his hands. They didn't speak. They didn't say anything. And when Isak looked at Lisa and opened his mouth to say something, she hushed him. 

 

“You don’t have to say anything Isak. I know. We know. How you feel. We know.” she was tear eyed, but obviously trying to fight it.

 

“I-“

 

“You know, before you came into the picture, I was so sure I would lose Even. He had gotten his diagnose a year or so before he met you, but he had been sick for years before. When he was a kid they diagnosed him with ADHD. But then, when he started middle school he became so depressed at times I feared that he would try and kill himself. A few times he actually tried. And when the diagnose came, when they finally told us he was bipolar, I was so sure he would find a way to actually succeed. He was so down. He hated himself. And that girl, Sonja, didn't make it better. I know she was just trying to help him, but she suffocated him. But then you came along. And you saved him. And you continued saving him every day for the next ten years. And I’m so grateful to you for that Isak. I can never repay you for what you did for my boy. And I won’t ask the impossible of you. I know people are pestering you about moving on. I won’t do that. I will just tell you that it’s okay if you do move on. Even would have wanted you to, if you ever end up feeling like that is the right choice. And if you want to, you always have a place to live, with us. You gave us ten really good years with our boy. And I’m so thankful for that.”

 

Isak didn't answer. He didn't have the words to. And Anders and Lisa left him soon after, something about talking to a lawyer. Even didn't have a will, but they wanted everything transferred into Isak’s accounts. They were married, so there shouldn't be a problem, but they wanted to make sure of everything.

 

Before they left, Isak only asked Lisa one thing.

 

“Lisa?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Can you sell the apartment for me?”

 

Because he knew he couldn't do it by himself. He couldn’t ever go back there. Never. She had just nodded, promised to pack down all his stuff and put the apartment on the market. He had just thanked her, and then she and Anders left. He didn't bother telling her he wouldn't ever need his stuff again. Or the money. Or anything.

 

Isak looked around his new room, what little of it he could see, considering his neck was held in place still to stabilise his spine. The window was placed so he couldn't see much from this angle. It was a shame. The walls were boring, empty. The room smelled hospital, just like every other hospital room. 

 

He hated it here. But he knew he had no choice. He had to stay. And he had to pretend he was getting better, so he could get out of here and try again. Do it right this time, succeed. He wanted to die. Needed to die. He couldn't take this anymore. 

 

His mind drifted to the story Lisa had told him. He knew most of it. But not the part where Even had tried to kill himself at a younger age. He knew Even had tried once, right before they got together. After the plaza incident. But he hadn't known it had been multiple tries. Somehow, this information made the pain so much worse. How could it possibly get any worse now? Well, it did. Knowing how horrible his boyfriend and husband’s life had been. And the shitty way he had treated him this past year, being mean and sarcastic and pulling at his weaknesses because he wanted Even to spend more time with him.

 

Isak hated himself. He truly did. Why did it have to be Even? Why couldn't Isak had died instead? He wished so badly the roles were reversed. Even was a much stronger person than him. Even would get through something like this. Isak wouldn’t. He just knew he would never get through this.

 

-

 

Jonas came into his room a while after Even's parents left, and opposite to what he had been doing these past weeks, he didn't sit down and stayed silent. Isak had expected this to happen sooner actually, but perhaps Jonas had decided to give him some time to heal and learn to breathe again. Jonas had been there through the hardest nights, helping him catching his breath, calming him down when the pain was all consuming and the nurses was a bit too slow with the pain meds. Or maybe he hadn't known what to say or do about the situation before now. Maybe it was because Isak had hardly been lucid and Jonas could probably see it. But Isak had expected him to yell. Which he now did. 

 

“What the fuck where you thinking Isak? What about your family? Your friends? Me? Do you have any idea how horrible it is to get that call? To sit by your bed and watch you in this pain without being able to do a damn thing to help you?”

 

Isak actually laughed at that. Very dryly. And then Jonas eyes shot open in panic as he realised what he had just said. “Fuck!” Because Isak knew. He knew so damn well how it was to get a message like that. Except Jonas had gotten a better message than Isak. Isak had lived. Even hadn’t.

 

Jonas started pacing the room. Isak just let him, and kept his mouth shut. Jonas finally sat down next to him. “I won’t let you do this Isak. Do you hear me? Yes, losing the person you love hurts. And it stays with you forever. And I can’t even imagine the pain you're in. But I won’t let you do this. I will fight you every step of the way if I have to. But you will live, you hear me?”

 

Isak ignored him. He wasn't in the mood to argue right now. Jonas could believe whatever he wanted to believe. Isak was getting out of here and then he was going to kill himself. And he was going to succeed.

 

 

 

****

 

 

 

**——————————-**

  
****

 

 

 

**“Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it.”**

 

**// J.K. Rowling**


	5. Chapter 5

 

 

 

 

 

**_I will never let you fall_ **

 

**_I'll stand up with you forever_ **

 

**_I'll be there for you through it all_ **

 

**_\- The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, Your Guardian Angel_ **

 

 

 

**_—————————————————_ **

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jonas was at a loss. He didn't know what to do or how to help Isak. Whenever Jonas tried to talk to his friend, he would only get blank stares and silence for replies. What was left of his friend was obviously buried deep inside, under all the hurt and sorrow and guilt. Isak had built this wall around him, a wall Jonas couldn't find a way to break down.

 

Jonas could see the guilt in Isak’s eyes, and he knew it wasn't because of the suicide attempt. He knew Isak still wanted to die. He had made that very clear, thank you. And he had to figure out a way to fix that. But he couldn’t, not until he figured out what Isak was so guilty about. But again, the wall. No matter how much Jonas asked and begged and pleaded, Isak refused to talk about it. Refused to even acknowledge that it was something to talk about. He just stared blankly at Jonas whenever Jonas tried to ask.

 

He knew they would force Isak to participate in therapy at the hospital, but at this point he couldn't actually believe it would work. Isak had shut everything out, even Jonas. The only one who could break down the walls was dead and that was also the reason for the walls. Jonas was at a loss.

 

 

 

He tried talking to Magnus and Mahdi about it, but the boys didn't have any solutions either. They talked about the band - what was going to happen next now. Jonas didn't want to take a stand yet, didn't want to ask Isak whether they should look for another lead singer or not. It was just wrong. Magnus and Mahdi agreed. “If Isak doesn't want to continue, we will disband.” Mahdi said fiercely. No-one challenged it. He was right. Without Isak, there was no band.

 

He tried talking to his own parents about it. They told him to just give Isak time. Let him heal. Prepare for the possibility that Isak would never heal from this. Loosing a soulmate, it broke a person in ways that couldn't be explained or understood by others. His mother knew, because it had happened to her sister. She never recovered, ended up drinking herself to death.

 

He even went as far as to talk with the girl squad. He and Eva still talked from time to time, despite having moved on with their lives. They remained friends. And they both loved Isak. Which was why he was now sitting in her living room, the rest of her friends there too. They had invited Magnus and Mahdi as well. Sitting down together, trying to come up with a plan.

 

But they were sitting in silence, because no-one could come up with anything. There wasn't anything any of them could say or do to help Isak. Even was gone.

 

“We can't just let him do this.” Jonas said weakly.

 

“We can’t exactly stop him.” Eva said carefully.

 

“So you mean we should just sit back and let him?” Jonas challenged.

 

“He lost his soulmate Jonas. You can’t just force him to recover from that.” Vilde said, shaking her head.

 

“I know that. Fuck.”

 

“You said he looked guilty. Figure out why?” Sana suggested.

 

“He won’t talk.”

 

“Then ask someone who knows. Maybe Even’s parents?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“And don’t focus on helping him ‘get over it’. Try to find something else for him to focus on, something that can give him a tiny spark of happiness. But above all, respect that he doesn't want to move on. He lost Even. Even died. Don’t push.” Sana looked at all of them, and Jonas could see all of their friends nodding. He nodded himself. He wasn't going to push. 

 

But he couldn't just sit there and watch Isak trying to kill himself again.

 

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

He ended up driving around all night. Stopping by the water, watching the sunset. Sitting in silence, darkness, smoking a joint for the first time in years. Trying to come up with a plan.

 

His mind was blank.

 

He fiddled with his phone. Scrolled through old text messages between himself and Isak. Between himself and Even… They didn't talk all that much, mostly about Isak and whenever the band was on tour and Isak forgot to charge his phone. But sometimes they talked about other stuff. Even had advised him about heartbreak more than once. Jonas was terrible with relationships.

 

 

 

He flipped through the messages, found a playlist Even once linked to him and started scrolling through the songs. His finger hovered over one of the songs, waiting a few seconds before he pressed the play button.

 

 

 

 

 

I know it's hard

 

I know it's hard

 

I know it's hard to be in this position

 

If they stop loving you

 

I won't stop loving you

 

If they stop needing you

 

I'll still need you, my dear

 

 

 

If you fall asleep down by the water

 

Baby I'll carry you, all the way home

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He needed to help Isak. And maybe it was for the most selfish reason of them all: Jonas needed Isak to live, because he he couldn't imagine a life without his best friend.

 

So when morning arrived, he drove home, got showered and changed, waited until a more decent hour, and drove over to Even’s parents home. He parked out side, spent a few minutes in the car clearing his mind, got out of the car, walked over to the front door and knocked. Lisa opened and welcomed him in, asked him if he wanted a cup of tea. He accepted and they sat down in the kitchen. He had been there a few times before, at dinners with Isak and Even. Before they went to California, they had their going-away party there. It felt like a life time ago. Maybe it was too.

 

The kitchen was small but comfortable, pictures of Even and Isak, and of Even’s sister and her husband was sitting on the windowsill. Lisa and Anders hadn't taken any of the photos of Even down. Jonas couldn't figure out how they could bear to look at them every day. But maybe they found some comfort in them, maybe the happy memories in the photos gave them some kind of peace.

 

They talked about the weather. About their latest album, which Lisa claimed to love. Anything but the giant elephant in the room.

 

“Do you know why he’s punishing himself?” Jonas asked them after some more casual smalltalk. It was after all the reason he was here.

 

“What do you mean?” Anders asked.

 

“He had this guilty look in his eyes… I tried asking, but he never answers. He just ignores me.”

 

“Jonas… We don’t know. We asked him the same once when we stopped by to tell him the apartment was sold. He just ignored it. He didn't even seem to care about selling their place, the place that held so many memories. When I asked him were he wanted me to put their stuff, he asked me to throw it out. I didn’t, I have it in Even’s old room. But Isak, he is just… He’s just as gone as Even, right now. I look at him and I only see the shell of a boy I once knew.” Lisa shook her head.

 

“Shit.”

 

“Yeah. But we can’t force him to talk about it Jonas. He needs time to heal from this.” Anders said weakly, his voice breaking, revealing that he too needed time to heal. He was hurting too.

 

“I just fear that he never will.” Jonas whispered. He felt like he was loosing Isak. He knew he was. He just wished he knew what to do, how to help him.

 

“Me too.” Lisa said quietly.

 

They sat in silence for a while. Jonas studied them both. They were mourning, just like Isak. But they weren't in the hospital for having tried to kill themselves. Then again, they had each other. 

 

And in situations like this, people needed something or someone to hold onto. People need people. And Isak had lost his person. The person he loved the most in this entire word. The person he trusted and loved and cared for unconditionally. And while he knew Jonas and his parents and Lisa and Anders loved him, it would never be the same, it would never measure up.

 

 

 

But Jonas couldn't just watch his best friend kill himself. He couldn't just watch him punish himself either. He had to figure out what was troubling Isak.

 

 

“I know someone who might know.” Anders said, exchanging looks with Lisa.

 

“Who?”

 

“Marianne.”

 

“But she’s almost never lucid these days.” Jonas protested. It was true. Marianne had become even worse after Isak’s suicide attempt. She had basically lost her grip on reality completely. 

 

“Yeah, but I know she was in his room his last night in the ICU, and Terje told us he could see Isak telling her something. He said they were both crying and that Marianne refused to tell him afterwards. Maybe she knows.” Anders shrugged. “It’s worth a shot.”

 

“Yeah.” It sounded logical. Isak telling his mother. Because he knew she wouldn't tell anyone else, and because Jonas knew Isak had bonded with her again, thanks to Even. After coming back from California, he had visited her twice a week whenever they stayed in Oslo, and he always went straight to visit her after tours. 

 

Jonas had often accompanied him, so maybe Marianne would talk to him. And maybe she wouldn’t. But it was worth a shot, like Anders said.

 

Jonas thanked them for the tea left soon after. 

 

Checking his clock, he found it was nearly time for Isak’s physical therapy, and decided to swing by the hospital to be there for his friend. So far, they weren't doing much during therapy, but it was very painful for Isak, so Jonas made sure to be there every day.

 

Walking into the hospital room, he found Isak staring at nothing, eyes blank and he didn't answer when Jonas tried to talk to him. He had been like this ever since he got admitted, and Jonas knew he should be used to it by now. But he wasn’t, and he couldn't accept it. Isak, who used to be so full of life and joy and happiness… It broke Jonas’ heart to see him like this.

 

The therapy session was cut short today, Isak was in too much pain and the nurses had to up his pain medication dosage. Jonas held his hand until he drifted off to sleep, and for just a small second, Isak squeezed his hand weakly.

 

Leaving the room, Jonas found himself sinking down into a sitting position, leaning against a wall, crying silently. There was literally nothing he could do to help Isak. He was so powerless in this situation, and he fucking hated it. He wanted to be able to help Isak, take away some of his pain. He found himself cursing the universe and God. He found himself wishing he could turn back time and save Even.

 

He found himself wishing it had been him dying instead of Even, because then Isak wouldn't have been in the same kind of pain, and he would have Even to help him through it.

 

Leaving the hospital, Jonas didn't know where to go. He sat in his car, thinking about Sana’s words. About not pushing. Thought about the conversation with Even’s parents. About speaking to Marianne. It was worth a shot, even if it was a desperate move. He put the car in gear and started driving over to Isak’s childhood home. He knew Marianne stayed at an institution mostly these days, but he hoped that she would be home today.

 

He was lucky. Well. Half-lucky.

 

She was home, but she was lost in her own world again. Which he had expected. Jonas accepted Terje’s invitation to stay for dinner none the less. He didn't really have any plans, and going home to his empty apartment didn't sound that tempting - he would just sit in a chair and think about all the ways he was failing Isak anyway. They talked about stuff like work and politics and the weather. And then they talked about Isak some. Terje didn't have any luck with making Isak talk either. 

 

Jonas knew Marianne would never talk with Terje in the room. Terje was a good and kind man, but he didn't do well with feelings. He knew that Isak never talked to his dad about feelings, because it just because awkward and wierd. And Marianne didn't either. Terje didn't have the same patience with Marianne and her ramblings that Isak had learned to have. So Marianne had learned not to speak to much around Terje, because he would just walk away and leave her out of frustration if she did.

 

When Terje went into the bathroom, Jonas tried to ask Marianne some causal questions, like how she was feeling and if she was staying home for a while now or going back. Instead of answering any of his questions, Marianne reached over the dinner table and grabbed Jonas’ hand. He was startled by her move, but accepted it.

 

“Please help my boy.” she whispered.

 

“I don’t know how.” Jonas admitted helplessly. He felt like crying again. He usually didn't cry this much, but he had stayed strong for so long, he could hold it together anymore. He couldn't help Isak. He couldn't save his best friend.

 

He could see her eyes flicker, between him and the window. Like she was expecting something to happen. She probably was. He could see she had a bad day.

 

“He blames himself.” she suddenly whispered, and looked him straight in the eye.

 

“For what?” he asked quickly, praying that she would stay with him long enough to explain.

 

“For not telling Even he loved him.”

 

“But he did that multiple times.” Jonas countered in confusion.

 

“They argued. Before the accident. They argued. Isak blames himself. He will never recover. My precious boy.” she pulled her hand away again, resumed staring out of the window.

 

Jonas realised it was a coping mechanism. She was blocking the real world out, kind of like Isak, because she was hurting now too. She didn't do it to be weird or crazy or rude. She was breaking apart just as much as Isak was. As Jonas himself was. 

 

But now Jonas understood better why Isak was acting like he did. He never got to say goodbye, and their last words had been an argument. He couldn't even imagine to know how painful that was to live with. No matter how many times Isak had probably told Even he loved him, he hadn't said it the last time they spoke. And now he would never be able to tell him again.

 

This was something Jonas had no solution to. He couldn't talk to Isak about this, because he wasn't supposed to know. Just like when they were sixteen and he realised Isak had a crush on him. He didn't say anything, because it wasn't his place to say. And now, this? It wasn't his place to say. Not unless Isak told him first, then he would gladly talk about it. But right now, Jonas had to keep this to himself.

 

-

 

He got the idea while watching some old youtube videos of their band preforming. The only thing making Isak’s eyes spark the way Even had, was preforming. He loved it. At least he used to love it. So the chances of him still loving it was probably slim right now. The Isak he knew and loved was buried deep underneath all the pain and heartache and sorrow and despair. 

 

But there was a small hope. That this might be a solution. And Jonas would take anything right now. Any small hope was enough.

 

He talked to Eva about it, and at first she was sceptical, but a bottle of white wine and five youtube videos later, she agreed. He ended up spending the night at her place, letting her hold him while he cried himself to sleep.

 

He made some calls, first to Magnus, who was super enthusiastic about his plan, and then to Mahdi who wasn't as sure this was the right way to help Isak. But after some convincing from both Jonas and Magnus, he was on board too.

 

They reached out to some people from the record company and some friends in the industry, and soon a plan was in motion.

 

 

-

 

 

The next day Jonas spent the whole day at the hospital with Isak. He sat in a chair in the corner of the room, working on his laptop and watching his friend from time to time.

 

 

“You can do it Isak.”

 

“It hurts.”

 

“I know, but it’s just a few more repetitions, and then we’re done for today.”

 

“I can’t.”

 

“You can.”

 

“NO!”

 

“Yes.”

 

“I can’t!”

 

He was getting physical therapy right now. The therapist was moving Isak’s legs. He had just gotten the cast’s of. It was obviously really really painful. They weren't moving the legs a lot, because of the spine, but it still hurt by the look on his friend’s face.

 

As the therapist grabbed hold of his leg again, Isak cried out in pain. Jonas put down his laptop, and walked over to his friend. “I know it hurt’s Isak. But you can do this. You can.”

 

“I can’t Jonas.”

 

“You can. Just squeeze my hand. I’m here for you.” Jonas said, holding out his hand.

 

Isak looked unsure, but grabbed Jonas hand anyway. When Kent moved his legs again, Isak squeezed Jonas’ hand so hard the dark haired boy had to bite his lip not to cry out in pain.

 

Isak last scans showed that his spine had healed quicker than anticipated. His spinal injury hadn't been so severe, they kept saying he was lucky. Jonas could tell he didn't feel lucky. 

 

He could tell his friend really hated this.

 

-

 

That afternoon the doctor came in to remove the neck brace and all the stuff keeping Isak’s spine stabilised. Magnus and Mahdi came a while later, with pizza and a bunch of documents.

 

Mahdi handed them to Jonas who looked through them and nodded.

 

“What is this?” Isak asked warily. 

 

“We’ve got booked for a tour.” Jonas answered simply, before getting himself a slice of pizza, like this was just a casual thing that happened all the time.

 

“What?!” Isak all but shrieked. 

 

“We accepted.” Magnus supplied.

 

“Why?!” Isak looked at them like they were stupid.

 

Maybe they were. But this was the only idea they had. “We’re going on tour in two months with another band. We signed the contract yesterday.” Jonas said.

 

“Without asking me?”

 

“Yup.”

 

“I won’t do it.” Isak shook his head slowly.

 

“You will. We’re kidnapping you.”

 

“You can’t. You have to find another lead-singer. I won’t do it. I can’t do it. You can’t make me. I’m a cripple.”

 

“You will be on your feet by the start of the tour.”

 

“You don’t know that.”

 

“I know you can do it Isak. We know you can. You just have to want to.” Jonas pushed.

 

“I DON’T want to. Why doesn't anyone get that?!” Isak was pissed at them now. But this was good. Pissed was an emotion. Pissed was better than numb and distant and that awful wall.

 

“We get it. Which is why we are doing this. You do have something to live for Isak. You just have to see it. And we know this is hard. It’s harder than any of us can imagine. But you can do it. We believe you can. Please.”

 

“No.”

 

“Isak.”

 

“No.”

 

“We already signed.” Magnus shot in.

 

“I didn’t.”

 

“You didn't have too. You have signed with our label as a part of the band, and three out of four said yes. You have no choice in the matter.” Jonas said.

 

“I do if I leave the band.”

 

“Isak.” Jonas said quietly.

 

“I don’t want to do this Jonas. I really really don’t. I just-”

 

“You just want to die?” Jonas answered sarcastically.

 

“Yes.”

 

“Too bad, I won’t let you.”

 

“That is my decision and not yours.”

 

“Not really. You see, I won’t let you. What ever you will try, I’ll be there to stop you. For the rest of your life.”

 

“You can’t make decisions for me Jonas!”

 

“Someone obviously have to! What do you think Even would say, huh? To this shitty attitude you have developed. These walls you have built around yourself? For what? Life goes on Isak. And you're going to get better and you are going to go on tour with us and you will get through this.” Jonas knew he was pushing it far. But someone had to push Isak. Because he had built all these walls around himself and if they stayed in place, no-one would ever be able to help Isak.

 

“Fuck you! Get out! All of you!” Isak yelled, trying to sit up and failing, resulting in a cry in pain.

 

So the boys just scrambled out of there, figuring it was better to leave before Isak ended up injuring himself from the anger they obviously caused him.

 

“So, that went like I predicted.” Mahdi said dryly as the boys walked out of the hospital.

 

“Yes. I expected it too.” Jonas said.

 

“Then why-“

 

“He got angry.”

 

“And?”

 

“Angry is better than distant and numb. Angry is good. Maybe some of that anger will help him recover. Tear down the walls he has built around his emotions.”

 

“And the tour?” Magnus asked.

 

“He’s going. He just needs time to accept it. We kind of sprung it on him.”

 

“You actually think he will change his mind?” Mahdi asked sceptically. 

 

“I don’t know.” Jonas admitted. “But I sincerely hope so.”

 

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

When he entered Isak’s room the next day and the first words the other boy said was “fuck you”, Jonas realised this would take some time and a lot of work. But they were going. He would get Isak back out there. He wouldn't let him kill himself and he wouldn't let him drown in his sorrows.

 

“Good morning to you too.” Jonas just smiled and handed Isak a soda and a donut. 

 

The other boy accepted it sceptically. “I’m not hungry.”

 

“I know. Eat it anyway. When is your therapy?”

 

“Which one?” Isak answered sarcastic and took a small bite of the donut.

 

“Oh, have they started the therapy sessions yet? Is your psychiatrist nice?”

 

“He is.”

 

“Good.”

 

“So, which were you referring to?”

 

“Well, the physical one. I figured I would stick around for it.”

 

“Why?”

 

“You could use a hand to squeeze.”

 

“Why you?”

 

“I’m your friend Isak.”

 

“Are you really? Is that why you're trying to force me to do something I don’t want to? And throwing words about Even not liking my choices in my face? The fucking record-label called me and told me I had to go on that tour. Because of you assholes, the dates have been booked and people have already started buying tickets. Thanks a lot, ‘friend’.” Isak spat at him.

 

Jonas chose to ignore the tone. He knew Isak didn't really mean it. He was in pain. He was suffering both mentally and physically and after everything he had been through, he had every right to be angry.

 

 

 

“When do you have therapy?”

 

“In fifteen minutes.”

 

“I’ll stay.”

 

“Just go Jonas. You probably have something better to do.”

 

“Nope.”

 

“Can you please leave?”

 

“No.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because I care, Isak. I care.”

 

Isak didn't answer him. He didn't have to. The words remained unspoken between them. The words of friendship and love and care. They both knew what the other was feeling. No matter how deeply Isak had buried his feelings, Jonas knew that somewhere in there, the Isak he knew and loved was. The Isak that loved him back, because they were best friends. The Isak who had been in love with him when they were younger. The Isak who had taken care of him and Even and everyone who needed it. The kind, generous, caring Isak full of life and optimism and happiness was in there still. He just had to be. He had to.

 

Jonas just walked over, sat down in the chair next to Isak and grabbed the other boy’s hand. Isak looked at him and Jonas met his eyes. Isak’s green eyes were dull. There was no spark in them, no happiness. They were devoid of life. Jonas felt his chest tighten in pain. It hurt, seeing his friend like this.

 

“I know you don’t agree with me, or believe what I’m saying, and thats fine. You need time. And I will give you time. But you will get through this Isak. Because you are strong and amazing and we love you. Your friends and family love you. You just have to hold on to that. I know you don’t want to. But please just give it a chance. Give therapy a chance. Give the tour a chance. If you still feel the same when we come home from the tour, I will let you go. But until then, I will fight you every step of the way. And I will stay here with you every day, help you recover. I will help you Isak. You're not alone in this. I’m with you, every step of the way. I promise.”

 

As suspected, Isak didn't answer him. But he squeezed Jonas hand a little. And that was more than enough for Jonas. It was a small hope. 

 

He stayed through Isak’s physical therapy, holding the other boy’s hand the entire time, and stayed with him until the psychiatrist came to talk to Isak. He gathered his stuff then, and left with a promise of returning the next morning.

 

And the morning after.

 

And every morning until Isak was out of the hospital.

 

And he stuck to his promises.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**_——————————————————_ **

  
****

 

 

**_If you forget the way to go_ **

 

**_And lose where you came from_ **

 

**_If no one is standing beside you_ **

 

**_Be still and know I am_ **

 

**_//Be Still - The Fray_ **


	6. Chapter 6

 

 

 

 

**_“You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly – that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.”_ **

 

 

 

**_// Anne Lamott_ **

 

 

**_\-----------------_ **

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Why did you try to kill yourself Isak?”

 

“Because my husband died.”

 

“A lot of people lose their spouses.”

 

“So you mean my reason isn't valid?”

 

“I didn't say that.”

 

“You implied it.”

 

“I merely question if there is something more to it. Loosing your husband too early in a tragic accident is a huge emotional trauma. For some people it is harder than for others. And that doesn't mean that the people who cope easier didn't love their significant other any less. Or that the people who doesn't cope, like yourself, is weaker.”

 

“I don’t want to talk about this.” Isak said stubbornly, blinking back tears. He wasn't ready to dig into these open wounds.

 

“But we have to.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because you tried to kill yourself.”

 

“I simply don't want to live any more.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because my husband is dead.”

 

“You may find someone else.”

 

“Stop saying stuff like that.”

 

“Life is nothing but uncertain, Isak. Something could happen tomorrow, next week, in a year, that will change your mind.”

 

“No.”

 

“Why are you so sure?”

 

Isak really didn't like this guy. He felt like he was being accused of a crime, questioned as a suspect or something. He was growing frustrated. What did this man expect him to say? That he regretted his suicide attempt? Because he didn’t. Not one bit.

 

“Because he was my soulmate!” Isak screamed. And just as he did, he realised what his therapist wanted. He wanted Isak to search for a reason to live. He was forcing him to feel emotions he had locked down, forcing him to see the situation from other angels. They had been through this same conversation every day for two weeks now.

 

“Now we’re getting somewhere. You said he was your soulmate. How are you so sure?”

 

Isak looked at the other man, and wondered how he could explain it. He realised he couldn’t. Instead he started telling him the story about him and Even, from start to finish. Except the last conversation. He left that out. He couldn't revisit it right now. He couldn’t.

 

“And? There is something you left out at the end there. You froze for a second between telling be about Even going to Bergen and the police coming to get you in the middle of the night. What happened Isak? What are you burying deep down inside, what is making you lock yourself down and insisting on punishing yourself like you've committed a crime or something?”

 

“I can’t talk about that.”

 

“You can. You just have to take it, one word at a time. But you can. Look at yourself Isak. Today you're sitting upright in the bed. Yesterday you took a few steps-“

 

“Painful ones.”

 

“- but you did it anyway. We have talked everyday for a few weeks. Yes, we keep having the same conversation, up until today. Today you told me your love story. What made you decide to do that today?”

 

“I- I don’t know. I just couldn't explain why I know Even was my soulmate without telling you our story.”

 

“And I believe you. I actually believed you before you told me that story. But what are you hiding Isak? What’s the one thing you still haven't told me?”

 

“Not today.” Isak said, shaking his head and biting his lip, fighting the tears. He didn't want to cry right now. Because then the wound would reopen and he drown in his this all-consuming pain that had been weighing on him since the day Even died. The day he got the message, not the day they unplugged him. Because Even had actually died the day he crashed, even if they kept him on life-support for a while after that.

 

He couldn't do that pain right now. He was having another physical therapy session later, and he wouldn't survive that if he had to rip his heart out by thinking about this anymore right now. He needed to push this away again, lock it down, suppress it.

 

And to his relief, his therapist actually agreed. “Not today.” he said. “But we have to keep talking about this Isak. We have to rip open these wounds and tear down your walls and you are allowed to cry and scream and yell if you need to. But we need to work through this, if you are ever going to get any better. If your ever going to get passed this, we have to work on it.”

 

“What if I don’t?”

 

“You don’t want to get past this?”

 

“I don’t want to live.”

 

“Well, we’ll just have to keep working until you change your mind then.”

 

“I won’t.”

 

“Probably not today. Or tomorrow. Or next week.”

 

“Or ever.”

 

“We’ll see Isak.” He got up to leave. “I’ll see you tomorrow. Same time. Good luck on your physical, I know you’ll kick ass.”

 

Isak just let out a humourless laugh and rolled his eyes. 

 

When he was finally left alone, he clenched his fists in the sheets, and took a deep breath to steady himself. He could do this. He could get out of here and try again. He wouldn't let them change his mind. Because there wasn't anything to live for. It really wasn’t…

 

 

 

 

———————————————————————————-

 

_Even had just stayed the night. Isak didn't ask him too, and Even didn't ask to stay. They just ended up asleep in each other’s arms. And when they woke up, he could sense how insecure Isak still was._

 

_When he asked if the younger boy wanted any hep with making breakfast, he could see how Isak’s jaw tensed. Okay, so Isak didn't want his flatmates to know he had a boy in his room. Or that he was gay. Even could understand that, even if it stung a little bit._

 

_They ate toast and drank orange juice in silence, before Even suggested a movie. They curled up on Isak’s bed with his laptop and watched Romeo and Juliet. Even could swear he had seen Isak cry a little at the end and teased him about it. The younger boy seemed to relax again after that. When he suggested that they could smoke a joint, Even hesitated. He knew he shouldn’t._

 

_But he really wanted to. So he said yes._

 

_They ended up on Isak’s bed, on their backs, using a cup for an ashtray. They passed the joint back and forwards, and exchanged sweet kisses. It was magical. It was epic. Even was feeling epic. “I think life is just like a movie and that you can be the director of your own life. Do you get what I mean?”_

 

 

_The younger boy nodded. “I do. But I’m not sure I completely agree.”_

 

 

_“You don’t agree?”_

 

 

_“No..” Isak shrugged, then added “What makes it all so interesting is the infinity.”_

 

 

_“What do you mean?”_

 

 

_“All those parallel universes. Everything-, like, just how big everything is. How insignificant we are, compared to all of the infinite parallel universes that exist. And everything that can happen will happen… Not only will happen, it is happening. “_

 

 

_It was so interesting, listening to Isak speak about something he believed so passionately in. He studied the younger boy, fascinated by his enthusiasm._

 

 

_“There is probably, in a parallel universe, an Isak and an Even that is lying in the exact same way, in the exact same place. Only that, you know…There’s like, a different colour on the curtains, or whatever.”_

 

 

_Even felt a little uncomfortable just thinking about this. Like, he already felt so small, his life so insignificant, that the thought of infinite universes made him panic a little. He thought bak to the darkest days where he wished to be anyone else, or another version of himself, but instead he was stuck being the crazy bipolar kid who ruined his friendships and made a fool of himself on social media. But the glimmer in Isak’s eyes made him want play along a little more. “So, yellow curtains then?”_

 

 

_“Yeah.” Isak seemed a little lost, a little too high. But he was so cute and happy and Even was so in love with him._

 

 

_“Nah. I think that’s enough jay for you.” Even laughed._

 

 

 

_“Have you never thought about it?” Isak asked him curiously._

 

 

 

_“Well, yeah. But it’s just making me feel so… I don’t know, lonely.” Even admitted. He could feel the buzz from the weed and focused on not saying to much. He really wanted to tell Isak everything, he just… he was afraid of scaring Isak away. He knew that if he lost him, he wouldn't be able to handle it._

 

 

_“It’s so interesting!” Isak protested._

 

 

_“Nah, I don’t like it…” Even pulled away a little. He wanted to find something else to talk about._

 

 

_“Why not?” But Isak was so insisting and for once he was actually enthusiastic and open and speaking._

 

 

_“I don’t know… It freaks me out.” he admitted._

 

 

 

_“Jesus Christ… In what way?” Isak sounded curious, not mocking or teasing. “It freaks you out…”_

 

_“Not freaked out the way you get by a scary movie, but like… More of a ‘feeling alone’, sort of freaked out. That like… It’s your head… It’s you and your head, and all your thoughts.” Even said, trying to explain it without really explaining it._

 

  _“Alone in your head..? What do you mean?”_

 

_“‘The brain is alone’-feeling.”_

 

 

_“What kind of feeling, ‘the brain is alone’?”_

 

_“Because there’s only you and your thoughts, you know. You can’t escape your thoughts. The only way is to die.”_

 

_“That’s real dark though.”_

 

_Okay, so maybe he shouldn't have added that last part. But he meant it. He believed it._

 

_“Yeah, but have you never thought about it before?”_

 

_“No.”_

 

_“Jeez, I’d forgotten how young you are.” Even tried to laugh it off._

 

_It looked like Isak was going to say more, but there was a knock on the door. He could feel Isak tense against him again._

 

_“What is it?” he yelled._

 

_Eskild’s voice came through the door. “Are you going to stay in there the entire day?”_

 

_“I’m sleeping!” Isak lied._

 

_“Who ones the shoes in the hall?”_

 

_Even could see Isak panic. “They belong to Jonas!” It hurt a bit, knowing Isak didn't want anyone to know he was here. But he wasn't being honest with his own friends and family, so who was he to judge._

 

_It seemed like Eskild accepted the lie, because he left._

 

_“Fucking babysitter.” Isak muttered, and laid his head back down, slowly relaxing again._

 

_Even took the opportunity to switch subjects._

 

_“How did you end up in this shared apartment actually?”_

 

_He could see Isak’s eyes flicker. A nervous laugh escaped the younger boy. “It was just… one night I was really drunk, and then I met Eskild…”_

 

_“Okay… So he basically picked you up then?”_

 

_“No. Or, I don’t know, I can’t remember. I think he just took pity on me, because I was totally wasted and.. my dad left my mom and..” Isak seemed really upset about this, so Even decided it was not the time to pry and ask more questions. “The thing was, I didn't want to go home. And so he brought… Me back here. And then… blah, blah, blah.”_

 

_Even laughed. “Blah, Blah, Blah. Good story.”_

 

 

_“You can have it. Make a movie.” Isak teased. Even had told him earlier that he wanted to make movies when he graduated school._

 

 

_“I will make a movie about you.” Even said._

 

 

_“Yeah?”_

 

 

_“Do you want to know what it’s called?”_

 

 

_“What?”_

 

 

_“‘The boy who couldn't hold his breath under water.’” Even grinned. His phone started vibrating with a incoming call. He ignored it._

 

 

_“Sounds like a… Pompous piece of shit movie.” Isak huffed. “And by the way, I can hold my breath under water.”_

 

 

_“Mhm.” The phone kept ringing. He was so fucked right now. What was he going to say to Sonja?_

 

 

_“It’s just that I got a… Drop of water in my throat.”_

 

 

_“Drop of water in your throat, yeah?” Even teased._

 

 

_“Yeah…”_

 

_They fell silent, except for the buzzing phone. He finally couldn't ignore it anymore and turned his head towards it, lifted the screen to see who was calling. Just as he suspected, it was Sonja. Who else would even bother to call him that many times in a row?_

 

 

_“Sonja?” Isak asked him._

 

 

_Even sighed. “I’m so fucked.” He truly was. He had to tell Sonja the truth now. Which meant he would lose her. And if Isak got scared away by trouble at home, there was a chance he would be just as scared by Even’s bipolar disorder. Most people was. And then Even would end up alone. And he didn't know if he could do this alone. He dragged his hand through Isak’s hair, pressed his face closer to his forehead, then let out another sigh. “Can’t I just… Stay in here with you forever? Can we do that?” he said, trying to push the thoughts away._

 

_Isak smiled up at him and nodded. “We can do that.”_

 

_So they did. At least for today. They started kissing again, and Isak lifted his arm and put it on Even’s neck. And they just kissed and kissed and kissed._

 

_Until they had to escape the room to get more food._

 

 

—————————————————————

 

 

“One more step Isak!” The physical therapist chanted at him.

 

Isak gritted his teeth in pain. He was walking. With the help of his therapist and crutches he was able to walk. As in he was able to take a step, and then another step, and then another, with help and an enormous amount of pain.

 

“I can’t.” He couldn’t. Not one more. The pain was so intense tears was falling from his eyes and every nerve on his body felt like it was on fire. 

 

“You have to. Just one more step Isak, and then you get to rest. But in order to heal, to get stronger, we need to push you a little.”

 

“You are aware that I don’t want to heal, right?” Isak spat through gritted teeth.

 

“Well, why not?” his therapist countered. 

 

“You are aware that my husband died, right?”

 

“I heard.”

 

“Then you have your answer.”

 

“Isak. I know that you might not believe me right now, but life moves on, whether we want it or not.”

 

Isak just looked at him. Caught his name tag, finding out that he was named Chris. Well, that was ironic, because all he could think of now was Chris from Nissen, the douchebag who was Eva’s boyfriend for a while. Or were they dating? He couldn't remember. But he did remember how kind he was to Isak. This Chris however, wasn't kind. But it wasn't in his job description Isak figured.

 

“I don’t want to fucking move on, Chris. I lost the love of my life. This pain will never leave me. I-I can’t fucking b-breathe right.” His voice started to break. “This pain is consuming me. It won’t let go for even a second. It’s stronger than everything else. It’s so strong, that most days I don’t feel the physical pain when I’m laying in that hospital bed. All I feel is the giant hole in my chest, ripping me to pieces with ever heartbeat. So don’t fucking pester me about moving on. I am not going to. I am doing this because it is mandatory. Because you guys have to keep me here and make me better. But I have no intent on moving on with my life. I still want to die.”

 

Chris backed off and helped him back into the wheelchair, taking him back to his room without another word. And the next few days, he didn't push Isak any further than he wanted to go by own free will.

 

——————

 

“You had an argument with your physical therapist a few days ago.”

 

“He told you?”

 

“Yeah. I’m surprised you didn’t tell me the next day.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because we need to talk about these feelings you are having.”

 

“What does it matter?”

 

“You said to Chris that the pain is consuming you. How?”

 

Isak just looked at him.

 

“Just describe it Isak. Work with me here.”

 

“Fine.” Isak huffed. “I feel like there is a giant hole in my chest. Like, with ever breath I take, every beat of my heart, this pain is pulsing through me, making me want to just rip it out and get rid of it.”

 

“Because you miss Even.”

 

“What kind of stupid question is that.”

 

“Just work with me Isak.”

 

“I don’t want to.”

 

“I know.”

 

“Can we cut this short today? I’m not in the mood for this.”

 

“I think that’s a bad idea.”

 

“I don’t care.”

 

-

 

Every time he closed his eyes and fell asleep, the night of Even’s death was on a constant loop in his mind. The doorbell ringing. The police on the other side of the door. The ride to the hospital. The awful words, telling him of Even’s faith. Sitting by the hospital-bed, watching Even being hooked up to all those machines. Knowing he was gone. His heart breaking apart, shredding to pieces. And then they asked for Even’s heart. And he signed it away. Because Even had wanted him to. And they took him away. 

 

And that’s when Isak woke up, screaming in pain. Every single night. The nurses would come rushing, trying to comfort him, but nothing could numb the pain. 

 

Every once and again, the dream changed a little. He lost Even in different ways. But that was the constant factor in the dreams. He always lost Even. And he always woke up screaming in pain.

 

—

 

“Tell me about your dreams then.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because we need to work through something, Isak. You were talking to me a few days ago. We were staring to get somewhere.”

 

“And I don’t want to get any further. I don’t want to heal. I don’t want to live.”

 

“Isak, live goes-“

 

“On? I am so fucking sick of hearing that. Everyone is telling me that, all the time. I. DON’T. WANT. TO. MOVE. ON!”

 

“Isak.”

 

Isak decided to just refuse to speak.

 

“Isak, seriously?” his therapist said.

 

Isak just lifted his eyebrows.

 

After another ten minutes the therapist just gave up. And took him back into his room. For now.

 

 

 

———————————————————————————-

 

 

 

_Even woke up before Isak the next morning, and after checking his phone he realised that he had to go talk to Sonja now. He had 31 missed calls and 53 texts. She was really really pissed at him._

 

_He found a piece of paper and started doodling a little on it. It was another half-hour before the bus came anyway._

 

_He tried to sneak out without getting noticed, but ended up bumping into Eskild. He tried to be careful with his words, not let anything about him and Isak and their relationship slip. But it was hard. Eskild asked so many questions. He tried dodging them all._

 

_As he pulled on his shoes and jacket, Eskild hovering at the door, the older boy grabbed his arm. “Look, I really care about Isak. I don’t know what’s going on between you two, but don’t hurt him, okay? He doesn't need more pain in his life now.”_

 

_Even just nodded. He couldn't promise that he wouldn't hurt Isak. He really wished he could. But he couldn’t._

 

_Walking from the bus-stop and to his house, he sent Sonja a simple text._

 

 

 

 

_FROM EVEN TO SONJA_

 

_We need to talk. My place, now._

 

 

 

_She didn't respond, but thirty minutes later she knocked on the door to his bedroom, walked in, and closed the door behind her._

 

_His parents and sister were going out, so Even stayed on the windowsill and Sonja stayed with her back leaning against the door until they heard the door get closed and locked behind Even’s family._

 

_And then Sonja started yelling. About him taking of, about him not answering, about him disappearing for more than 24 hours._

 

_“I had to fucking call your mother Even! And she told me you texted her and said you stayed with a friend? Where the fuck have you been? What is going on with you? Are you having another episode?”_

 

_And Even just couldn't listen to this one more time. “Sonja!” he yelled at her. “We are fucking over.”_

 

_“What?”_

 

_“You heard me.”_

 

_“Why?”_

 

_“Mostly because of this!” he said, gesturing to the situation. “This. You, yelling at me like I’m an incompetent toddler.”_

 

_“I’m just trying to look out for you Even!”_

 

_“You are not my mother so stop acting like it! Stop controlling me! I’m fucking tired of it Sonja.”_

 

_“You’re tired of it? Have you ever thought about how this affects the rest of us? Your family, me?”_

 

_Even flinched. Of course he had thought about it. Most days it was all he thought about! And she just had to drag out all his weaknesses every time they argued. And he couldn't live like this anymore. He already felt like a piece of shit. He didn't need her telling him he was one too._

 

_“Sonja, you are being mean. And you have been for the last year or so. Mean, controlling, hovering and belittling. I am not a child. I’m 19 years old. I am bipolar, not stupid. But you don’t understand that. And I get it. I get that it’s scary for you. But you are actually making the situation worse by being like this. And I can’t live like this anymore. I can’t do it. I don’t love you anymore. I’m sorry.”_

 

_“Don’t love me anymore? Since when? Everything was fine last week Even. Have you been taking your meds?”_

 

_“This is what I’m talking about! You don’t even listen to me, you just assume that I’m crazy because I make my own decisions.”_

 

_“That’s unfair Even.”_

 

_“Is it Sonja? I don’t know. All I know is that I’m not in love with you anymore. You're suffocating me.”_

 

_“So you think you can do this alone?” she said in a mocking tone._

 

_“Probably not. But I can’t do it with you.”_

 

_There was an awkward silence for a few minutes._

 

_“That boy, the one you had invited over the night we were having a pre-game, the one Emma is dating. Is he the reason for this?”_

 

_“His name is Isak and he is not dating Emma.”_

 

_“So there is something going on between you then?”_

 

_“Sonja-“_

 

_“No. This is just like that time you started reading the Koran and when you wrote all that stuff on Elvebakken’s Facebook page. Even, you are losing it again!”_

 

_“I’m not losing it! Damn it, can’t you fucking listen to me?!”_

 

_“You’re not even gay, Even!”_

 

_“I’m pansexual actually, which you would have known, had you ever listened to me.”_

 

_“What? That’s bullshit. You're not pansexual. That’s not even a thing.”_

 

_“Yes. It is. See, you keep doing it. Making fun of everything I feel and evert decision I make. You label everything under either mania or depression. I can’t live like this Sonja.”_

 

_“Does he know? About you?”_

 

_“No.”_

 

_She laughed humourlessly. “Good luck with that Even. Call me when you realise this is just another episode.” and the she walked out, leaving him all alone._

 

 

 

_-_

 

 

 

_He stayed home from school for the next days. He couldn't face anyone. What Sonja had said kept echoing in his mind. He knew what he felt. He knew he wasn't manic. He knew it was real. But still, she got to him._

 

_His mother came to check on him every other hour, probably nervous about his sudden mood-change. But for once it wasn't his disease making him feeling down. It was his love for Isak and his fucking girlfriend. They hadn't actually broken up, because she refused to accept it._

 

_He had texted her after she left._

 

 

 

_FROM EVEN TO SONJA_

 

_We’re over Sonja._

 

 

 

_FROM SONJA TO EVEN_

 

_No, we are not. We can take a break, but you will come back to me. I know you Even. This is just a symptom. You will realise it soon enough._

 

 

 

 

_And after that he didn't bother anymore, because the argument would never end. And with every word she managed to make him feel worse._

 

_So he turned of his phone and ignored everything for a few days._

 

_-_

 

_When he finally went back to school, he couldn't concentrate in class. He had to talk to Isak. He hated how he had left without a goodbye and then disappeared for days. He needed to talk to the younger boy, tell him how he felt._

 

_Fuck Sonja._

 

_He found him in gym-class, playing around with a football. They made eye-contact, and he motioned for Isak to follow him in to the changing room. The younger boy complied._

 

 

_“Hey.” Isak said, uncertainness in his voice._

 

 

_“Halla.” Even answered._

 

 

_“Where have you been?” Isak asked him._

 

 

_Even looked at Isak. “I.. Have told Sonja about you, and we've decided to take a break.” It wasn't really a lie. He had tried to break up with her, she had decided they were on a break… it was kind of true. “What do you think about that?”_

 

 

_“Awesome.” Isak blurted out._

 

 

_“Yeah?”_

 

 

_“Or.. if it makes you sad, then.. I hope it's not my fault.” Isak seemed to backtrack, concerned about Even._

 

 

_He found that comforting. Knowing Isak cared about him. But he wasn't sad about this, not at all. He had been sad because Sonja had been so mean to him. He wasn't sad about choosing Isak over her. “I'm not sad!”_

 

 

_“No?”_

 

 

_“No!” Even looked into Isak’s eyes, smiling. “What do you think your parents would've said if we started dating?”_

 

 

_“I think that would be okay.” Isak shrugged._

 

 

_“Yeah?”_

 

 

_“Or I mean, dad probably wouldn't have anything against it.”_

 

 

_“But mom would?”_

 

 

_“My mom is insane.” Isak said._

 

_And Even felt like he had been hit in the chest with something hard. He couldn't breathe properly. He knew Isak probably didn't realise how much those words hurt. He was just seventeen and didn't know how insensitive those words was. Insane. He had heard those words countless of times before, always directed at him. “How?” he managed to keep his voice calm and normal._

 

 

_“She.. It’s a completely surreal situation.” Isak started explaining. “She thinks the world is going under, that my uncle is Donald Trump!”_

 

 

_Even raised his eyebrows._

 

_“My uncle is not Donald Trump!”_

 

 

_He pretended to be relieved by this. “Phew, Ok..” But he was freaking out inside._

 

_“But anyway, I haven't talked to her since I moved out.”_

 

 

_“So you don't have contact with her anymore?”_

 

 

_“No, I've decided that my life is better without mentally ill people around me.”_

 

_Sonja had been right. Isak wouldn't stay by his side when he learned the truth. Mental illness had been the reason Isak had fled his childhood home. He wouldn't stay with Even if he knew. My life is better without mentally ill people around me. So that was it. Even could feel his hopes and dreams fall to the ground. He had been picturing a life with Isak. He had never been this in love with anyone, ever. But Isak would never want him if he knew._

 

_“What do you think your parents would've said about me?” Isak asked, and his nervousness was so unbelievably cute._  

 

_Even pulled himself together, pretended to be an actor. Pretended he was happy even if he was screaming and crying in pain on the inside. “I think they’d love you!” he said, and kissed Isak one last time._

 

_Then he left._

 

 

——————————————————————————-

 

 

After another failed physical therapy session, Isak sat in the wheelchair by the window, waiting for his therapist, Patrick to come and get him for their daily talk. He had finally managed to learn his name.

 

He was staring out of the window, looking at the traffic outside. The cars driving by, the people on the street. A mother with her child. A couple holding hands. He found himself resenting them. They looked so happy and he hated them for it.

 

He heard someone entering the room and figured it was Patrick. He didn't care to turn around. Ever since their failed session, he had refused to speak. There was no reason for him to speak. He didn't want to get better. He didn't want to move on. He just wanted to get out of here and try again.

 

“Hey Isak.”

 

That was definitely not Patrick’s voice. It was Sonja’s. Isak turned his head and looked at her, his mouth open in surprise. “What-“ Behind her was Mikael.

 

“I’m sorry we haven't visited you before now. When we heard we kind of figured you needed some time…” Sonja said, walking closer, sitting down in a chair next to him.

 

Isak just looked at her for a minute, before looking out of the window again. “No amount of time will ever help.”

 

“I know.” Mikael said, and sat down in the chair next to Sonja, placing a hand on Isak’s leg, making the younger boy turn his head again to meet his. “I know how this feels. No, I never had that connection with Ingrid that you and Even had. But I know what it’s like, to get that pain you are feeling now. And I won’t give you that ‘It get’s better’-crap because it doesn’t. I never goes away. You will have it with you forever. If you're lucky it might lessen. But it will stay there, with you, with every heartbeat.” Mikael drew a shaky breath. “But do you want to know what made me keep moving, keep trying to get past it?”

 

Isak looked at this boy sitting in front of him. Even’s best friend. And he saw the same pain he felt, reflected in Mikael’s eyes. So Isak nodded, despite not knowing if he actually wanted to know this. He didn't want to move on so he didn't want to know how Mikael moved on. But he was nodding.

 

“It was Even. Even was there, by my side, telling me to hold on. Even told me this one thing, that struck me so hard I couldn't push it out of my head. He told me ‘Would Ingrid have wanted you to give up’. And I know it might be unfair to say this to you. To ask you the same. But it helped me. Not at first. At first I was so mad at him for guilt-tripping me like that. I was pissed I was furious. I was so so mad. But then, as my mind kept going over his words, I realised he was right. I had to at least give it a try, for her. I had to try and live my life, because that’s what she would have wanted. I didn't need to succeed, I just needed to try.”

 

“Even said that?” Isak couldn't help but ask. He knew Even had stayed with Mikael for two months after Ingrid died. He knew Even had helped him move on. But they never talked much about it. It had been between Even and Mikael and Isak didn't feel the need to pry.

 

“Yes. And now I am going to tell you the same thing, because I knew Even. I knew he would have wanted me to do this, no matter how much you will end up hating me.”

 

“Don’t.” Isak begged.

 

Mikael gave him a sympathetic look, but didn't stop speaking.   


 

  
  
“Would Even have wanted you to do this Isak?”  
  


 

  


Hot tears dripped down Isak’s cheeks, and he could feel the walls he had spent weeks building just crumble down. Sonja placed a hand on his other leg, and Isak looked down at it. Then he looked up at her, silently begging her for a hug. She got up on her feet and embraced him in a hug so tight he almost couldn't breathe. And he didn't care. He just started sobbing. He sobbed so hard he was shaking, and Sonja just held him. After a while Mikael joined in the hug. And then they were three broken people hugging, crying about the person they had lost. 

 

And Isak knew the answer to Mikael’s question. He had known the second the words left Mikael’s mouth.

 

Even wouldn't have wanted this. 

 

Even would have wanted him to live.

 

 

 

—————————————————————

 

_The next day he got a text from Isak, and his heart broke all over again when he read it._

 

 

_FROM ISAK TO EVEN_

_Hi. So I’ve cleaned the stairs for six hours and OD-day is killing me. What have you been up to today? It was nice seeing you yesterday, wanna hang?_

 

 

_With shaking hands and tears dripping down his cheeks, he typed out a message._

 

 

_FROM EVEN TO ISAK_

_Hi. It was nice seeing you as well. I don’t know, but things might have been moved along a little to quickly… I know it’s my fault, but I need time, sorry._

 

 

_Then he opened another conversation and typed out four words._

 

 

_FROM EVEN TO SONJA_

_Can you come over?_

 

 

_And for once, she didn't gloat when about being right when she came. She just crawled into bed with him and held him tight. It was nice. Comforting. Calming. It reminded him why he fell in love with her in the first place._

 

_Maybe he could love her again. Maybe._

 

 

 

_—-_

 

_She talked him into going to a party the next day. Said he needed to get out of his room and back to his life. It was at Emma’s house and Isak would not be there, because Emma was pissed at him. Sonja wouldn't tell him why._

 

_He was too emotionally tired to care. He just put on the clothes Sonja threw at him and got dressed._

 

_The party was too crowded, too loud, too exhausting. But he managed to get through it with a fake smile on his face. He talked to a few people, danced with Sonja, made out with her._

 

_She didn't make him feel anything, not like Isak did. But she was at least wiling to stay with him no matter what. And that made her his safe haven right now._

 

_——_

 

_It didn't take him long to realise his mistake. The day after the party, when he woke up to Sonja kissing his neck, he just knew this was never going to work out._

 

_She started touching him, and he forced himself to not pull away. His mind racing, trying to come up with a good excuse to get out of this situation._

 

_But in the end he didn't need too. They were in his bedroom, and his mother knocked on his door, asking if they wanted breakfast. He answered yes and got out of bed, finding his clothes._

 

_Sonja didn't seem to notice his slight panic, which was good._

 

_They ate pancakes with Even’s mother and then he followed her to the bus-stop. She had wanted to stay for a movie, but Even had excused himself with having to much homework to catch up on. Which was actually true, but he knew he wouldn't be able to concentrate on it._

 

_They walked in silence. He tried to figure out a way to say what he wanted._

 

_“Sonja?”_

 

_“Yes?”_

 

_“I-“ How was he going to say this? If he mentioned Isak again she would call him crazy. He couldn't do that. This was hard enough. Then he got an idea. “Thank you so much for these last few days.”_

 

_“No problem Even, I’m your girlfriend-“_

 

_“But we need to take a break.”_

 

_“What?”_

 

_“After what’s happened these last few days, I need some time on my own, to figure things out.”_

 

_“Why do we need to take a break for that Even? I’ll give you time if that’s what you need.”_

 

_“I can’t have that hanging over me, having to know you are waiting for me to figure things out. I need us to take a break, until I know what I want. I know you think this thing with Isak is a sign of me becoming manic again, and maybe you're right. Maybe you're wrong. But I have to figure this out alone.”_

 

_“Even-“_

 

_“And if it is mania, my mom and dad can handle it Sonja. You are not my guardian. You shouldn't think you have to be. I don’t want you to be. I care about you, I truly do. But right now I’m not in love with you anymore, and I need to figure out if my feelings are true or not. And I need to figure it out on my own.”_

 

_She fell silent for a while. The bus came but she didn't get on. Even stayed by her side, waiting for her to speak._

 

_“I know we have been drifting apart ever since you got your diagnosis. And I know I’m partly to blame for that. But I really care about you Even. The only reason for me hovering over you like I have is because I love you and care about you. And I’m sorry if that was wrong of me. I’ll give you space. And we can take a break. But Even?”_

 

_“Yeah?”_

 

_“I do love you. And if you figure out you still love me back, then come back to me please?”_

 

_“I- I’ll let you know when I figure it out. I promise.”_

 

_She smiled sadly at him, kissed his cheek and got onto the next bus. He walked home in silence, trying to figure out how to handle this._

 

_He decided to ask his mother to make an appointment with his therapist as soon as possible. To see if he needed to change his meds or if this was just normal teenager feelings he was experiencing._

 

_——_

 

_Of course if was normal teenager feeling, according to his therapist. He told her everything. About Isak, his lack of feelings for Sonja, about feeling so confused._

 

_And she told him it was all normal and that he was doing fine. But if he was feeling like he might loose control, she could switch his meds._

 

_So they did._

 

_And the first few days he stayed in bed, nauseous. By Thursday, he dragged himself back to school, only to figure out Isak hadn't been there all week._

 

_He tried finding him the next day, but he wasn't there then either._

 

_He considered calling the other boy, but he couldn't find the courage. And a text would just be wrong. So he decided to wait for an opportunity to speak to him, face to face._

 

_—-_

 

_On Monday, Isak was back. Even spotted him the minute he arrived at school. But there was so many people outside in the courtyard, so he couldn't just walk over to him and ask to speak to him. He knew Isak wasn't open about being gay. And he didn't want to make Isak’s life harder by outing him like that._

 

_So he waited until he had an opportunity to talk to Isak in private._

 

 

_——_

 

 

_“Halla.”_

 

 

_“Halla.”_

 

 

_“No cardamom?”_

 

 

_“Cardamom.”_

 

 

_“No, so…”_

 

 

_“But, uh…”_

 

 

_“I think I gotta go.”_

 

 

_——_

 

 

_Over a week passes by without them speaking again. Even goes to his psychiatrist a few times._

 

_“Why don’t you reach out to him?”_

 

_“I don’t think he want’s me to.”_

 

_“Why do you say that?”_

 

_“Because, there was something in his face that day when I met him in the cafeteria. He doesn't need unstable people in his life. He needs people he can trust, rely on.”_

 

_“Just because you are bipolar Even, doesn't mean you can’t be trusted.”_

 

_“But I’m unstable.”_

 

_“While that might be true, I think you should tell him. I think you should let him make the choice about whether he wants to have you in his life. From what I gather you really are in love with this boy Even. And if he loves you back, he will accept you.”_

 

_“I highly doubt that. He ran away from home because of a mentally ill mother. I’ve told you this before.”_

 

_“He was probably just scared, uncertain of how to cope with it. But love conquers all Even.”_

 

_“I don’t know.”_

 

_“Just reach out to him, Even. Try.”_

 

 

——————————————————————————-

 

 

 

“I’m willing to give this a try.”

 

“What changed your mind?”

 

“Wise words.”

 

“From who?”

 

“Even.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**_————---------------_ **

 

**_It’s awful being a grownup. But the carousel never stops turning. And you can’t get off._ **

**_// Grey’s Anatomy_ **

 


	7. Chapter 7

 

 

 

 

 

**_“It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.”_ **

 

**_// Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy_ **

 

**_———————_ **

 

 

 

“You’re allowed to feel pain Isak.”  
  
“I don’t want to.”  
  
“In order to heal, you have to let yourself feel the pain. You have to open up whatever place within yourself that you have buried it in, and you have to let it go. You have to let go of the hurt and pain and suffering, and the only way to do that is by talking about it, letting it out. At first it will consume you, and you will cry and scream and hurt. But it will fade. No, it won’t disappear. It will probably always be there. Your bond with Even was so strong, so powerful, you will never ever forget the feelings you had for him, good or bad. But you will be able to live with it. You just have to give it a chance.”  
  
Isak looked at his therapist. By now he had actually managed to learn his name, stop referring to him as the therapist, from spending too much time staring at his name tag instead of talking. And because he didn't want to look the man in the eye. Patrick. He was nice, a bit older than Isak but not too old. And he was undeniably good at this. Because Isak could feel himself starting to believe what Patrick was saying. It made sense to him. And he didn't want that. He didn't want to believe that he would ever be rid of this pain. Because he knew he wouldn’t. He knew it would always be present, always weighing him down. He would never ever forget Even and he would never love him any less and he would never stop feeling like this. Never.  
  
Patrick sensed what he was thinking and before Isak could protest again, he backtracked. “Let’s switch subjects for a while. Why don’t you tell me about your childhood?”  
  
“What does that have to do with anything?”  
  
“Everything, Isak. Everything from the moment you were born and to you now sitting in this chair in front of me, has made you who you are. You told me your love story a week ago. But you haven't told me your story. The story of Isak Valtersen.”  
  
“It’s honestly not that exciting. You will probably just be bored by it.”  
  
“Try me.”  
  
“Fine… I guess, when I was an infant things were okay? I don’t remember anything from when I was that young. And my parents never told me any stories, so… My first memories are from a family vacation. I think we were driving to Sweden? And mom and dad argued the entire way.”  
  
“Did they do that a lot when you were growing up?”  
  
“Well, yeah. In the beginning it was just small stuff. But then the arguments got louder and uglier and I remember hiding under the bed with Lea, my younger sister.”  
  
“How much younger is she?”  
  
“Three years.”  
  
“Are you on good terms with her?”  
  
“She and my dad moved out when I was sixteen, so I don’t really have a relationship with her to be honest. I moved out myself, and into an shared apartment, then I moved in with Even, we moved to California, and by then it had been so many years that when we met each other at dinners we didn't really have that kind of sibling-relationship anymore.”  
  
Patrick nodded and changed the subject. “So your parents started arguing after she was born?”  
  
“I guess? I don’t really know.”  
  
“Did your mother have any complications after giving birth to your sister?”  
  
“I don’t know. I was three. But my mother was ‘normal’ until I turned thirteen. She was a bit odd at times, but she functioned and had a job and took care of us. But then she started going insane. Now I know she wasn't actually insane, she was sick. But thirteen-year old me didn’t think of it like that. All I saw was a crazy mother who made my life hell and a father who stayed later and later at work, some nights he didn't even come home to us. It was just me, Lea and mom. And then, one day, during my first year at high school he decided to leave. And that’s when mom really became ill. So badly I didn't even know what to do. My dad took Lea with him when he moved. But he left me behind to deal with mom.”  
  
“He left the responsibility to you, a sixteen year old?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
Patrick had been taking notes while he had spoken. He did that a lot, but today he wrote down more than usual. “Continue.”  
  
“Well, I coped for a few months. But then it just got unbearable. I couldn't take it anymore. I had to get out. So one night I just left the house and started walking around downtown. Ended up in a gay-bar at two am. And by luck or fate or something like that, I met Eskild. He was living in the shared apartment building I ended up living in later. He took care of me and let me crash in their basement for a few weeks. Then, when one of his flatmates, Noora, moved to London with her boyfriend, I moved into her old room, and I stayed there for a year or so. I only moved out because Even wanted me to move in with him, he wanted to move out from his parents house. Then, when we graduated I was moving to California with Even. And when we came back, with plans to get married, it seemed more reasonable to get a more permanent place of our own. We bought an apartment.”  
  
“Do you miss living in the shared apartment?”  
  
“No. I mean, I liked it there. It was safe and I knew there was someone there who would take care of me and help me if anything happened. In a way it felt more like a home to me than my parents house ever did. But as long as I was with Even, he was my home. He took care of me and helped me. It didn't matter where I was, because he was my home, and as long as I was with him, everything was okay.”  
  
“You said you bought an apartment with Even, are you going back there when you leave the hospital?”  
  
“No. I made his mother sell it for me. I can’t ever go back there.”  
  
“So where are you going when you get out of here?”  
  
“I don’t know.”  
  
“Isak. You need to have a plan.”  
  
“My plan is to die!”  
  
“Why?”  
  
“Because I don’t wanna live. We have been talking about the same stuff for weeks Patrick. I’m tired of this. Can we please just stop?” He wanted to leave. But he would need help to get over to the wheelchair, and by the look on Patrick’s face, that wasn't going to happen any time soon.  
  
“No. We can’t.”  
  
“Why? Do you really think talking will make this pain go away? You think that talking about my feelings for Even will make the pain lessen and the guilt wash away and the hurt disappear?”  
  
“Why do you mention guilt Isak?”  
  
“Because I failed him.”  
  
“How did you fail him? Because from what I gather after all our talks, you did everything for Even. You took care of him, made him feel like a person and not just a disease, you loved him with every piece of your soul. You sacrificed so much for him. So why do you feel like you failed him? There wasn't anything you could have done to change the outcome of his accident. Accidents happens. Life happens. You can never predict the future, what happens around next corner. Life moves, whether you like it or not.”  
  
“I- I just failed him, okay?” Isak really didn't want to say the words out loud. He could feel the walls he had built around himself crumbling down. The pain that had been present but manageable was now hitting him with the force of a tsunami again. He couldn't breathe, he couldn't think. All the emotions he had been trying to force away was hitting him in the face with a spiked baseball-bat.   
  
“What did you do Isak? What are you holding back? What’s making you feel this guilt?” Patrick pressed on. He was at the edge of his seat, leaning closer to Isak, forcing him to look him in the eye. “Say it. Say it out loud. Say it.”  
  
“I DIDN’T TELL HIM I LOVED HIM!” Isak blurted out, voiced raised high, almost screaming, and tears started flowing from his eyes. “The last time w-we spo-oke. I-I didn’t t-tell him I l-loved him.” he sobbed, and once the words escaped him, the pain he had been pushing away for the past months consumed him again and he couldn't stop crying, sobbing. He sobbed so hard he couldn't breathe. His chest screamed in pain, his heart felt like it was exploding with grief.  
  
And Patrick calmly got up from his chair, walked over to him, and wrapped him up in a hug. Patted his back slowly and started talking to him. At first Isak couldn't hear what he was saying, he pain and the sobbing and the memories and grief and emotions taking control. But after a while he started hearing Patrick’s voice faintly. “Breathe.” “You can do it.” “It’s okay, let it out.”  
  
And after what felt like forever, the sobbing died down, and he regained his breath and the room went silent. Patrick moved away again, got back in his chair, but leaned forwards and put a hand on Isak’s own.   
  
“You didn't do anything wrong Isak. Even knew you loved him, even if you didn't say it that last time you spoke.”  
  
“We argued. I was mad at him because of that stupid vacation we were going on.”  
  
“At the time you probably didn't think the vacation was stupid?”  
  
Isak squirmed in his seat. “No. I really looked forwards to spending two weeks at the beach with my husband.”  
  
“And Even knew that. He knew you were angry because you loved him and wanted to be with him.”  
  
“How can you be so sure of that?”  
  
“After everything you have told me about your life together? He definitely knew you loved him.”  
  
“You think so?” Isak hated how hopeful his voice sounded right now. He didn't want to have hope. He didn't want to get better. He wanted to die.  
  
“I really do.” Patrick smiled at him.  
  
And Isak couldn't help it. He smiled back.  
  
  
————————————————  


__  
In the end, he couldn't find the courage to speak to Isak. He draw him a couple of drawings instead, and put one in Isak’s pocket when the younger boy had gym, the other in his locker.  
  
He pulled up their text-conversation on his phone every ten minutes or so during the day, debating to send the other a text. He always backed out. Buried himself deep beneath his covers and slept from he came home from school and until he had to get up and go back there.   
  
When Isak sent him a text on Friday, his hand were shaking when he opened it. He was already on his way over to the younger boy’s apartment, finally mustering up the courage to speak to him. He drew a shaky breath, and opened it.  
  
  
  
FROM ISAK TO EVEN  
Hey. Thanks for the drawing, but if you're not interested in something more you can back off. Call me if you ever break up with your girlfriend.  


__  
  
The irony of this situation did not escape him the least. He quickly typed out a reply.  
  
  
  
FROM EVEN TO ISAK  
What are you doing right now? Can we talk?  
  


__  
A few minutes later a reply came. It was only two words, but they made Even smile brightly. He was almost at the door.  
  
After pushing the doorbell, he started questioning his decision again. It took such a long time for Isak to respond. But then he did. And Isak opened the door.  
  
And everything fell into place.  
  


_“Halla.”_

 

_“Halla.”_

 

 

_—_

__  
Even woke up early the next morning. He spent an hour looking at Isak sleeping and sending his mother a text, looking through his phone a bit, but then he got bored. He found some clothes in Isak’s closet, pulled them on and went out into the kitchen, finding Noora and Eskild there. They chatted for a bit, and Even borrowed their house-keys so he could run out and get some food.  
  
When he got back they kept him company while he cooked.   
  
After a while Isak joined them, looking confused. Noora made a silly excuse to get Eskild to leave the room, and then it was just him and Isak.

 

_“Hey, I didn’t know what you liked, so I just… I made everything. What movie?” Even smiled._

 

_“Movie?” Isak looked clueless, so Even decided to spare that subject for another time. He could educate Isak in movies later. Now they needed to eat._

 

_“Taste this.” Even said, holding up a spatula with scrambled eggs on. Isak did as he asked, and Even smiled. “Tastes good?” Isak nodded. “The secret ingredient is a tablespoon sour cream.” Even turned around, continued cooking._

 

_“When I woke up, I thought you had left.” Isak’s words felt like a dagger to his chest._

 

_“Oh you! I was just here making breakfast. Chatting with your friends.” He tried to pretend everything was fine. But of course things weren't fine. They still needed to talk. And he needed to tell Isak about being bipolar. But not right now._

 

_“Does Sonja know where you are?” Isak sounded unsure._

 

_“Fuck Sonja - we’re not together anymore.” Even said, annoyed. He was so done with Sonja right now, still mad at the girl for what she had said their last conversation. And basically every conversation this past year._

 

_“But I mean, the last time you said it was over between the two of you, you were still making out two days later…” Isak said softly. “It’s not that easy for me to just give a fuck about Sonja.” He was obviously very uncomfortable right now. And in need of an explanation Even couldn't give him yet._

 

_“What you need to understand about Sonja is that she has this... control over me. Sometimes I feel like she knows me better than I know myself. Because everything she says is true… And, well, I’m sick of it. I feel like… She can’t feel what I feel, or think, for that matter. Agreed?” Even tried to explain without really telling Isak the reason why he had stayed with Sonja for so long. He knew he had to tell him soon. But he also knew that the minute he told Isak about being mentally ill, there was a high risk of being showed out of Isak’s life permanently. So he wanted to wait a little while longer._

 

_“Only you can feel what you feel.” Isak said, nodding._

 

_Even walked over to Isak, leaning in so that their foreheads touched. “I haven’t felt anything… like this… ever.” Even admitted. And it was true._

 

_When Isak said “Me neither”, Even’s heart jumped. They started kissing and the moment was becoming a little too intense and he had to find a way to cool it down a little._  
  
Then a song he liked started playing on the radio, and he smirked at Isak. “This song though?” 

 

_“Huh?”_

 

_“Gabrielle.” Even smiled_

 

_“Are you kidding me?”_

 

_“No.”_

 

_“Oh my god, this is a fucking hashtag. Wtf?” Isak was laughing._

 

_“What?”_

 

_“When you've found the man of your life, and it turns out he listens to Gabrielle”_

 

_“Am I! the man of your life? Or?” Even turned around, pretending to look behind himself to see if there was anyone else there. “Are you talking about me?” He laughed._

 

_“That’s how the hashtag goes! You know that!” Isak protested, rolling his eyes._

 

_“But you said I was the man of your life!” Even smiled at him, and kissed him quickly._

 

_“Say it again.”_

 

_“Hmm.”_

 

_“Say it again”._

 

_“You’re the man of my life”._  
  
They kissed, Even started dancing. He couldn't remember the last time he had been this happy on a Saturday morning. Or, in years, actually. He felt really really good. 

 

_“It’s shit.”_

 

_“You can dance!”_

 

_“No.”_

 

_“You make me fired up…”_  
  
And a small voice in the back of his mind told him this was a warning sign, being so happy. But wasn't he allowed happiness without it being a symptom of something bad? So Even pushed it away and ignored it. Things were fine. Actually, they were more than fine. Things were great. 

  
  
————————————————————-  
  
  
Later that evening Jonas came by again. He had been there this morning for the physical therapy, but left when Isak was going to talk to Patrick. So when he walked through Isak’s door, Isak was surprised.  
  
“What are you doing here?” he asked his best friend and put down the book he had been reading. It was one of Even’s favourites, Lisa had brought it for him.  
  
“Patrick called me.” Jonas answered as he sat down. “He said you could probably need a friend right now. Don’t worry, he didn't tell me anything about what you guys talked about, he just said he thought you could use a friend tonight.” he added quickly when he could see Isak start to panic.   
  
Isak didn't know what to say. Could he say it again? Could he tell Jonas what he had just told Patrick? He had always been able to talk to Jonas about everything. Jonas was his rock when growing up, the person he could come to for everything. But he couldn't say it again, not while looking Jonas in the eye. He was too scared of his reaction, however stupid that might sound.  
  
“Could we go outside for a bit?” Isak asked.  
  
Jonas’ brows shot up in confusion. “Are you allowed to go outside?”  
  
“Well, you have to take me in a wheelchair seeing as I can’t walk further than three metres with help, and I wasn't talking about going for a hike in the woods, just right outside the hospital. I haven't been outside since I got admitted here.”  
  
“Okay.”  
  
“Okay?”  
  
“Okay.”  
  
-  
  
As soon as the fresh spring air hit his face, Isak actually felt better. He hated admitting it, but for a few seconds, he felt like things weren't as bad. But then he remembered that he had to tell Jonas the truth, and then the feelings came back. The darkness, the hurt, the guilt.  
  
They stopped by a bench out back, in the middle of a small courtyard. It was starting to get dark outside. The sunset was beautiful. Jonas sat down on the bench after placing the wheelchair next to it. He didn't say anything, didn't ask Isak to tell him. Isak appreciated it. He needed to do this on his own terms this time, unlike earlier today when Patrick had forced it out of him.  
  
But then again, would he ever have told the other man if he hadn't been forced? Unlikely.  
  
He threw a quick glance at his best friend, finding him looking at the sky as well. He looked down at his feet, and the grass. A memory of him and Even, laying on their backs in the grass and watching the sunset sprung to mind. It was a happy memory, but right now it only made him sad.  
  
“I didn’t tell him I loved him.”  
  
“What?” Jonas had obviously been startled by him suddenly speaking.  
  
“The last time I spoke with him. On the phone. When he was on his way home from Bergen. I didn't tell him I loved him. I was angry at him. My last words to him was ‘I don’t think so Even’, and then I just hung up.”  
  
“Isak-“  
  
“And I can't stop feeling like this. I can’t breathe, I can’t- I can’t Jonas, I can’t b-breathe!” he was crying again. Not sobbing this time. Just crying, hot tears falling from his eyes.  
  
“Just let it out Isak. Let it all out.”  
  
And Isak did. He stood up on shaky legs and he started screaming. He screamed with ever cell in his body, with every piece of his soul. He felt Jonas’ arms wrap around him, hold him tight. And he screamed and screamed, falling down when his legs couldn't carry him anymore. He continued screaming until he couldn't scream anymore, because he didn't have any more strength in him to do so.  
  
He just sat there like a broken doll, letting Jonas hold him, while the silent, heavy tears fell from his eyes.  
  
And to his surprise, the pain in his chest lessened. Not a lot. Not enough to make him want to live. But as Jonas wheeled him back inside and helped him into bed again, he felt slightly better than he had done this morning.   
  
Jonas didn't leave him that night. He just crawled into bed with him. He just laid next to Isak, holding him tightly in his arms. And Isak just let him, melted into his embrace, and felt himself drifting away into a dreamless sleep. The last thing he remembered before falling asleep was Jonas’ soothing voice in his ear.   
  
“He knew Isak. He knew.”  


 

 

—————————————————————-  
  
_They spent every available moment together. Even slept at Isak’s place until Wednesday, they went to school together, had classes and went back home together. When he went back home he hated it immediately, especially with his mother nagging him about medicines and schedules and was he feeling okay? He just wanted to be happy and enjoy life._

 

_When Isak introduced him to his friends on Thursday, Even was so proud of his boyfriend. And his friends were really cool too, they seemed to accept Even right away._  
  
When they left and Isak’s phone rang, Even watched his boyfriend answer, and then confusion spread across his face.  


_“It’s Sonja?” Isak said._  
  
Even quickly grabbed the phone from his hand. “Don’t fucking call Isak.” he said, not giving Sonja a chance to answer before hanging up. Fuck, his parents must have called her to check up on him. And since he refused to answer her texts or calls (he had actually blocker her number), she now called Isak? Bitch. 

 

_“What? Why did you do that?” Isak asked in confusion._

 

_“Don’t talk to her.” Even simply replied._

 

_“Why? What does she want?” Isak kept pressing for a better answer. And Even didn't have one, at least not now. He had an appointment on Monday, with his therapist. He was going to figure out how to tell Isak then, he just needed some help to find the right words._

 

_“She want’s to control you.” he settled for._

 

_“Control me? How would she control me?” Isak wasn't buying it. Crap._

 

_“Because she… Doesn't like people who live freely and are real.” Even tried to talk his way out of it. He could see in Isak’s eyes that this was not working, so he settled for a surprise kiss and then walked away before his boyfriend could question him more. “You’re so fucking hot Isak!” he yelled over his shoulder as he walked down the stairs. It seemed to throw Isak off balance and make him forget about Sonja for now. Score._

 

 

 

 

 

_——_

 

_They were going to meet at KB. He was a little late, having missed the first tram. But Isak didn't look upset when he arrived so he decided it didn't matter._

 

_“Halla.”_

 

_“Halla”_

 

_“Are you keen on going back to my place?” Isak asked._

 

_But Even had an idea during lunch-break, and had made reservations with his phone and credit card. “No, I’m not keen on that.” he laughed._

 

_“Okay? What are you keen on doing then?” Isak seemed unsure, but okay with doing something else._

 

_“I am… Keen on checking in… To a fucking suite!” Even smiled at his boyfriend._

 

_“A suite?”_

 

_“Yeah?” Even replied, before walking away, expecting Isak to just follow._

 

_And he did, but not before yelling “Why’d you always walk like that?” after him first._

 

  
———————————————-

 

  
  
When he woke up the next morning, feeling Jonas still laying next to him, he had made up his mind. It wasn't one single moment making him chose to do this, but several events put together. A mixture of everything that had happened the past months. But perhaps, the thing that affected him most, was what Mikael had said. The words that had started breaking his resolve.  
  
“Jonas?”  
  
“Yeah?”   
  
“I’ll do it. I’ll go on the tour. I’ll give you a chance to change my mind. I’ll give you the three months.”  
  
“Thank you.” Jonas’ voice was breaking, full of emotion, and Isak couldn't decide if it was happiness or sadness or a mixture of both.   
  
It didn't really matter.  
  
All that mattered was that he actually felt slightly better. The world wasn't as dark. The pain wasn't as strong. He could breathe a little easier. He could hear the birds sing outside.  
  
And he could give life a chance. But he was pretty sure he wouldn't change his mind. Because a life without Even wasn't a life worth living.

 

 

 

 

 

————-

 

 

**_What do you do when a chapter ends?_ **

**_Do you close the book and never read it again?_ **

****_Where do you go when your story's done?  
  
// Steve Aoki - Just Hold On_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The screaming scene with Isak and Jonas is inspired by a scene from the movie 'Never Let Me Go'.
> 
> For those interested, the scene can be found here: 
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pf3fNlmfans


	8. Chapter 8

 

 

 

 

 

**_They say love is a journey, I promise that I’ll never leave._ **

**_When it’s too heavy to carry, remember this moment with me._ **

**_I get to love you, I get to love you,_ **

**_I get to love you.  
  
\- I Get To Love You, Ruelle_ **

 

**_——————————————_ **

 

  


 

 

  
“Every couple has a song. What’s yours?”   
  
“You’ll think it’s cheesy.”  
  
“Try me.”  
  
“Well, at first we were thinking that it just had to be ‘I’m kissing you’ by Des’ree.”  
  
“Ah, Romeo and Juliet.”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“Does it hold some special meaning for you?”  
  
“Well, Even loved the director who made the movie. Baz Luhrmann. He made the version with Leonardo DiCaprio. And we watched the movie countless of times. And listened to that song, sent each other the lyrics. Even was a hopeless romantic and while I used to pretend I didn't love it, I really did love it. But the day he proposed to me he had made reservations at this fancy restaurant and they were playing this incredibly romantic song Even had heard on one of his favourite tv-shows and the moment was so unbelievably perfect. And I dunno, it was kind of a mutual agreement that it would be our wedding-song after that. And you know, from that moment it was just our song. We started playing it to each other if we argued, sent each other the lyrics all the time, slow danced to it at our wedding.”  
  
“What song was it?”  
  
“‘I Get To Love You’, by Ruelle. I haven't listened to it since… since he passed. I can’t bring my self to listen to it, because I feel like it will ruin the good memories associated with that song. Like our wedding.”  
  
“How was your wedding? Describe it to me.”  
  
“Big. I wanted a small wedding, but Even wanted a big one. And we actually agreed on something in the middle. But then we started writing invitations to all our friends and coworkers and family and suddenly we had like 200 people on the list. And we sat down and tried to figure out who we could take off the list, but we gave up. I realised that I didn't care about the size of the wedding. I just wanted to marry the man of my dreams, and I wanted all my family and friends there.”  
  
“Where did you get married?”  
  
“A church. The same one Even got baptised in. And buried in. We discusses it a million times. I don’t believe in God. Neither does… did… Even. But my mother is very ill, like I’ve told you previously. And the only thing she has to hold on to is her belief in God. So it was more for her sake than anything else that we got married in a Church. Also, it was very pretty.” he laughed a little at that. “We had the whole thing covered in white roses. Even loved the damn things. And the ceremony was at this great venue, equally beautifully decorated and we danced to all the cliche songs. Every sweet iconic love song ever made. And our friends and family had written these amazing speeches. Even my dad spoke. Why all the questions about this?”  
  
“It’s a test. Go with it.”  
  
“Fine.”  
  
“When did you and Even get married?”  
  
“Right after we came home from California.”  
  
“Yes. You said you followed him there. Why did you follow him there?”  
  
“I wanted to be with him.”  
  
“But you didn't know what you wanted to be, to study. You just chose the same school as Even to be with him?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“Why didn't you spend some time to figure out what you wanted in life instead of just following him blindly?”  
  
“Why are you questioning decisions made nearly ten years ago?”  
  
“It’s my job to pry down into your subconsciousness, finding things that might trigger you and making sure you have a coping method.”  
  
“Fine. I chose to go with Even because the only thing I knew for certain was that I was in love with him. And I knew that we might not last anyway, but at the time I also knew I needed to follow my heart. And my heart told me to stay with Even. And he had his heart set on that school. So I found out what they offered, which programs they had. And I figured, I really liked singing, didn't fancy dancing that much but I was interested in learning about acting. And with Even’s help I sent an application and to my surprise I got accepted.”  
  
“Did you like it there?”  
  
“I loved it. I actually learned to dance. And better yet, I learned to like it. And I became a pretty decent actor. Not a great one. I only played in a few movies. Nothing major. But what I really loved was singing. Which is why we ended up starting a band when I came back to Norway.”  
  
“How did Even feel about you choosing music over the film industry? You’ve previously mentioned that you played in a few of his movies.”  
  
“He supported me every step of the way, just like I supported him. Whenever I went on tour, if he wasn't filming a movie, he would join me. And vice-versa.”  
  
“So things were good between you?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“But you were fighting the night of his death?”  
  
“Yeah… We never really argued. He just had a habit of diving too deep into his work and forgetting everything around him. And this one time I had asked him to not go, because we were going on a vacation and I really wanted to spend time with him. But he was so passionate about his work that nothing could hold him back. And I should have known better than to be pissed at him for it. I wish I had just cancelled the vacation and gone with him instead. But I can’t change that now.”  
  
“He knew you loved him, Isak.”  
  
“I know. I’m starting to believe in it. It’s just hard.”  
  
“I know.” Patrick smiled weakly, then switched subjects. “You never told me how you ended up getting along with your parents again.”  
  
“It was mostly thanks to Even and his family. Even taught me to not judge. And after dating for a while we started talking one night, about my mother and my family and everything that happened. And Even, being two years older and having lived with a mental disease of his own, had some insights. He told me I should give it another try. To try and accept my mother like I had accepted him. And then, one night after a few too many glasses of wine at his parents house, I told them about my family too. And they wanted to help me. So Even’s father reached out to my father and we all sat down and talked it out. My father promised to do better. Like I said earlier, I didn't move back in, but I started going over there for dinner. And he took care of mom. Or, tried to. After a while he realised he needed help, and we both agreed to find her an institution, where professionals could care for her during the worst periods. But I kept going to dinner at my dad’s place. And visit my mother. And things fell in to a rhythm. Most days Even came with me. The only days he didn't were the days he was ill or had to be somewhere else. And I learned to love my parents again. And they supported me. And they still probably do.”  
  
“But you don’t want to see them? I heard you refuse to let them visit you.”  
  
“You have been nagging me about getting better for months. And my troubled family doesn't help me along. It’s hard enough to get better when you don’t really want to. Having to keep myself together for my mother’s sake won’t help.”  
  
“So you’ve decided to give living a chance.”  
  
“I didn't say that.”  
  
“You kind of did.”  
  
“Fine. I told Jonas I’ll agree to his plan.”  
  
“Which is?”  
  
“When I get out of this place tomorrow, we’re leaving for a tour with our band. When we come home, if I still feel the same, he promised to not stand in my way.”  
  
“Do you think you will change your mind?”  
  
“Not really. But I promised him I’ll try.”  
  
“Good. I think you're ready to leave Isak.”  
  
“I just told you that I still don’t want to live.”  
  
“You also told me you were going to give living a try. And that is more than anyone could ever ask of you, considering the situation.”  
  
Isak looked at Patrick. Really looked at him. This man had dragged him back from the edge. No, he still wasn't sure if he wanted to live. But he didn't feel like he had when he first woke up. He still felt the pain, but it wasn't as strong. He could manage it, for the most part. He wasn't waking up screaming in pain from nightmares anymore. He didn't feel like he was dying on the inside. And this man had helped him through it all.  
  
“Thank you.” He whispered.  
  
“What for?” Patrick smiled at him.  
  
“Saving my life.”  
  
“All I’ve done is talk to you.”  
  
“You’ve done so much more than that.”  
  
“Well, I’m glad to hear it Isak. I really am. And I want us to keep talking. Now, I know you're going on tour, so I’ll give you my phone number, and we’ll talk on the phone, okay?”  
  
“Okay.”  
  
“Are you going to be okay Isak?”  
  
He thought about if for a while. Was he going to be okay? He thought about all that had happened. What laid ahead of him. He had fought through months of physical therapy. It had been painful, every step in therapy had made him cry in pain. Every nerve in his body on fire. Step by step getting stronger, his muscles regaining their strength. He had screamed and cried and told Patrick all of his deepest fears, secrets and precious memories. They had talked about Isak’s life back and forwards. About his time before Even, with Even, and now without Even. About how was going to cope. His promise to Jonas. One session Jonas had joined them, so he could get some insight in how to help Isak through this.  
  
“I’m not there yet. But I think that I might possibly get there one day.”

 

 

 

——————————————————————————-

 

_After that, everything went blank in Even’s mind. The next thing he knew, he woke up in a hospital. His mother was sitting by his side, holding his hand. His father and Sonja sitting over by the window.  
  
He had fucked up. Big time. He couldn't remember anything from the moment he met up with Isak outside that cafe. Only bits and pieces. He remembered they had sex. And he remembered eating food. Not being able to sleep. And walking out the door naked, wanting mcdonalds.  
  
And then he woke up here.  
  
“Even?” his mother said. He looked at her.  
  
“Mom… I’m sorry.”  
  
“Shush. No need to be sorry. It’s going to be fine baby.”  
  
Suddenly Sonja was grabbing his other hand, smiling at him. He pulled his hand away.   
  
“Even-“  
  
“Leave. Please.”  
  
“Even, what-“  
  
“Sonja, can you please just leave?” Even hissed at her.  
  
His mother looked at Sonja. “Maybe you should leave dear. I’ll call you later.” he knew his mother didn't especially like Sonja very much. She just accepted her.   
  
Sonja didn't protest again, she just looked sad, and then she left.  
  
“Mom?”  
  
“Yes dear?”  
  
“Can we go home?”  
  
“Sure.”  
  
—-  
  
When he came home and managed to charge his phone, he found it empty. No missed calls or texts. It was both a blessing and painful. No-one hated him for messing up this time, but Isak hadn't tried to contact him, which meant he probably knew. Or he was mad at Even for leaving. Or maybe he actually hated him.   
  
He tried to find the words to write, but the screen mocked him. He couldn't find the words to explain this. He just stared blankly at the screen.   
  
Then he got an idea.   
  
Song lyrics._

 

_The response came pretty much right away, so Isak had probably been on his phone when Even sent the texts.  
  
  
With shaky hands he opened the message, and when he read the words, his heart stopped.  
_

 

 

 

_FROM ISAK TO EVEN_

 

_Hey Even. I don’t understand shit right now. Stop messaging me.  
  
_

 

_  
Isak didn't want anything more to with him. Just like everyone else in his life. He was alone. He would be alone forever. And he knew he couldn't do this alone.  
  
He curled up on his bed, crying. He didn't want to live anymore.  
  
He knew it was his depression making him think like this. But he also knew that whenever he would come out of the depression, he would still feel like this. Like a failure. Worthless. Unloveable. Crazy.  
  
He could hear his mother leaving the house, probably to go out and buy groceries for dinner. She wouldn't be gone long. But maybe she would be gone long enough? His father wasn't home, he was with his sister, probably going to the movies or something like that.  
  
He was alone. For a little while, he was home alone.  
  
He slowly got out of the bed. Walked out of his room. The house was empty.   
  
He walked into the bathroom. Closed the door behind him. They didn't have a lock on the bathroom door. It was because of him. Because he had tried so many times to kill himself.   
  
Different ways too.  
  
And they always managed to stop him.  
  
So he knew he had to be quick. He searched through the drawers. Nothing. Walked over to the shower. Bingo. His sister had forgotten to throw out her razor.  
  
He grabbed it, broke the plastic and took the metal blade in hand. Pressed it against his arm, drew a sharp breath. Started dragging the blade against the skin.   
  
He heard the front door open and close. His mother call out his name. And he dropped the blade, sank to the floor. He had cut deep, but not deep enough. The blood was flowing down his arm, but not fast enough.  
  
He was getting dizzy. He heard the bathroom door open. His mother scream. Then she was on the phone. Trying to wrap something around his wrist.  
  
The last thing he remembered was an unknown male voice telling him to stay awake.  
  
And then everything was dark.  
  
-  
  
He woke up in the hospital. His mother was by his side. His father in a chair over by the window. He looked at them both. They were sleeping. It was dark outside. He looked down at his arms. He was strapped to the bed. No surprise there.  
  
He felt his eyes dropping again. He fought it for a while. He had failed. Again. Why couldn't he ever succeed?  
  
He drifted off to sleep again.  
  
—  
  
He ended up spending an entire week in the hospital. They adjusted his meds again. He talked with his therapist for hours, and she made him realise that it would be fine. He could do this. It was just the combination of depression and the drugs, weighing him down.   
  
And as the week processed, he realised that she was right.  
  
He was bipolar.  
  
He was depressed.  
  
He wasn't alone.  
  
He had his family, he had friends.  
  
Mikael and Sonja came to visit him at the hospital. His mother had probably called them.  
  
Even hadn't talked to Mikael since Elvebakken and the whole incident, but when he tried to apologise about it, Mikael waved it away with a ‘water under the bridge bro’ comment and then proceeded to hug him.  
  
Sonja told him about the night he had gone manic and apologised for what she had said to Isak.  
  
He then understood why Isak had sent him that text. He also knew he owed Isak an explanation. He just didn't know how to do it, when. He knew he couldn't handle Isak rejecting him right now. He was hurting, he was in pain.   
  
He needed more time.  
  
_

—————————————————————-  


 

The next morning his doctor signed the release papers as Jonas started packing his bags for him. Magnus and Mahdi came as well. They would get picked up by the tourbus at the hospital and tomorrow they would play their first show, in Stockholm.   
  
Isak was far from ready for that. He hadn't sung a single note since Even’s funeral. He wasn't even sure he could sing anymore. But the boys refused to listen to him. They said he would be fine, that he could do this. He wanted to try, because of the promise he made Jonas. But he wasn't sure he could pull this off.  
  
“So, you have to be careful for a few more weeks Isak. I know you are going on a tour, but no jumping or running or heavy lifting. Your spine is still healing. Remember to exercise, every day.”  
  
“I know.”  
  
“And you have to check in with Patrick every couple of days.”  
  
“I know.”  
  
“And-“  
  
“I know!” He laughed.   
  
“We’ll take care of him doctor. We promise.” Mahdi smiled, patting Isak’s shoulder.  
  
“Yes. We will.” Jonas chimed in.  
  
Isak smiled at them. It was a weak smile. It didn't reach his eyes, he knew it. But he was trying. And like Patrick had told him the previous day; that was all anyone could possibly ask him in the situation he was in.  
  
They walked out of the hospital together, the four of them. Isak walked between Magnus and Jonas, Mahdi carried his bag. Suddenly he felt a hand grab his. He looked at Magnus, wondering why the other boy had grabbed his hand. Before he got a chance to ask, Magnus begun speaking.  
  
“I know how hard this is for you Isak. I mean, I don’t actually know but I am pretty sure I have a feeling. And I just wanted you to know that no matter what, we’re here for you. No matter what you need. A hug, a shoulder to cry on, someone to talk to. I’m here for you bro. We all are. And I know this is probably the hardest thing you will ever have to do, and I’m so proud of you for trying. I know I wouldn't ever have been strong enough. I just… I wanted you to know I love you, okay? Not in a romantic way, but-“  
  
“I love you too Mags.” Isak smiled and squeezed Magnus’ hand.   
  
The blond haired boy smiled broadly at him, then flung his arms around his neck and hugged him tight. Isak let him, and hugged him back.  
  
The other boys hugged Isak in turn, and then they all walked outside the hospital together.  
  
Isak hadn't been outside since that night with Jonas. He stopped the second they reached the outside and took a deep breath. Looked at their tourbus, who had their band’s logo painted on it. Even had helped them design it. There were reminders of Even everywhere in his life. In everything. His clothes, his songs, his computer- everything. Everywhere.  
  
“Isak? You coming?” Jonas asked him, putting a hand on his shoulder.   
  
Isak looked from the logo to his best friend. Could he do this?  
  
He chewed on his lip. He had promised he would try.  
  
So he would try. “Yes. Coming.” And then he walked over to the bus, and followed Magnus inside.  
  
  
-

 

The bus ride in it self wasn't so bad. Isak actually liked traveling with the bus. It was just that everywhere he looked, he could see reminders of Even. All the tours Even had joined them on. He looked at the eating area and a memory of them discussing traveling plans came to mind. He looked over at a couch and a memory of them making out while the others were upstairs and jamming filled him.   
  
There were so many good memories here. He tried to hold on to the feeling of good. But all he felt was sad. Sad because they would never happen again. All he had left of Even now was memories. And it made him want to scream and run and tear his heart out of his chest.  
  
“Isak? You okay?” Mahdi asked him, plopping down on the seat next to him.  
  
“No. Not really.” Isak admitted. He hated talking about how he felt, with anyone. He even had troubles doing it with Even. But he knew that the only way he would make it through this was with the help of his friends. And he had promised everyone that he would try. He still didn't want to live. But he had promised to try. Mostly because of what Jonas had said that day. About what Even would have wanted. About Even wanting him to live. He knew it was true. He knew Jonas was probably right. But he also knew Even would forgive him, if he ended up choosing not to live. Because if the roles were reversed and Even was the one left behind, he would have forgiven him for not coping too.   
  
“Want to talk about it?” Jonas asked carefully.  
  
Isak shook his head. “I just need a distraction because this whole bus is reminding me of… you know. So just, distract me. Please.”  
  
Jonas nodded and got up, walked upstairs to the sleeping area, and returned a minute later with two guitars. He handed one to Magnus and sat back down. “Let’s jam.”  
  
Isak didn't participate the first hour or so. And the boys didn't nag him about it. They just played, sometimes Jonas and Mahdi sung a little.  
  
Jonas started playing one of their acoustic songs, and as he struck the first chords, Isak locked eyes with his best friend. He looked into those deep green eyes, and could see what Jonas tried to tell him. ‘Sing. Come on, you can do it’. And so he did.  


“Would I fight with an angel

Would I leave here with you

Or would I take it all back if

If I find something new?

 

I know there's something out there

I know there's something I fear

Run away from here

I know there's something more to this

In this dark room, nothing that shines

Run away from here” 

 

As with everything else, this song made him think of Even. But life was going to be like that. Everything would remind him of what he had lost. It was going to hurt, every minute of every day for the rest of his life. No matter how long that was going to be. And he had made peace with that. But right now it was really ripping at his heart.   
  
On the positive note, he still had his voice. He could still carry a tune more than well. The other boys were grinning like crazy, and when they finished playing they applauded him.  
  
Isak started crying.  
  
“Isak, what-“ Jonas started asking, but Isak interrupted him.  
  
“It hurts. It fucking hurts. Everything reminds me of him.”  
  
“Isak…” Magnus said, and pulled him into a hug. Isak accepted it, and cried into his friend’s shoulder.  
  
“I can’t do this guys. I can’t. It hurts so badly I can’t breathe. I can’t.” Isak sobbed.  
  
Jonas looked like he was going to say something, but instead he exchanged looks with the other two, and started playing again, softly, singing himself.

  
“I break down, fear is sinking in

The cold comes, racing through my skin

Searching for a way to get to you

Through the storm you…”

 

 

Mahdi and Magnus chimed in, Magnus holding Isak tightly.  


“Go, giving up your home

Go, leaving all you've known

You are not alone

 

With arms up stretched into the sky

With eyes like echos in the night

Hiding from the hell that you've been through

Silent one, you…"  
  
  
And slowly he managed to breathe again. The pain faded a little. And the sobs stopped. The tears dried. And he just listened to his friends sing, eyes closed.  
  
They were there for him. He already knew that. And he knew that they believed in him. And he knew they thought he was strong, for doing this. But he didn't feel strong. He felt weak.  


 

“Go, giving up your home

Go, leaving all you've known

You go, giving up your home

Go, leaving all you've known

You are not alone

 

You go, giving up your home

Go, leaving all you've known”  
  
  
He pulled away from Magnus, opened his eyes and looked at his friends. They smiled softly at him, all three of them. Watching them all, looking at him like this and singing so softly, he found himself wishing he had a camera to record it all. It was so pure, so beautiful. So full of hope and promises and love that he couldn't help but look back at them and force a smile on his own lips.  


 

“You go, giving up your home

Go, you are not unknown

You are not alone

You are not unknown

You are not alone”

  
  
He locked eyes with Jonas, and mouthed a ‘thank you’. Jonas just put down his guitar and reached over, pulled Isak into a tight hug. “Sometimes, it’s easier to say it with music, the things you're unable to say with words.”  
  
“I know.”  
  
“You can do it Isak. Just pick the songs that doesn't kill you on the inside. And we’ll play those.”  
  
“You’re actually letting me pick the setlist?” Isak joked, laughing through a few stray tears that wouldn't give up hold of him just jet.  
  
“We really are. Don’t make us regret it.” Mahdi said smiling.  
  
“I’ll try not to.”  
  
“That’s all we’re asking Isak. That you try.”  
  
“I’ll try.”

  
  
——————————————————————————

  
_When Isak tried to call him on a Wednesday, one and a half week after the plaza incident, he couldn't muster the courage to pick up the phone. He just stared at it, and tried to mute the sound but ended up accidentally declining the call. Shit.  
  
He put the phone back down, laid on his back and stared at the ceiling. His mother was in the kitchen, probably making him food. He wasn't hungry, but he would probably be forced to eat it anyway.  
  
A few minutes later, he got a text. He looked at his phone.  
  
It said  
_

 

_  
_ **_Isak <3  
Text message_ **

 

 

 

_He wasn't ready for a breakup text. He wasn't ready to break up with Isak period. But would Isak really be so cruel? Breaking up over text?  
  
Well, Even had kind of lied to him, countless of times. He probably deserved it.  
  
With shaking hands, he opened the text.  
  
  
_

 

_FROM ISAK TO EVEN_

 

_Tried calling you. I hope you are okay. Give me a sound when you feel like it. <3_

 

 

 

_  
And he felt himself breathe out in relief.  
  
He ended up staring at that little heart until his mother came in with food. She read the message over his shoulder and kissed his cheek. “He sounds like a sweetheart Even.” she said softly, and sat down with him.   
  
Even moved to a sitting position and smiled at his mother. “He really is mom.”  
  
“Good. Now eat.”  
  
And he did eat, while telling his mother all about Isak, how they met and the reason he never told him about being bipolar. And his mother just listened to him gush over how fantastic Isak was with a smile on her face.  
  
—  
  
The next day he was going to a checkup at the hospital to get his stitches removed, and he had an appointment with his therapist. When he came home after both, he felt mentally exhausted.   
  
His therapist had made him feel slightly better though.  
  
Fifteen minutes after he got home, both Sonja and Mikael entered his room, their arms full of movies, popcorn and soda. He tried and failed at refusing, and soon he found himself on the couch in his bedroom, between Sonja and Mikael, watching a movie.  
  
He looked at both his friends and figured out that whatever happened, he would still have both Sonja and Mikael.  
  
He and Sonja had been terrible at being a couple the past year. But before they became boyfriend and girlfriend, they had been just friends. And they could get back to the friend part. He knew they could.   
  
“Have you talked to Isak?” Sonja asked him as the movie ended.  
  
“No.” he admitted. He hadn't actually answered the text. Or called Isak back. He didn’t know what to say. He needed to find the right words before he spoke to the other boy.  
  
“You really should Even. Clear the air, tell him the truth. I’m still sorry about what I said.” Sonja said, biting her lip.  
  
“I will. I just don’t know what to say to him yet.”  
  
“Don’t plan so much Even. Just speak from the heart. I mean, from what I gather the boy if head over heels for you anyway, so he probably like your dorky ass just like it is.” Mikael said, and laughed when Even punched him in he arm. “But seriously dude, just talk to him.”  
  
Even looked at his friends and smiled weakly. “I will.”_

 

 

_——-_

 

_  
He had planned to go and talk to Isak when school was over that Friday. But he ended up sleeping late. Like, really late. He woke up at five pm and cursed when he realised he had forgotten to set an alarm.  
  
He got out of bed and started pulling on clothes. He was cold, so he got a lot of layers. He walked into the bathroom with all his clothes in his arms and closed the door behind him. Dropped the clothes on the floor and looked in the mirror. At the ugly scar on his wrist. He bit his lip, and started pulling on layers of clothes.   
  
He walked into the kitchen, meeting his mother. “Morning sunshine.” she smiled at him.  
  
He grunted at her. He was so far from sunshine right now it wasn't even funny. He hadn't even wanted to leave his bed, but he had made a plan to talk to Isak. And he was going to see it through.  
  
“I thought you were going to meet Isak when school ended?”  
  
“I overslept.”  
  
“I figured. Are you still going to meet him?”  
  
“If he has time. He was going to a concert with his parents tonight, at church.”  
  
“Ask him to meet up after?”  
  
“Maybe. Can I still go out today without you panicking?”  
  
“Only if you text me every hour.”  
  
“Deal.” He grabbed a toast and sat down at the table.  
  
“It’s dinner soon honey.”  
  
“Fine. I’ll leave after dinner.”  
  
  
While he couldn't actually feel the happiness, he saw how happy his mother was. She was happy he was eating, sitting with them, and getting ready to go out and try to find Isak.  
  
She made both lasagna and dessert, and forced him to eat both. He managed to get down a bit of the food. Said please and thank you. Hugged his mother and father. Then he put on more layers of clothing, shoes and left the house.  
_

 

_-_

 

_  
Seeing as his plan had failed, he didn't have another one. He walked around town. Looked at the time. It was 20.31. Isak would be at the church with his parents now. He had invited Even to join them, before the whole plaza incident.  
  
Even wished he could take it all back.   
  
He found himself standing outside the school. How had he ended up here? He wasn't sure. He started walking towards the building. Walked over to the bench where they had smoked together on that first Kosegroup meeting.   
  
He stared at the bench for a minute or two. Looked at his watch. 21.11. He walked into the school, and to the bathroom where he and Isak had first met. He sat down, and pulled out his phone. Started writing a text. And just like Mikael had suggested, he just wrote from the heart, no second thoughts, and when he finished he pressed send.  
  
  
_

 

_FROM EVEN TO ISAK_

 

_Dear Isak. I’m now sitting at the place where we met each other for the first time  
_ _and thinking about you. Soon it’ll be 21:21. I want to tell you a thousand things.  
Sorry for scaring you. Sorry for hurting you. Sorry for not telling you that I am bipolar.   
I was afraid of losing you. I’d forgotten that it’s not possible to lose someone, that   
all people are alone anyway. A different place in the universe   
we are together for all eternity, remember that.   
Love you.   
Even.  
  
_

 

_  
And then he sat there, waiting, hoping for a reply. 21.21 came and went. No reply.  
  
Maybe Mikael had been wrong. Maybe Isak didn't love him. Maybe he would be alone forever.   
  
He had known, ever since he got the diagnosis, that he would probably be alone forever. He would have to go through it alone. The ups and the downs. He knew he would have to face them alone. He had Sonja at the time, but he soon realised that it wasn't going to last. She would eventually leave, or he would ask her to. Because she couldn't handle it. No-one could handle it.   
  
Not Even himself either.  
  
He stayed a while in the bathroom, closing his eyes and searching through his memories of everything that had happened since Elvebakken. He hadn't messed up so bad this time. He had only made a fool of himself in front of one person. But somehow it felt worse this time, because of the person he had lost.   
  
He sighed, got to his feet, and started walking out of the school. Prepared himself for the long walk home. Or maybe he could take the tram? He pushed the door open, felt the cold air hit his face. Definitely the tram. He looked up, and stopped walking.  
  
In front of him, standing in the schoolyard, was Isak. Looking right back at him, with a panicked look on his face. Even realised just then that his text might have sounded like a goodbye. Like a suicide note. The irony.  
  
Isak started walking towards him. Even could feel his own feet moving forwards too. They met in the middle of the schoolyard.  
  
Isak pulled him into a hug. Kissed him._

 

_“You are not alone.”  
  
And Even found himself believing the words, for just a second.  
  
But he knew it wasn't true. Maybe he wasn't alone tonight. But eventually, he would be.  
  
And maybe that was okay. Because tonight at least, he had Isak.  
  
—  
  
He didn't tell Isak about the suicide attempt. He decided he would tell him later. He just made sure to keep his wrist covered or with the scar down so Isak wouldn't see.  
  
This was already too much too soon for a seventeen year old to handle. He didn't want to push it any further.  
  
They crawled into bed that night and Even let Isak pull him into his arms and fell asleep within minutes. He was so tired and so cold and Isak was warm and snuggly and for the first time since his suicide attempt, Even felt a spark of happiness. It wasn't big, it wasn't a magical cure, but he felt like maybe things could be fine._

  
  
  
—————————————————-  
  


 

It was unreal. How many fans they actually had. He had forgotten how large crowds they used to play for. Granted the time it was a mixture of their fans and the fans of the other band they were going to tour with. But still, it was so many people.   
  
Isak peeked out from backstage and felt himself getting stage fright. He never had stage fright. Well, not after his years in California at least. But now he found himself having it. It sucked.  
  
“Large crowd, huh?” he heard behind him. He spun around, coming face to face with the other band’s singer. He couldn't remember his name. Someone had told him it.   
  
“Yeah.” He answered weakly.  
  
“Dude, do you have stage fright?” The other singer asked him, almost laughing.  
  
Isak could feel himself getting pissed off at this. Who did this guy think he was? After all, his band was newly signed with the label, which meant he was a rookie in this game. Isak and his band was world-known. And this boy was laughing at him. “Fuck off.” he said through gritted teeth.  
  
“Hey, don’t be like that. I didn't mean to laugh, I’m sorry. I just, I have been fan of you guys for such a long time, and I am seriously a little intimidated by being in the same room as you and then I saw you standing here looking like you wanted to be anywhere else in the entire world and- I suck at apologising. Sorry. I am so sorry. Okay?”  
  
Isak looked at this other boy. He was taller than himself, had ice-blue eyes and very light blond hair, so light it was almost white. Something about him reminded Isak of Even, but at the same time, he looked completely different. “What’s your name again?” he asked him. The other boy looked slightly hurt by the fact that Isak couldn't remember his name, so he hurried to add “We were never formally introduced and I’m afraid I’m not all that good with names.” Isak had manners, no matter what he had learned to always be polite. Or try to be.  
  
“Daniel. Daniel Jacobsen.” the boy held out his hand.   
  
Isak hesitated for a minute, before grabbing his, shaking the boy’s hand. “Nice to meet you Daniel.”  
  
“Look, I heard what happened to you, and I just… I’m really impressed. That you got back in the game. And I’m so sorry for your loss.”  
  
“Yeah. Thanks. It’s not like I’m here by choice.”  
  
“You’re not? So that’s why you looked so nervous.”  
  
“Yep. I kind of got blackmailed into this.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“Long story.”  
  
“Good thing were going on a three month long tour then.”  
  
“You think I’m going to spend enough time with you to tell you my story?”  
  
“I don’t know Isak Valtersen. Are you?” Daniel said cheekily, his eyes sparkling.  
  
“Are you flirting with me?” Isak asked, stepping back in shock. Okay, who did this boy think he was? He felt himself getting mad again.  
  
“Maybe I am. Maybe I’m not.” Daniel shrugged, and started walking away, backwards. “I’ll see you after the show. We’re on in five, so I’ve got to go. Good talk Valtersen.”  
  
And then he was gone, leaving Isak behind with a mixture of shock and anger. Who the fuck was this guy?  


—

 

 

 

“It starts with one thing

I don't know why

It doesn't even matter how hard you try

Keep that in mind

I designed this rhyme

To explain in due time

All I know

Time is a valuable thing

Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings

Watch it count down to the end of the day

The clock ticks life away”

 

  
  
Stepping onto the stage had been terrifying, especially after Daniel and his band had fired the crowd up. But Jonas had squeezed his shoulder reassuringly and as they passed each other, Daniel had grabbed his arm and looked him in the eyes and said “You can do this. You're awesome Isak. I’m sorry about earlier. Go kick some ass, okay?”  
  
And so Isak did. He grabbed the mic, and when the music started, he closed his eyes for a millisecond, gathered himself, and when he opened them again, he found himself smiling.  


 

“It's so unreal

Didn't look out below

Watch the time go right out the window

Trying to hold on, but you didn't even know

Wasted it all just to watch you go

I kept everything inside

And even though I tried, it all fell apart

What it meant to me

Will eventually be a memory of a time when”  


  
He moved around the stage, the music filling him with energy. He heard the warnings from his doctor inside his head, and didn't jump or run. But he did a few skips. Okay, maybe he did a little jump too. He couldn't help it.

 

 

“I tried so hard

And got so far

But in the end

It doesn't even matter

I had to fall

To lose it all

But in the end

It doesn't even matter

 

One thing, I don't know why

It doesn't even matter how hard you try

Keep that in mind

I designed this rhyme

To remind myself of a time when

I tried so hard

In spite of the way you were mocking me

Acting like I was part of your property

Remembering all the times you fought with me

I'm surprised it got so

Things aren't the way they were before

You wouldn't even recognize me anymore

Not that you knew me back then

But it all comes back to me in the end

You kept everything inside

And even though I tried, it all fell apart

What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when

 

I tried so hard

And got so far

But in the end

It doesn't even matter

I had to fall

To lose it all

But in the end

It doesn't even matter”  
  
  
He looked out at the crowd. At all the people cheering for them. At all the people who was there for him, for them, for the music. And he thought about Even. And how he always talked about impacting the world, wanting to make it better, wanting to help people through his movies. Isak had never had that desire. Not until he started singing. When he saw how he impacted people through music, he finally realised what Even was going on about. And he remember how happy Even had been when they had sat down and discussed it and Isak had been on the same page as Even instead of just rolling his eyes at him.  
  
He looked at all these people and knew that most of them was just there to have a good time. But some of them was probably there because the music helped them. And Isak knew how that felt. The feeling of grasping at straws, at any little thing that you could reach. Something to hold onto. Something to keep you grounded. Something to keep you breathing.  


 

“I've put my trust in you

Pushed as far as I can go

For all this

There's only one thing you should know

I've put my trust in you

Pushed as far as I can go

For all this

There's only one thing you should know

 

I tried so hard

And got so far

But in the end

It doesn't even matter

I had to fall

To lose it all

But in the end

It doesn't even matter”  
  
  
As they walked of stage later that night, Isak had to admit he actually felt better. This had made him feel better. He hugged Jonas and whispered a thank you in his ear.  
  
Jonas just smiled at him in return, and they walked back to the changing room together, arm in arm. They went out to eat after the show, but declined the other band’s invitation to get drinks. Isak wasn't allowed to drink and Jonas, Magnus and Mahdi wanted to stay with Isak.  
  
Isak really appreciated it. They ended up sitting in the hotel room Isak and Jonas shared until the early hours of morning, talking about the show and making small changes to the setlist and drinking alcohol free champagne.   
  
And for the first time since Even died, Isak felt like maybe he could do this. Maybe. But probably not.  
  


 

 

**_——————————————  
  
_ **

**_  
Pride can stand_ **

**_A thousand trials_ **

**_The strong will never fall_ **

**_But watching stars without You_ **

**_My soul cried_ **

**_Heaving heart is full of pain_ **

**_Oh, oh, the aching_ **

**_// I’m Kissing You - Des’ree_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs in this chapter:
> 
> \- Angels, Augustana  
> \- Not Alone, Linkin Park  
> \- In The End, Linkin Park


	9. Chapter 9

 

 

 

 

 

**_What do you do when a chapter ends?_ **

**_Do you close the book and never read it again?_ **

**_Where do you go when your story's done?_ **

**_You can be who you were or who you'll become_ **

 

**_The sun goes down and it comes back up_ **

**_The world it turns no matter what_ **

**_If it all goes wrong_ **

******_Darling, just hold on_**  
  
_**// Just Hold On - Steve Aoki**_

**_————————————-_ **

 

  
  
  
The next two weeks continued much like that first show. They spent their days traveling, their night preforming. Every couple of days the had a break, a day of. They used them to sleep mostly, did a little sightseeing. Isak didn't like going sightseeing without Even. He looked at everything and knew how much Even would have loved seeing it, and then he got sad and miserable.  
  
So today he had chosen to stay at the hotel. But after everything, they boys refused to let him stay in the room alone. Which he understood fine. What he didn't understand was why he had to stay with the other band. Couldn't he have stayed with the tech guys or their manager or ANYONE ELSE?  
  
And of course, just his luck, the other band wanted to go to, except fucking Daniel. Who volunteered to stay behind and watch the suicidal kid. Cheers. Isak was feeling like the universe was trying to punish him a bit to much right now.  
  
He sat down at a table in the corner of the room, a notepad and a pen in hand, and his phone and earplugs laying on the table next to him. He knew he probably wouldn't be able to do anything, write anything, but he was at least going to pretend to write a new song. Like, he was going to sit here and give it a try.  
  
But Even had been his muse. And he had no fucking clue how to find inspiration without him. He could hear Even’s voice in his head, telling him he was great. That he could do this. That he could make magic appear on paper.  
  
But he had always written from his own feelings. And now his feelings were just heartbreak and sadness and he fucking couldn't sing anything sad because then he would probably just crumble and die.  
  
“Can I join you?” Daniel asked, plopping down in the chair next to him.  
  
“I’m in your room, so I can’t really refuse can I?”  
  
“You can. But you won’t.” the other boy answered cheekily.  
  
“What makes you believe that?”  
  
“Because you are staring so hard at that paper I’m surprised it hasn't caught fire. You're not going to write anything because you're too depressed to be creative. And you're going to be stuck here with me for hours, so we might as well pass the time with getting to know each other.” Daniel shrugged and pulled his feet up in the chair, seating himself in a crosslegged position.  
  
“Fine. Talk.” Isak said, putting the notepad on the table next to him.  
  
“What do you want to talk about?”  
  
“You’re the one who wanted to talk.” Isak pointed out.

 

“I was merely suggesting that you should pick the subject, so as to avoid any subject you might not want to talk about. I’m trying to play nice.”  
  
“Fine. How about the shows.”  
  
“What about them?”  
  
“I haven't had time to watch you guys much, how are you doing? I know you guys are fresh in the game, how does it feel to play in front of such a large crowd?”  
  
“It’s amazing. It feels epic. Shame you haven't watched us, we kick ass.” Daniel smirked.  
  
This guys was so full of himself, Isak couldn't help but roll his eyes. “Well, I said I hadn't watched you much. I have watched some. You're doing fine. Sometimes you're a little out of sync, though.” he shrugged.  
  
“Hey, I knew I could count on you for criticism.” Daniel laughed. “And while we’re on the topic, I have watched you guys too. Like, both before and now, from backstage.”  
  
“And?” Isak prompted, wanting to see where Daniel was going with this. More mockery?  
  
“And you guys are great. I mean, you guys are kind of my heroes. But you have lost the magic a little.”  
  
“How so?”  
  
“Well, before when you sang, you gave the crowd this feeling that you were meaning every word. Like you sung straight from the heart. Like you were singing to someone. Now you're kind of singing just at the crowd, not to them. Your voice is just as great as ever, but there is no feeling behind it. The songs you've picked is also kind of… I don’t know how to explain it. It just hasn't got any depth, if you understand what I mean? You have just picked the songs who are safe and good but not epic. You should do the really good ones. The ones who made you famous. The ones that mesmerises the crowd. The ones that you have a feeling behind, the ones that makes people cry and laugh and feel something.”  
  
Isak just looked at him. He had seen this coming, he just hadn't seen it coming from this boy. He had predicted that one of his own band members would say it. But he also knew they were too polite to push him right now. Because he had barely agreed to come on this tour. And they had tried to do one of their ‘good’ songs on the bus before the first show. And he couldn't do it.  
  
And now, some part of him wanted to explain that to this boy sitting in front of him. And he couldn't for the life of him figure out why he wanted to talk to this boy. But he did. And it annoyed him.  
  
“I can’t do it.” he simply said instead, biting his lip.  
  
“Why not? Just do-‘“  
  
“I fucking can’t, okay?!” Isak all but screamed at him in frustration.  
  
Daniel looked shocked by Isak’s sudden outburst. He leaned back, staring at Isak for a second. Then his face softened, looking almost apologetic. Like he regretted suggesting it. “Why not?” he asked again, voice softer, curious.  
  
And Isak didn't know why he did it, but he begun talking. He told him about the day on the bus. About how the song made him feel like he was dying. And that wasn't their deepest song either. But he just couldn't even think about singing any of those songs because he felt like his heart would twist and tear by the mere thought of singing them. He hadn't listened to any one of them once since Even died. He couldn't bear it.  
  
Daniel listened to him in silence, taking in every word without any witty comment or smart ass remark. He just let him talk, and listened patiently. When Isak was done, they sat in silence for a few minutes.  
  
“All your songs are written about Even, aren't they?” Daniel asked after a while.  
  
“Mostly.” Isak answered, feeling his voice breaking.  
  
“I can’t really imagine losing someone like that. I mean, I almost died once myself and I’ve lost people before, but never anyone I had that kind of connection with.”  
  
“You almost died?” Isak questioned.  
  
“Heart-condition. Born with a crappy heart. Hospitals and surgeries and being fucking useless half my life. All better now, luckily.”  
  
“I’m sorry to hear that.”  
  
“Back to your songs. You said you couldn't do them because you feel pain when you sing them.”  
  
“Yes?”  
  
“But weren't they written through good memories, good moments in your life? Can’t you focus on the good memories when you sing them?”  
  
Isak looked at him dumbly. He hadn't even thought about it himself, but he doubted it would work. Just the thought of singing any of the songs made him want to curl up and die. “Life isn't just black and white, it’s not that simple.”  
  
“Have you tried it?”  
  
“… no.”  
  
“Why don’t we give it a try now then? What do you have to lose?”  
  
Isak thought about if for a second. What did he have to lose except pride? Well, there wasn't any pride left to lose right now, because he had already been stuck in this room on suicide watch and he had confessed to crying like a baby at the thought of singing his own songs, so he really didn't have anything to lose. “Nothing. I have nothing left to lose.”  
  
“That’s the spirit.” Daniel smiled at him, and got up from the chair. He walked across the room, grabbed a guitar and walked back. “Now, I’m nowhere near as good a guitar player as Jonas, or any of the guys in my own band, but I think I’ll do for this experiment. Which song? Do you have any song you can tie to a good memory instead of a bad one?”  
  
Isak took some time to think about it. Which song could he pick? He searched through his brain, but rather than searching the lyrics, he searched through his good memories of him and Even, and tried to find a song written around it.  
  
He just started singing the first words of the song, and Daniel caught on right away, playing along.

  
  
“Some things we don't talk about

Rather do without

And just hold a smile

Falling in and out of love

Ashamed and proud of

Together all the while”

  
  
The pain in his chest threatened to explode. He considered just stopping, but he looked at Daniel’s smiling, enthusiastic face and remembered his suggestion. To focus on the happy memory. And what did he actually have to lose by doing it?

 

“You can never say never while we don't know it

Time and time again

Younger now than we were before

Don't let me go, don't let me go, don't let me go

Don't let me go, don't let me go, don't let me go”

  
  
He focused on the memory. The day he wrote this, he and Even had been exploring Paris together, having a day off. They were there to shoot a movie, or in connection with a concert. He couldn't remember which one, and that didn't really matter. All that mattered was that he remembered their day together. They had gone sightseeing, and taken all these ridiculous pictures, selfies, together. Even had made him pose in front of every building and statue he wanted to take a picture of. And Isak had played along.

 

“Picture you're the queen of everything

Far as the eye can see

Under your command

I will be your guardian when all is crumbling

Steady your hand

 

You can never say never while we don't know it

Time, time and time again

Younger now than we were before

Don't let me go, don't let me go, don't let me go

Don't let me go, don't let me go, don't let me go”

  
  
When they had come back to their hotel, Even had been exhausted, probably because of his change in meds or something. But Isak remembered feeling so alive, so happy, so in love. He had written the song while watching Even sleep.  
  
They had a few arguments before their trip, and the reason behind them being the same reason they had switched Even’s meds. Because they had stopped working, and made Even act out of character a lot. Do irrational things and lose control of his own actions. And when Isak had pointed it out to him, made him aware of it, Even had become angry at him and started talking about a divorce. Isak knew it was just the bipolar talking, but it had hurt him none the less. He had taken Even to the doctor and after a few weeks, Even was feeling better. But the meds kept tiring him out for a few months after he started on them.  
  
He never talked about divorce again after that, but he tried to apologise to Isak during their Paris trip. Which was the inspiration leading to this song.

 

“We're falling apart,

And we're coming together,

Again and again

We're crawling apart,

But we're falling together,

Falling together

Together again

 

Don't let me go, don't let me go, don't let me go

Don't let me go, don't let me go, don't let me go

Don't let me go, don't let me go, don't let me go

Don't let me go, don't let me go, don't let me go”  


  
Because just like Isak had told Even back then, there wasn't a universe where Isak and Even wasn't meant to be together. And Isak would never let Even go, unless Even was the one to let him go first. He told him time and time again, that he would never leave Even unless the older boy asked him to leave.  
  
A single tear dripped down Isak’s cheek, but it wasn't a sad tear. It wasn't a happy tear either. It was however an emotional tear. He was overwhelmed by emotion, by love, he had felt every word he had sung. He had felt like he was back in that hotel room, watching Even sleeping. And he felt a mixture of sorrow, happiness and peace. He had been able to recall a memory, a good memory, so vividly, just by singing.  
  
His heart felt lighter, his mind clearer. He wasn't happy. Far from it. But he was better than yesterday, and that was a relief. Even the smallest steps to becoming better was a huge relief to Isak. It made him feel like maybe one day, he could be free from this pain. Maybe.  
  
“That was really good.” Daniel said, breaking the silence.  
  
“Yes. Thank you. It actually worked.”  
  
“I noticed.”  
  
“Maybe I’ll switch up the setlist a little tomorrow.”  
  
“I think you should.”  
  
Isak met Daniel’s eyes, and looked into those icy-blue eyes for a second. “I think I will.” he smiled, his smile actually being sincere.

 

 

—————————————————————————

 

_He woke up feeling like he hadn't slept for weeks. He hated feeling like this. He opened his eyes. Right, he wasn't home. He was in Isak’s room, in Isak’s bed._  
  
_And Isak was right next to him. “Hey.” the younger boy said._

_ “Hey.” Even replied.  _

_ “Hungry?” Isak asked.  _

_ Even didn't answer that question. He shouldn't be here. He shouldn't be bothering Isak with this. He should be home and just stay there until he’s fucking normal again. “What time is it?”  _

_ “Around.. Ten thirty or something.”  _

_ “I should leave.”  _

_ “Why?”  _

_ Even decided to go with the truth. “Because I don’t want you to lie here and feel like you have to look after me.”  _

_ “I don’t feel like I’m looking after you.” Isak said, his voice soft. “And why… Why is that wrong?”  _

_ Even could feel the pain in Isak’s voice. Fuck, he had probably caused Isak so much pain these past months. Why couldn't he just be normal? Why couldn't he just be a normal teenager, laying in bed with his gorgeous boyfriend? “There is nothing wrong with it.” he said. Because it wasn’t. He didn't mind Isak looking after him, not at all. But he couldn't stand being the reason behind Isak’s pain. “I just can’t stand that you lie here all sad.”  _

_ “I’m not sad.” Isak protested.  _

_ Even was growing frustrated. Isak was so stubborn. Why wouldn't he just let Even leave? Even being here hurt Isak, he could see that. He wasn't blind. And maybe they would be fine this time, but Even would do this again. Over and over and over until he died. He would keep hurting Isak. “I just know that this isn't going to work out.”  _

_ “Why do you say that?”  _

_ “Because it’s true. I’m just going to.. To hurt you. And then you’ll hate me.”  _

_“No.” Isak’s voice broke, like he was on the verge of tears. “You don’t know shit about how this is going to end. I mean, we might get a nuclear bomb dropped on our heads tomorrow and… And… Then discussing this is just a waste of time, so.. I suggest that you just screw talking about the future, and then the two of us will just take this thing completely chill.”_  
  
_Even just listened to Isak talk. The nuclear bomb thing was a little farfetched, but he got the idea. He understood that Isak wouldn't give up this relationship without a fight. And somehow, knowing that, made him feel just a little bit better._

_ “Let’s play a game. It goes like this… It’s called ‘Isak and Even: Minute by Minute’. It… It’s about that, the only thing we need to worry about, is the next minute. You up for it?” Isak continued.  _

_ “… Okay.” Even answered, deciding to play along, just see how this was going. “What should we do this minute then?”  _

_ “This minute we’ll kiss.”  _

_ “That’s chill.”  _

_ “That’s chill.”  _

_—-_  
  
_They stayed in Isak’s room for the rest of the day. And the next day. Even slept for the most part, but he managed to stay awake for half a movie and a pizza on Sunday. When night fell and he asked Isak if he wanted Even to leave, Isak just pulled him close and said he could stay for as long as he wanted._  
  
_On Monday, after Isak had left for school, Eskild kept him company. He gave him food and told him cute stories about Isak and tried to lighten his mood. It worked. Even felt a little better when Eskild left. When Noora came to keep him company just as Eskild left, he grew suspicious. Had Isak somehow learnt about the fact that he tried to kill himself? He hoped not. He knew he had to tell him eventually. But he wasn't ready yet._  
  
_He tried to read Isak that night, see if he could figure out whether Isak knew or not. It didn't seem like he knew._  
  
_And when he suggested that they could go out and get kebab, he said yes. He didn't really have the energy to leave the house, but he knew he needed fresh air and food and to just get out of bed. So they did, and he actually found himself smiling a few times._  
  
_Tuesday he spent sleeping, mostly. Noora came in to check on him a few times, and he was pretty sure Isak arrived home from school earlier than he was supposed to, but when the younger boy crawled into bed with him and hugged him tight, he didn't really question it._  
  
_Wednesday Linn kept him company and by now he was pretty sure Isak had asked his flat mates to keep an eye on him. He wasn't mad, quite the contrary. It was endearing._  
  
_He was feeling a little better today, so he said yes to Linn’s suggestion: playing video-games._  
  
_After yet another round of her losing and him winning, Isak appeared in the doorframe. Linn complained about being tired and left the room, leaving the boys all alone._

_ “Halla.”  _

_ “Halla.”  _

_  
Isak walked over to him, kissed him softly and pushed him back on the bed, laying down next to him.  _

_ “Everything okay?”  _

_ “Did you ask… all of your roomies to look after me?” Even decided to ask, even if he already knew the answer.  _

_ “Hm? No!” Isak lied, the lie so transparent on his face.  _

_ “Holy fuck, you’re such a bad liar!” Even laughed.  _

_ “Huh?! I’m a bad liar?”  _

_ “Yeah.”  _

_ “I’m a bad liar?” Isak repeated, continuing “I’m the fucking master liar, there’s no one who’s a better liar than me! I mean, you have no idea what I’ve gotten away with.”  _

_ “Well tell me. What have you gotten away with?” He really was going to figure this one out one day…  _

_ “No, I mean, you don’t want to know.” Isak said, brushing it of. Reached forward and touched Even’s lip. “I like seeing you laugh.”  
_

_ Isak’s phone started buzzing.  _

_ “Holy fuck, Vilde. Nagging me so fucking much about that Kosegruppa stuff.”  _

_ “Kosegruppa!” Even laughed. “I had completely forgotten about it.”  _

_ “Yeah, don’t tell her that, ‘cause she’ll get pissed. She’s terrified people just joined for the revue parties or something.”  _

_ “Well, I was there to meet you.”  _

_ “Hm?! Seriously?”  _

_ “Yeah. Did you think I was there to have fun?” Even asked him.  _

_ “Had you seen me before that first Kosegruppa meeting?”  _

_ “Yeah.”  _

_ “I saw you the first day of school.” Even admitted. It felt good, finally letting Isak know.  _

_ “Woah…” Isak looked like he was shocked. Like, not in a bad way though. Just overwhelmed by the idea of someone noticing him. Even found that both adorable and sad.  _

_ Vilde called again and Isak answered this time. Talked about a christmas tree. Even didn't quite grasp the conversation, he was too busy staring at his very hot boyfriend.  _

_ “Christmas tree?” he questioned when Isak hung up the phone.  _

_ “Yeah, I haven't told you… Speaking of Kosegruppa. I’ll be hosting a Christmas get-together here on Friday.”  _

_ “Here?” Even asked, feeling nervous.  _

_ “Mhm.”  _

_ “Friday?”  _

_“Do you wanna come?” Isak asked him, hopefulness in his voice._  
  
_Even hated that he had to break that, but he couldn't handle a party right now._

_ “I… I’ve actually promised my mom that… I talked to her today. And she really wanted me to stop by at home. To eat and stuff. Or, I don’t know. I was thinking maybe I’ll just stay there for a while.” He wasn't ready for a party. And he had an appointment with his therapist tomorrow that he just couldn't miss.  _

_“We’ll just take it one day at a time.” Isak said. He didn't sound upset or annoyed or sad. He sounded okay with everything. And Even debated telling him then and there, about the suicide attempt. But he couldn’t. He couldn't ruin the moment. So instead he moved in closer and kissed his amazing boyfriend._  
  
_——_  
  
_Going to his therapist on Thursday and spending a night at home with his mother was all he needed. Friday morning, he felt great. Not good enough for school, but good enough to go to the party with his boyfriend._  
  
_He talked to his mother about it, and she agreed. He was allowed to go, on the condition that he stayed there (no wandering the streets drunk Even) and didn't smoke any weed. (You just got new meds again, be careful honey)_  
  
_He didn't actually mind her motherly nagging. He liked it. She was his mother. It was fine. It was only when Sonja acted that way that he got annoyed. Because Sonja was most certainly not his mother._  
  
_He talked to Sonja and Mikael about him and Isak fixing things and the party. They were both happy for him and told him that if he needed anything at any time, he could just call them. Even appreciated it._

_ ——  _

_ He found Isak in the kitchen with his friends. They were giving Magnus tips on how to get Vilde to like him. They kept telling him to stop being desperate. But Even knew that sometimes, you have to show people how desperate you really are. Much like what he had done with Isak. So he told Magnus that, and the other boy swallowed the idea with enthusiasm. Jonas and Mahdi ran out after him to see how this would play out.  _

  
  
_Finally, him and Isak was alone for a few minutes._

_ “Halla,”  _

_ “Halla.”  _

_ “How’s it going?”  _

_ “I’m fine.” Even answered.  _

_ “Mhm?”  _

_ “Ive just talked to my mom… And… The reason she’s nagging is because she really want to meet you.”  _

_ “Oh. Hmm…”  _

_ “So… What do you say we drop by tomorrow?” Even asked, carefully. He knew Isak didn't get along with his own parents, so maybe this was too much to ask of him but-  _

_ “Yeah.” Isak answered.  _

_ “Yeah?” Even asked, just to give him an out.  _

_ “Yeah.”  _

_ “You don’t think that it’s awkward?”  _

_ “No. I don’t find anything awkward anymore.” Isak said.  _

_ “Okay.”  _

_ “As long as you're smiling, and…”  _

_ “That I can do.”  _

_ “Wear clothes. Then… Then life is chill.”  _

_Even laughed. He was never going to live this down. “I promise, I’ll wear clothes.”_  
  
_But that was okay. Because he had gotten the man of his dreams._

_ \-  _

_ When Sana came by and gave Isak a christmas gift, which happened to be weed, Even felt a spark of joy. He really wanted some.  _

_ But Isak had other plans. He just took the bag out of Even’s hands. “You’re not getting any of it.”  _

_ When Even raised his eyebrows, Isak added “It’s not good for you.”  _

_ “It’s not good for you either!” Even protested.  _

_ “It’s completely fine for me, but not for you.”  _

_ “Are you going to be the one to tell me what is good or not?” Even questioned, a fake annoyance in his voice. Like, he pretended to be annoyed but showed very clearly that he wasn’t.  _

_ “Of course I am. It’s my job.”  _

_ “You’ve got a job?” Even played along.  _

_ “Yeah, it’s literally my job. It’s… That’s why I’m doing this, you know?” Isak continued, dragging out the story. Even found it adorable, and awesome, having found a boyfriend this gorgeous who also happen to have a sense of humour. “I found this poster… On Løkka, where it stood; Even Bech Næsheim needs support person and boyfriend.”  _

_ “And then you applied?”  _

_ “Yeah, ‘cause I thought, “Holy fuck, he’s hot!”  _

_ “That was nice.”  _

_ “Yeah.”  _

_ “You’re so nice.”  _

_ “I could’ve done it for free. But it’s nice getting-“  _

_ “You’re getting paid?!”  _

_ “Yeah, your mom pays me 500 a week.”  _

_ “What?”  _

_ “Yeah.”  _

_ “It’s not weird that-“  _

_ “Are you kidding?”  _

_ “It’s no wonder she wants to ‘meet’ me.”  _

_ “Holy fuck! I’m getting some of that money.”  _

_ “No.”  _

_ “Yes?”  _

_ “It’s my money.” Isak smiled at him. “You’re not getting any of it.”  _

_ “Yes. Come on!”  _

_ “No!”  _

_ “Come on!”  _

_  
And then they were kissing. And nothing else mattered. And Even knew, deep down inside, that this was the boy he was going to marry. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not next year. But someday. And with any luck, they would get to stay together forever.  _

_ ——————————————————— _

 

 

With Daniel’s help he managed to pick out a few more songs for the next show. They ended up ordering pizza and talking about music, the upcoming concerts and all the concerts Daniel had been to, watching Isak’s band.   
  
It was a lot. And Daniel kept joking with him, teasing and being a smart-ass, but after a while Isak didn't mind so much. He was slightly uncomfortable with being hit on by this boy he had just met. He knew that if the roles had been reversed, he would never have the courage to act like that.  
  
They were laughing about something. And Isak found himself studying the other boy. His hair was really light blond. Like, almost white. And his eyes were equally light blue. Like ice. He was so different from Even, who had deep blue eyes. Just thinking about Even’s deep blue eyes made Isak gasp softly in pain. Not loud enough for Daniel to hear, luckily.  
  
The only thing Daniel and Even really had in common was the height, the smile that reached the eyes instantly and the confidence. Daniel more than Even. Even knew he was good, but he also knew his limits. He wasn't boastful, full of himself or overconfident in his abilities like Daniel seemed to be.  
  
And Isak knew he would never fall for a boy like Daniel. Or anyone for that matter, ever again. But he found himself enjoying the other boy’s company. The distraction from his own life, his own misery.  
  
Jonas and Magnus came back when day turned to evening, and he left Daniel’s room with them. Mahdi had stayed with the other band, going out for a drink. Isak told Magnus and Jonas that they could go as well if they wanted to, but the kept insisting they wanted to watch a movie instead.  
  
So they did.  
  
Halfway through the movie, Isak decided to bring up the setlist. “Guys?”  
  
“Yeah?” Magnus and Jonas answered at the same time. Which prompted some laughter.  
  
When the laughter died down, Isak continued. “Anywayyy… I thought we could make some changes to the setlist.”  
  
“Oh?” Jonas asked. “I thought you didn't want to do any of our other songs, because you know..”  
  
“Yeah. But for some reason that douche of a vocalist you asked to babysit me the entire day had some really helpful advice so…”  
  
“Daniel? You don’t like him? I think he’s cool.” Magnus said.  
  
“Ugh. He’s so full of himself.” Isak complained.  
  
“He’s not. He’s just confident and charming and charismatic and has a great sense of humour. He’s kind of like-“ Magnus started, his voice full of admiration.  
  
“Don’t go there Mags.” Jonas interrupted.  
  
“But-“  
  
“Don’t go there.” Jonas said sternly.

  
“He’s kind of like Even.” Isak supplied.  
  
The room fell silent.  
  
“Yeah.” Magnus said, carefully. “Sorry. I shouldn't have.”  
  
“It’s fine Magnus. I can handle talking about Even.” Isak said, grabbing his friend’s hand. “And I halfway agree. He reminds me a little of Even. But Even was never so full of himself.”  
  
“Daniel isn't either.” Magnus said laughing. “He is just so nervous around you, he can’t help it.”  
  
“Wait, what? Are you discussing me with that asshat?”  
  
“Uh, yeah? He came to me like the first day or something and asked a bunch of questions about you. He really admires you, and I think he has a crush on you. But mostly he asked about your accident and about Even and what to be careful about not saying around you.”  
  
“Oh.” was all Isak could manage to reply.  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“Okay, so maybe I’ll give him another chance then. After all, he was nice to me today, when he stopped being an ass. And he helped me find my voice again, to sing the songs that actually mean something. The songs people come to hear, the ones who made us famous.”  
  
Jonas smiled and hugged him. “You know we will do whatever songs you pick, right?”  
  
“I know. Thank you.”  
  
“No Isak. Thank you. For not giving up without giving life another chance.”

 

 

 

 

****  
——————-  
  
**_When the evening shadows and the stars appear,_**

**_ And there is no one there to dry your tears,  _ **

**_ I could hold you for a million years  _ **

**_To make you feel my love._**  
  
**_// Make You Feel My Love - Adele_**

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs in this chapter:
> 
> \- Never say never, The Fray


	10. Chapter 10

**_I'm friends with the monster that's under my bed_ **

**_Get along with the voices inside of my head_ **

**_You're trying to save me, stop holding your breath_ **

**_And you think I'm crazy, yeah, you think I'm crazy  
  
// The Monster - Eminem_ **

 

**_————-_ **

 

 

 

 

They had traveled through Sweden, Denmark, Germany, Belgium and Netherlands, giving shows on the way. Now they were on their way to Great Britain, taking a boat across an ocean or something, somewhere. Isak wasn't paying much attention to the travel-route. Their first show over there would be in less than fifteen hours, he knew that much.   
  
They were currently sitting in their tourbus, Jonas had invited the other band to join them. Isak was sitting by a table with Daniel, playing cards. They talked a bit about the upcoming shows, about which places they looked forwards to the most. The past weeks Daniel had helped him work through some songs, and they had talked a little about life and careers and somehow they had become friends. Kind of. He could see Jonas giving him a smirk combined with a knowing look, and he just raised his eyebrows back at him.   
  
“What?” Daniel asked.  
  
“Jonas is a bitch.”  
  
“HEY, Jonas can hear you.” Jonas interjected.  
  
“I intended for you to hear it.”  
  
“Fuck you.” Jonas laughed.   
  
Isak just smirked, and concentrated on the cards in his hands again.  
  
“How about we do something else?” Magnus suggested.   
  
Isak looked up. Around him the boys were mostly playing with their phones, some of Daniel’s band members, (Andreas and Lars?) were playing around with their guitars. “What do you suggest?”  
  
“We could jam.” Mahdi said.   
  
“Awesome idea!” Jonas exclaimed, getting to his feet and going to get his guitar.   
  
Isak looked at Daniel, raised an eyebrow. Daniel shrugged at him and put down his cards. “I’m losing anyway, so I’m in.” the blonde haired boy said, turning around in his seat so that he was facing his friends.   
  
“What the hell. Let’s do it.” Isak said, dropping his cards as well. “And I was winning by the way. Again.”  
  
Everyone laughed, and the guys started plucking around with their guitars, waiting for Isak and Daniel to agree on a song. Isak got an idea and pulled out his phone, searched up the lyrics for the song he wanted to do. He showed it to Daniel, who nodded.   
  
“So, a song which neither of us wrote?”  
  
“Yup. Neutral ground.” Isak answered, smiling, then throwing the phone to Jonas so he could see the choice Isak had made. The dark haired boy smiled and nodded, passing it around to the other boys so they all could see which song it was.  
  
The boys used a few tries to all play at the same time, resulting in some laughter. Daniel looked at Isak, who looked right back and smiled. They started singing, not having any problems with syncing up, both knowing the song well.   
  
“Sunlight comes creeping in

Illuminates our skin

We watch the day go by

Stories of all we did

It made me think of you

It made me think of you

 

Under a trillion stars

We danced on top of cars

Took pictures of the stage

So far from where we are

They made me think of you

They made me think of you

 

Oh lights go down

In the moment we're lost and found

I just wanna be by your side

If these wings could fly

For the rest of our lives”  
  
  
This song reminded him of Even, but it wasn't one of their songs, or one of his songs. It was just a pretty song. A sad but pretty song.   
  
Isak had looked at the floor while singing. Now he looked up. Looked at Jonas, who smiled so brightly at him. And he couldn't help smiling back. Magnus, Mahdi, they both smiled at him too. He even exchanged smiled with Andreas, Lars and… he couldn't remember the name of their drummer. Awkward.   
  
Then his eyes landed on Daniel, who was beaming at him. Their voices blended so perfectly, and even if the song wasn't exactly in their range, it sounded so magical Isak found himself secretly wishing they could do more songs together.  


 

“I’m in a foreign state

My thoughts they slip away

My words are leaving me

They caught an aeroplane

Because I thought of you

Just from the thought of you”  


 

  
Isak still missed Even so badly his chest clenched, making it hard to breathe. But right now, in this moment, sitting in the tourbus singing with these people, he found it a little easier to breathe.   


 

“Oh lights go down

In the moment we're lost and found

I just wanna be by your side

If these wings could fly

Oh damn these walls

In the moment we're ten feet tall

And how you told me after it all

We'd remember tonight

For the rest of our lives

 

If these wings could fly

 

Oh lights go down

In the moment we're lost and found

I just wanna be by your side

If these wings could fly

Oh damn these walls

In the moment we're ten feet tall

And how you told me after it all

We'd remember tonight

For the rest of our lives”  
  
  
They ended up cheering and laughing and someone brought out beers. No-one would let Isak have one, but that was fine. He was having just as much fun while drinking a soda anyway. He ended up sitting next to Jonas, and they played a few more songs, managed to trick him into rapping an old song from their high school days, and ended up having a really good time.  
  
Maybe this tour wasn't such a horrible idea after all.  
  
  
——-  
  
  
After their first show in London, Daniel was waiting for him backstage. He was leaning against a wall, arms crossed over his chest and a smirk painted on his face.   
  
“I told you so.” he simply said.  
  
“You’re a little full of yourself, you know that?” Isak said bluntly, making the other boy looking startled. Smiling in victory, he added “But yes, that was magical.”  
  
He started walking slowly down the hallway, waiting for Daniel to join him.   
  
The other boy did.  
  
“You were amazing up there Isak. You truly were. And I’m sorry if I’m coming on too strong, it’s just that I admire you Isak. A lot. And also I like you, a lot.”  
  
Isak stopped dead in his tracks. He couldn't deal with this right now. He had just lost Even. He had just gotten back on his feet. He couldn't even let himself think about dating someone else. Because he would never be able to love anyone like he loved Even.   
  
And he didn't want to either.   
  
Going through the pain it was, loving someone else, he wouldn't do that again. He could never do it again. And he could never get over Even.  
  
“Daniel-“  
  
“I just needed to tell you, because I mean… I really admire you, and spending time together these past weeks… I really like you Isak. As more than a friend.”  
  
“Daniel, I can’t. Thank you for helping me and everything. But i can’t.” Isak said hurriedly, before he turned on his heel and ran away, blinking away the tears he couldn't explain why was pressing on.  
  


 

———————

 

  
  
“He said what?”  
  
They were back at the hotel room him and Jonas was sharing.   
  
“It’s fine Jonas.”  
  
“It’s not. He fucking knows what you’ve been through.”  
  
Isak didn't know what to say. He just curled up on his bed and pulled a pillow into his arms. He could feel Jonas climbing into bed with him. Strong arms wrapped him into a comforting embrace. He closed his eyes, imagined for a second that it was Even hugging him. And then he took a deep breath, smelling the scent that was pure Jonas. Jonas, who loved him like a brother. Who had taken care of him since they were kids. Who cared for him endlessly. But Isak wanted Even. Needed Even. Even, who was gone, forever.  
  
“Jonas?”  
  
“Yes?”  
  
“I can’t do it. I can’t ever love anyone again. It’s too painful.”  
  
“I know Isak. I know. Just sleep. We’ll figure this out tomorrow.”  
  
Isak drifted into sleep, feeling safe in Jonas’ arms. He had been feeling so good today, standing on stage, pouring his heart out into every song. Focusing on the good memories behind the songs, holding on to them. He had felt like Even was there with him, on stage, tonight. And he had felt happy. And at peace. And then he got of stage, and looked forward to the happy banter between him and Daniel. And then this confession. This heavy burden. This awful thing he couldn't live through again.   
  
——————  
  
He knew he was dreaming. The whole setting was surreal. He was running down the streets of Paris, chasing after Even. Even, who was laughing, egging him on. ‘Catch me if you can!’. And Isak tried, he ran as fast as his legs would carry him. But Even had longer legs, and Isak couldn't keep up.   
  
“Even!” he yelled. The only response he got was laughter.  
  
“EVEN!” he yelled again. Still only laughter.  
  
“DON’T LEAVE ME!”   
  
And Even stopped, and turned around. And Isak almost collided with him, ran straight into his arms. Green eyes met blue. He could feel himself drowning in them. They were just the perfect shade of blue.   
  
The dream was so vivid, so realistic. But he knew deep down that it was just a dream.   
  
But the feeling of Even’s hands on him. His eyes staring deeply into Isak’s. It felt so real. “I’m not leaving you Isak. I promised I wouldn’t ever leave you. And I’m keeping my promise, okay?” Even’s voice sounded so real.   
  
And then he realised, that this was a memory.  
  
And suddenly Even was slipping away from him.  
  
“Even!” he yelled, but this time there was no laughter.   
  
“EVEN!” the other boy was almost completely gone. A weak whisper of Even’s voice told him ‘I’m sorry I couldn't keep my promise…’  
  
“EVEN!” he screamed with everything he had. 

 

 

  
  
“Isak! Isak it’s okay. Isak you're just having a nightmare.” He felt someone shake his shoulder. Opened his eyes to meet Jonas’ deep green ones. Felt the panic release it’s hold of him. Felt his breathing slow down, breath by breath.  
  
A single tear escaped his eye. He had known it was just a dream. But it had been so real. Even had felt so real. And now Isak felt like he had just lost him all over again. And he couldn't stop the single tear from becoming multiple tears and suddenly he was sobbing into Jonas’ shoulder.  
  
And Jonas patiently stroked his back tenderly and whispered “You’ll get through this” in his ear. And even though he wanted to protest, a small part of him was starting to believe Jonas. Maybe, just maybe, he would actually be okay. One day. Not today.  


  
—————

  
  
After breakfast, he asked Daniel if they could talk. He needed to be clear with the other boy. He didn't regret what he had said yesterday, but he regretted the lack of explanation he had given him. Like, Daniel already knew why, but Isak needed to be clear - he wasn't mad, but they could never be a thing. They could be friends, but that was it.  
  
They sat down on a bench outside the back of the hotel. It was a beautiful garden, full of flowers and green grass. Very unlike the rest of London. Even would have loved it here, he just knew it. Isak loved it here. The sun was shining, and Isak actually felt like it was a little easier to breathe.  
  
He looked over at Daniel. The other boy looked nervous. Isak let out a sigh. “Daniel. I’m sorry about yesterday. I didn't mean to run away like that. I just, I can’t okay?”  
  
“I know. I’m sorry I said anything.”  
  
“You didn't do anything wrong. And under different circumstances, maybe we could have given it a try. But I can’t. Right now I need to figure out who I am, alone. Ever since I was 17, Even was there by my side, helping me through everything. Yes, I helped him too. But we always had each other. And without him, I don’t know who I am. And I think I need to figure that out, alone, before considering trying anything new… And right now, the wounds are still too fresh. It wouldn't be fair to either of us.” He didn't say that he would never ever be with anyone ever again. But he knew it, deep down inside. He could never ever let anyone take Even’s place.  
  
Daniel grabbed his hand carefully. “Isak. It’s fine. I’m sorry I sprung it on you like that. I know it’s too soon for you to even think about. And I’m really really sorry. Yes, I do feel something for you, but I know you're hurting and I know you don’t need that kind of stress and drama in your life. I just… Please tell me I didn't fuck up our friendship?”  
  
Isak looked down at their hands. Daniel’s hand on his felt oddly comforting. Like with Jonas, except in a different way. He smiled softly and placed his other hand on top of Daniel’s. “You didn’t.” he said simply, because it was true. While he couldn't even imagine dating someone right now, he really wanted to stay friends with Daniel. The other boy had helped him through so much already, and they had only known each other for a month.  
  
“Good. Because I want to keep being your friend. I want to keep helping you. I want to be there for you.” Daniel smiled back. There was a sadness in his eyes. Isak knew why. But he also knew he couldn't help Daniel right now, so he didn't say anything about it.  
  
They sat in silence, taking in the late summer day. It would soon be autumn. But it was still warm and the days were still long and the birds were singing and the flowers were in full bloom and it was so pretty out here. And in those silent moments, sitting next to this boy who cared for him and supported him and wanted to help him despite Isak rejecting him, Isak felt a small spark of hope.  
  
“I dreamt about Even last night.” Isak confessed. He didn't know why he said it. But he instantly felt lighter when the last word fell from his mouth.  
  
“Nightmare?” Daniel asked softly.  
  
“No. More like a memory. Like, a memory from Paris, combined with the memory of loosing him. It was heartbreaking, but I still wouldn't call it a nightmare, if you get what I mean? ”  
  
“I do.” Daniel nodded slowly.   


“In the hospital, every night for almost half a year, I had nightmares about losing Even. They were a little on and off depending on my dosage of meds, but they always came back. It was only the last two months or so, when I started accepting the help offered to me, that they changed. I still dreamt about him, but they weren't all nightmares. Now, I still have dreams about him. But they are mostly good. Last night was different because I was losing him again. And maybe it is stress or maybe it is a coincidence but whatever reason behind it doesn't matter. What matters is that this time I could still get out of bed and move forwards and breathe. I could still breathe.”  
  
Daniel looked at him, and Isak looked back. Neither said anything else. They didn't need to. The silence resumed. There were no other people in the back-garden, and it was closed in so that the busy streets of London and the press who tracked them couldn't get a peak. Not that they really cared about that. They weren't doing anything scandalous. Well, not right now. But just as Isak thought that, Daniel pulled out a joint and a lighter from his pocket. “Wanna share?” he asked, a devilish grin on his face.  
  
Isak just nodded, and Daniel pulled his hand away from Isak’s, needing it to light the joint. Isak felt a weird sense of loss when Daniel pulled away. Like, it was painful, but not like anything he had felt before. It didn't hurt him like losing Even had, like his father leaving had, like his mother yelling at him had. It just left him feeling empty and alone, despite sitting next to the other boy.  
  
As he accepted the joint, he took in Daniel’s face. The ice-blue eyes. The angel-like hair. The warm and gentle smile. And then all the witty comments coming from his lips. And he started to wonder if maybe he was falling for this boy after all.  
  
But like he had just told Daniel; he wasn't ready for that. He would probably never be ready.  
  
He had to figure out who he was. Who Isak Valtersen was. Without Even Bech Næsheim. And the thought of that made him want to scream and cry. But after everything he had been through these past months, he was starting to believe that he might actually make it. He might actually find his way back, figure out a way to live without Even.  
  
  
———  


Their final show in London was even more crowded, if possible. It was as if they had tried to fit half of London in the arena. Which was big, but not big enough for so many people.   
  
Isak was currently peeking out on stage, watching Daniel’s band finishing up their set.   
  
“Alright guys, we have one more song and then we’ll give the stage to our tour-buddies!” Daniel said, making the crowd cheer loudly.  
  
Isak smiled. Daniel was getting better at being on stage for every show they played.  
  
  
“Ever wonder 'bout what he's doing

How it's all turned to lies

Sometimes I think that it's better,

To never ask why

 

Where there is desire, there is gonna be a flame

Where there is a flame, someone's bound to get burned

But just because it burns, doesn't mean you're gonna die

You gotta get up and try, and try, and try

Gotta get up and try, and try, and try

You gotta get up and try, and try, and try”  
  
  
  
Watching the other boy on stage, how his facial-expressions showed how deeply he meant every word he was singing, Isak realised that it hadn't been Daniel fucking up their friendship. It had been Isak. He had somehow without meaning to, managed to lead Daniel on. And now he had broken his heart, also without meaning to.   
  


 

“Funny how the heart can be deceiving

More than just a couple times

Why do we fall in love so easy

Even when it's not right

 

Where there is desire, there is gonna be a flame

Where there is a flame, someone's bound to get burned

But just because it burns, doesn't mean you're gonna die

You gotta get up and try, and try, and try

Gotta get up and try, and try, and try

You gotta get up and try, and try, and try”  
  
  
  
The case was, Isak could easily see himself dating someone like Daniel. Fun. Easy. A bit sarcastic. Just like himself. He could see them fit. He could see them being together.  
  
But Isak couldn't move on. He could never move on from this deep pain in his chest.  
  
In a parallel universe where he never met Even, maybe. But in this universe, having loved Even so deeply and then loosing him; Isak just couldn't see himself ever getting past that.   
  
He looked at Daniel and bit his lip. He wanted to apologise again, but what good would that do? Nothing. Apologies was just words. He would have to find a way to make it up to him instead. But how?  
  
He took a step backwards. You couldn't just unbreak someone’s heart by saying or doing anything. But he could make it easier on Daniel by staying away. At least as far as possible. They were on a tour after all, personal space was kind of not a thing that existed.  


 

“Ever worry that it might be ruined

And does it make you wanna cry

When you're out there doing what you're doing

Are you just getting by

Tell me are you just getting by, by, by

 

Where there is desire, there is gonna be a flame

Where there is a flame, someone's bound to get burned

But just because it burns, doesn't mean you're gonna die

You gotta get up and try, and try, and try

Gotta get up and try, and try, and try

You gotta get up and try, and try, and try”  
  
  


Isak turned around and walked down the hallway, back into the backstage room, and straight into the bathroom. He took a look in the mirror. Tried to calm down. Splashed some cold water in his face.   
  
Jonas came in, looking worried. “What’s up?”  
  
“Are you seriously following me into the bathroom?” Isak said.  
  
“Yeah… Sorry?” Jonas looked a bit uncomfortable, but didn’t show any signs of leaving. “What’s up?”  
  
“I think I fucked up.”  
  
“How?”  
  
“Can we take it after the show?” Isak bit his lip nervously, pleading Jonas with his eyes. They needed to focus right now. Isak needed to focus. He wasn't sure how he was going to do it, too many thoughts circulating in his mind right now. But Jonas seemed to catch on and Isak watched his friend nod.  
  
“Yup. We’re on in like five, are you ready?” Jonas asked.  
  
“Yeah. Yeah, I am.” Isak nodded hurriedly, and with another look in the mirror, he followed Jonas out of the bathroom.  
  
They walked back down the hallway, and stood next to the entrance, waiting for the other band to exit the stage. Jonas gave his shoulder a squeeze, and Isak smiled at him.  


 

You gotta get up and try, and try, and try

Gotta get up and try, and try, and try  
  
  
  
When Daniel walked past them, Isak didn't look at the other boy. He decided to keep his eyes glued to the floor and concentrate on the task ahead. He had a feeling Daniel looked at him, but he didn't look up to check if he was right. He would simply never know.  
  
They ran up on stage, and the crowd went wild even before they started playing. Isak found himself smiling. The cheers from the crowd wiped away all the negative and doubtful thoughts in his mind, leaving only the job ahead behind. He could do this at least, he could push away his problems and do this for an hour or two. He couldn't move on from Even. He would probably never be able to. But it was okay, because he could definitely do this.  
  
———  
  
  
The bus ride from London to Paris was less… fun. They rode in separate buses this time, and Isak tried to force himself to sleep. It was impossible, his thoughts racing a million miles an hour.   
  
He got out of the bed and walked over to where Jonas was sitting, playing around quietly on his guitar.   
  
“Hey.” Isak said quietly.  
  
“Hey bro. What’s up?”   
  
“Can’t sleep.”  
  
“Daniel?”  
  
“Did I fuck up Jonas?” Isak asked, feeling his voice breaking.  
  
Jonas put down his guitar and turned towards Isak, pulling him into a hug. Isak let himself relax against Jonas’ side, closing his eyes. It was comforting, but yet strange. Being this close to someone other than Even still felt off. But Jonas was his best friend and a hug was really nice right now. And back in first year at Nissen, he would have killed to be this close to Jonas. The irony made him smile. But only for a second. He was still waiting for Jonas to answer him. Tell him whether he fucked up or not.   
  
“Isak. I don’t know every word you two have said to each other, but I see how he looks at you. I see how much he has helped you. And I see a boy desperately in love with someone who only thinks of him as a friend. Maybe less than a friend too. I see someone pining for a person who will probably never return those feelings. If you lead him on or not isn't really the point here. Whether you fucked up or not, depends on how you told him off. If you let him down gently, then I don’t think you fucked it up. So did you? Let him down gently? Or were you harsh about it?”  
  
“I’m pretty sure I was gentle. I told him I couldn't do it, that the wounds were too fresh and it wouldn't be fair to either of us. He asked me if he had ruined the friendship, and I told him he hadn’t.”  
  
“Talk to him tomorrow. Make sure he knows that you still want to be friends. Let him be your friend. Be his friend.”  
  
“Thank you Jonas.”  
  
“Anytime.”  
  
“You knew, didn't you?”  
  
“Back then? Yeah. I always knew. I knew you were in love with me.”  
  
“Sorry.” Isak said, biting his lip, feeling himself blushing, not really knowing why he did. He had tried to be discrete about it, his feelings, knowing that Jonas was as straight as they come.   
  
“Don’t be. Don’t ever apologise for the way you're feeling Isak.”  
  
Jonas was truly an amazing friend. No matter what Isak had needed these past years, he had been there for him, helping him, supporting him. Taking care of him. Accepting him. Isak often wondered what he had done to deserve a friend like Jonas. A friend who always supported him, who never judged him. Except when he tried to kill himself, but in hindsight, he was realising the stupidity of it. Mikael’s words came to mind once again. ‘Would Even have wanted you to do this?’ And the answer would forever be no. Isak knew that. But he didn't know how to respond to what Jonas had just said. So he settled for “Okay.”  


“Anyway. i knew. Of course I knew. Which was why I was so happy about you meeting Even. It made me so happy knowing that you had found someone, someone so great, someone who loved you back. Because boy did he ever.” Jonas chuckled. “And you know what Isak? I really miss him too. And I know that it’s worse for you, and that I don’t really get to do this, but i do; I cry at night, because I miss him too.”  
  
Isak turned his head and looked up at Jonas, saw the tears pool in his eyes. He carefully reached up and dried the tears away. Looked into his friends eyes. “You’re just as allowed to feel pain as me Jonas. Just because he was my soulmate, doesn't mean you're not allowed to mourn the loss of your friend. Please don't feel like you're doing something wrong by being sad.”  
  
Jonas pulled him in tighter, and together they shared a moment i silence, comforting each other.  
  
And once again, Isak found himself praising the universe that he had been so lucky as to have ended up with a best friend like Jonas.  


 

 

 

 

**_———————-  
  
“We accept the love we think we deserve.” _ **

**_// Stephen Chbosky  
_**  


 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs used in this chapter:
> 
> \- Wings (Acoustic), Birdy
> 
> \- Try, Tyler Ward


	11. Chapter 11

 

 

 

 

**_"You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it.”_ **

**_// J.K. Rowling_ **

 

**_——————————-_ **

 

 

 

 

Isak was having a bad morning. The dreams about Even were so frequent now, he got little rest. And tonight they were going to preform in Paris. They had arrived late last night.   
  
Isak used to love it here. He used to love it because every time he went to visit this place, Even had come with him. It had been their favourite place to go for shooting movies and playing concerts. Or just for a weekend get away. A lot of weekend get aways. It was their town, their favourite place in the world.  
  
He had never been here without Even. And it felt so wrong to be here now, without him.   
  
Going down to breakfast with Jonas, he didn't even bother to go and get something to eat, he just sat down at a table and buried his head in his arms. A few minutes later someone placed a plate in front of him and sat down next to him. He was about to tell Jonas that he didn't want anything, but when he lifted his head he found Daniel next to him.  
  
“Uhm.” was all Isak managed.  
  
“I know you're probably not hungry but you need to eat something. And by the look on your face I guess you didn't sleep much. So I guess being here isn't good for you. And I want to help with that.”  
  
“How can you help?” Isak said, a dry laugh escaping his lips. No-one could help him, unless they could bring Even back.  
  
“I have an idea. But first your going to eat something. Then we are going outside. It’s sunny today. We’re going for a walk through Paris’ streets.”  
  
“No.” This was the one thing he couldn't do. The one thing he and Even always had done in Paris. Walking around for hours, admiring the city, Even photographing him in front of everything, always finding new paths to walk. He couldn't do that without Even, he didn't want to ruin the memories. And he didn't want to feel the pain he knew would come with walking those streets without his soulmate.  
  
“Yes.” Daniel challenged.  
  
“I can’t.”  
  
“You can. Just give it a try.”  
  
“I don’t want to. Paris was… It was something I had with Even.”  
  
“And it still is. You just have to get out there and let yourself feel it.”  
  
“How is feeling all that pain going to help me, pray tell?”  
  
“Just give it a try.” Daniel kept insisting. Those persistent icy blue eyes staring at Isak. And after their last conversation, Isak figured he needed to give Daniel a chance to be his friend instead.  
  
“Fine.”  
  
“And eat.”  
  
Isak just scowled at the other boy, but did as he asked. Because, why not? Right now, Isak was so tired and exhausted and heartbroken and devastated and he felt like he was dying. So what did he have to loose? After all, Daniel had been a great friend before the little incident in London which they had decided to put behind them now. He had really helped Isak along. Maybe he should trust him a little more?  
  
-  
  
Going outside, Isak felt like he couldn't breathe. He memories of him and Even, walking through Paris hand in hand, were suffocating him.  
  
Daniel noticed this and tried to distract him by talking about everything and nothing. From the beauty of a shop-sign to the design of a car passing them that he liked. They walked down narrow streets and through crowded areas. And Daniel chatted and Isak concentrated on breathing.  
  
“Why don’t you write any new songs Isak?” Daniel suddenly asked him.  
  
“I told you I can’t, Even was my-“  
  
“Muse. Yes. Why can’t he still be?”  
  
“He’s dead.” Saying the words was like slapping himself in the face. It fucking hurt.  
  
“But your memories of him isn’t. They live on forever.”  
  
“I wish they were. I wish they would have left me when he did. Maybe it wouldn't hurt so much.”  
  
“Use the hurt.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“Use the emotions you feel now. Write about the hurt, the pain. Pick memories of good and bad, and write songs about it.”  
  
“I can’t do it. I can’t survive that.” Isak deadpanned.   
  
“But you can, Isak. I know you can.” Daniel smiled at him.  
  
“How can you be so sure about everything?” Isak asked, a little annoyed and a bit curious.  
  
“Because you are kind of my hero. You built your career so young. You have acted in movies, sold albums, become a famous rock star. Then you lost your soulmate, and you're still breathing, moving, doing things. You are so unbelievably strong, and that makes me think you can do almost anything.”  
  
“You make things sound so much easier than they were.”  
  
Daniel backed off immediately. “Sorry. Not my intention.”  
  
“Apology accepted.” Isak waved a hand. It was fine. He didn't want to be annoyed at Daniel for this. He was just trying to cheer Isak up, it was fine. If he could just manage to breathe, it would be even more fine.  
  
“But you are. Strong I mean.”  
  
“I don’t feel strong.”  
  
“I know. I get it. But you seriously are. I mean, I can’t even being to imagine what you have been through.”  
  
They stopped. Daniel turned towards him.  
  
“Daniel, I really appreciate that you're trying to help me, but I simply can’t. It’s too painful. I’m not strong enough.”  
  
“Isak. Going through what you did, and coming out alive? It takes a strong person.” Daniel smiled. “And I get that being here is hard for you. But I dragged you out here so that you could see that you could do this. You are doing this. Look around.”  
  
And Isak did. They were standing by a fountain, and there was lots of people around them. But no-one recognised them, or if they did, they didn't bother them. Isak looked around. He had been here before, with Even. Eating ice-cream and tossing coins into the fountain. “I didn't realise we had gone this far…”  
  
“Told you. You could do this.”  
  
Isak swallowed hard. He had managed to go through Paris, without dying of emotional pain. They had probably been working for three hours, maybe even more. He had lost track of time.  
  
Daniel squeezed Isak’s shoulder, his eyes telling Isak that he had gotten an idea. Suddenly Daniel stepped a few steps backwards, climbed onto the ledge of the fountain, and Isak realised what he was going to do. Desperately Isak started shaking his head, but despite his efforts, Daniel begun singing.

 

“Don't give up

It's just the weight of the world

When your heart's heavy

I...I will lift it for you”  
  
Isak wished the ground would swallow him whole. People were looking at them curiously. They probably thought Daniel was serenading Isak. And maybe he was. But Isak was determined to not fall for it.  
  
Daniel was smiling at him, holding out a hand. Isak shook his head, refusing to grab it. Daniel then shrugged, and started walking along the ledge of the fountain.

 

“Don't give up

Because you want to be heard

If silence keeps you

I...I will break it for you”  
  
People had stopped talking now, everyone looking at Daniel, some started recognising him. Which meant they would probably recognise Isak as well. Isak tried to make himself small, blend in.   
  
He kept looking at Daniel, though. The boy had so much charm, charisma. He looked so comfortable and relaxed. He danced around on the ledge of the fountain, singing to the crowd, winking at a few girls.   
  
And Isak found himself agreeing with Magnus. Daniel was a lot like Even.  
  
Only he wasn't Even. Even was dead, gone forever.

 

“Everybody wants to be understood

Well I can hear you

Everybody wants to be loved

Don't give up

Because you are loved”  
  
Daniel walked a full circle around the fountain, and came back to where Isak was standing, jumped down, and walked straight over to him. Isak felt his breath get caught in his throat. Why did this boy have such an impact on him? He wasn't in love with him. His heart was still broken by the loss of Even. The wounds were still fresh and deep. But still, Daniel had this strange effect on him.

 

“Don't give up

It's just the hurt that you hide

When you're lost inside

I...I will be there to find you”  
  
Daniel grabbed his arm, and dragged him to the fountain, making him join him on the ledge. Isak tried to protest but Daniel was stronger than him. And so he caved.  
  
And when he was standing there on the ledge, looking carefully into Daniel’s eyes as the other boy sung, he couldn't stop himself from singing along. It was the song, the setting, the magic of music. He couldn't resist.

 

“Don't give up

Because you want to burn bright

If darkness blinds you

I...I will shine to guide you

 

Everybody wants to be understood

Well I can hear you

Everybody wants to be loved

Don't give up

Because you are loved”  
  
Their voices really did work out well together. He had thought about after their little jamming session on their way to London. He had been planning to ask the other boy if he wanted to do a song with him, on their final show, like a tribute to the tour, a final goodbye.   
  
But maybe he shouldn't wait for the end of the tour. Maybe they should do a few songs together. He looked at the crowd cheering them on. Girls squealing. People clapping. People smiling.  
  
He looked into Daniel’s ice blue eyes again. Felt his heart do a weird jump. 

 

“You are loved

Don't give up

It's just the weight of the world

Don't give up

Every one needs to be heard

You are loved”  
  
As they finished, people were clapping and yelling and Isak watched Daniel bow. Isak laughed, and showed the other boy playfully. Daniel grinned devilishly at him, and before Isak could process what was happening, Daniel had pushed him into the fountain. Well, more like pushed them both, seeing as Daniel lost his balance and fell down with him.  
  
Isak fought his way back to the surface, looked at Daniel in shock, gasping and rubbed some water out of his eyes before punching him in the shoulder. “Dick!” he laughed a little.  
  
“Why, thank you. Made you laugh, didn't I?” Daniel grinned devilish.  
  
“You did.”  
  
—-  
  
They walked back to the hotel, taking the fastest route this time. It wasn't that warm outside, being autumn, so they wanted to get back before they would catch a cold.  
  
“Today was actually pretty nice. Thank you.” Isak said.  
  
“You’re welcome.” Daniel smiled. “So, about writing songs…”  
  
“I’ll consider it.” Isak said.  
  
“Really?”  
  
“I don’t know if I can do it. So I won’t promise you that I’ll try. But I will think about it. About giving it a try.”  
  
“That’s great Isak. I’m proud of you.”  
  
“Proud of me? Aren't you like, younger than me?”  
  
“No. I’m a year older.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“I was born in September, 1998.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“Stop saying what.”  
  
“Sorry. I just imagined that you were younger than me.”  
  
“Well, I’m not. Anyway, we’re here.” Daniel said.  
  
And they were, the hotel was right in front of them. They walked through the lobby, getting a few awkward stares, and hurried to the elevators. They got in, and Daniel pushed the buttons to their different floors and hurried to push the close-doors button so they wouldn't have to stand in the elevator with strangers.   
  
“Again, thank you for today. Well, except the part where you almost drowned me by pushing me in a fountain. You do remember that I actually broke my back under a year ago?” Isak smiled, teasing Daniel a little. When the other boy paled, panic shining in his blue eyes, obviously not having thought about that, Isak just waved a hand. “No harm done. Really. Thank you for showing me that I could do it. Walk around Paris I mean. It was nice.”  
  
“Thank you for giving me the chance to show you that you could do it.” Daniel replied.  
  
“Yeah… I never thought I would be able to walk through Paris again, let alone sing here. This place has so many memories….” he tailed off.  
  
“And tonight you will know that you can, before walking onto that stage.”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
A silence fell between them. Isak found himself sneaking looks at Daniel. Once their eyes met, for just a few seconds. They shared a smile. Isak could see that Daniel wanted to say something, but just then, the elevator stopped at Daniel’s floor.  
  
“I’ll see you at the concert.” Daniel just said, and then he was gone, leaving Isak alone in the elevator, wondering what was going on with his head.  
  
When he walked into the room he was sharing with Jonas, he found Magnus and Mahdi there as well.   
  
“Dude, did you go for a fucking swim or something?” Mahdi laughed.  
  
“Not by choice.” Isak said, shrugging. “Daniel pushed me in a fountain.”  
  
“He what?” Magnus shrieked, then started laughing. “Oh my, I know you hate me for saying this, but that boy sure reminds me of someone.”  
  
“I know.” Isak simply said, before walking over to the bathroom to shower and change. “But I can’t go there Mags.” he added, before closing the bathroom door behind him.  
  
Once he was under the hot spray of the shower, his mind started to wander again. He thought about Daniel’s suggestion, to write songs from his memory, write about the pain he felt. To put his feelings down on paper.  
  
A month ago, he wouldn't even have been able to think about it.   
  
Today, he found himself wanting to give it a try.  
  
  
——-  
  
  
He had voiced the idea with the boys after the shower, and they were all for it. They promised to come up with the music if he could write the lyrics. Isak found himself having ideas already. But right now wasn't the time. They had a concert in a few hours.   
  
Still, between getting dressed and having to leave, he found himself sitting down and scribbling down some lyrics. And by the time they were leaving for the venue, he had the outline of not only one, but two songs, written down.  
  
They arrived at the venue, and met Daniel and his bandmates backstage. Isak decided to stay away from the other boy for the night, needing some space to sort through his thoughts. If he managed to actually write anything, he would thank the other boy. And he was going to thank him again for today, making him forgetting his nerves and making him believe in himself again.   
  
Actually, he owed Daniel a lot. Ever since they had started on this journey, ever since they had started the tour, Daniel had helped him. With words of encouragement, with techniques to get through the hard parts. Daniel had been a friend to him, even when Isak had turned him away and told him he would never be able to love him. Daniel had stayed.  
  
But Isak was, and would always be, in love with Even.  
  
-

 

The next morning, Isak got up early and kept working on one of the songs. The one he felt was easiest to write. The one he felt like his heart could take right now. He was nearly done with the lyrics when Jonas crawled out of bed at noon.  
  
Jonas peeked over his shoulder and started reading, and Isak let him. Getting pulled into a hug, he heard Jonas whisper “That’s really good Isak.” in his ear.  
  
Jonas realised him from the hug and went to pick up his guitar, started playing around with it, while Isak tried to find the rhythm the song had in his head.   
  
When they had to take a break so they wouldn't starve to death, Jonas suggested to bring in Magnus and Mahdi, go to the venue early and try it on stage. Like, not for tonight’s concert, but to try how it felt on a stage. Isak agreed with a small smile.  
  
Down at the eating area, they met Daniel, who looked troubled for some reason.  
  
“You didn't answer your phone.” he said as Isak and Jonas sat down at his table.  
  
“It was on mute” Isak said, shrugging. “What’s up?”  
  
“Our drummer, Tobias, managed to get food poisoning.”  
  
“Oh fuck.”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“Oh fuck what?” they heard Magnus’ voice behind them. He and Mahdi sat down at the table too, looking like they had slept until now. They probably had.  
  
“Their drummer has food poisoning.” Jonas explained.  
  
“Oh, agreed, fuck.” Magnus nodded.  
  
“I can’t do two sets, my fingers will die.” Mahdi said, throwing Daniel an apologetic look. “Sorry bro.”

 

“Don’t worry about it. This is our mess. Thanks for caring though.” Daniel replied.  
  
“How about if we both shorten our setlist? And we can throw in a few of the acoustic ones, where all we need is the guitar?” Isak suggested, stealing a strawberry from Daniel’s untouched plate as he spoke. He felt too lazy to go and get some food himself.  
  
Everyone was looking at him for a minute, probably thinking how they could manage to make it work, before they started nodding.   
  
“That’s actually a great idea. But then we need to get some practice done, so Mahdi has a chance to learn our songs.” Daniel said, pushing his plate over to Isak. It was filled with food, so he had probably been waiting for Isak to come down, and already eaten himself. Isak smiled a thank you and started eating.  
  
“Yeah, me and Isak was going to suggest going over to the venue to practice anyway, we have spent the morning trying to write a new song.” Jonas mumbled.  
  
“What?!” Magnus shirked.  
  
“Really?” Mahdi smiled brightly.  
  
“That’s awesome.” Daniel piped in.  
  
Isak looked up, locked eyes with Daniel and smiled. “It really is.”  
  
—-  
  
Seeing as they had to practice both band’s setlist, there wasn't much time for the new song. But since everyone, that included Daniel’s bandmates, was dying to hear the new song, they squeezed in about thirty minutes for it. Jonas and Isak had already sorted out the guitar part, and the rhythm, so all they needed was the bass and the drums and Magnus and Mahdi was really good at making things up as they went.  
  
The song was sounding amazing. Isak felt amazing, being on stage, singing it, feeling it. Even without a crowd. It was magical.  
  
An hour before the show was starting, they had to take a break to shower and eat, and the security was going to start letting people in anyway. He walked back to the backstage room with Daniel.   
  
“So, what did you think?” Isak asked nervously.  
  
“Seriously? You're asking my opinion?” Daniel laughed, pretending to be shocked. He checked behind himself to make sure Isak wasn't talking about anyone else, making Isak laugh and punch him lightly in the shoulder.  
  
“I ask your opinion on a lot. Your my friend. Let’s have the verdict.”   
  
“It was magical. Awesome, pure awesome. Seriously Isak, it was really great.”  
  
“Thank you. And thank you for pushing me.”  
  
“Yeah, well, sometimes everyone needs a little push.”  
  
“Or a large push. Into a fountain.”  
  
“Or that.” Daniel laughed, as they walked into the backstage room, finding that someone had already ordered pizza.   
  
They at down, and joined their friends. Isak looked around at everyone. His friends. If anyone had told him a couple of months ago, that he would be sitting here, with these people, eating pizza and feeling happy, he wouldn't have believed it.  
  
But he was. Sitting here. Eating pizza. Feeling happy.  
  
-  
  
Even if they had done every acoustic song they had (apart from the ones Isak simply couldn't do) to drag it out, the setlist was much shorter than their original setlist. And now the crowd was screaming for an encore. Isak walked of stage, and straight into Daniel’s chest.   
  
“Whoah!” Isak said, backing away quickly.  
  
“Sorry.”  
  
“It’s fine.”  
  
“Do the new song.” Daniel said, staring Isak straight in the eye.   
  
“What?”   
  
“Do the new song. It’s great. It’s perfect. Do it.”  
  
“We have practiced it for like 30 minutes.”  
  
“He’s right Isak.” Mahdi said from behind him. Isak turned around to see all three of his friends standing there. “I can do one more song. And if we give them a new song, that would probably stop them from being angry about our short setlist today.” Mahdi continued.  
  
“And it’s fucking great.” Magnus supplied.  
  
“It’s up to you.” Jonas said.   
  
Isak looked at the three of them, and then looked back at Daniel, who nodded and smiled. Could he do this? He had done it before. Made up a song on the spot. But then he had Even, standing on the sidelines, cheering him on.   
  
But maybe he still had that. Maybe Even was still watching him from the sidelines, Isak just couldn't see him. And maybe he could do it anyway.  
  
He decided to take a leap of faith. “Okay.”  
  
“Okay?” Jonas questioned, giving him another chance to back out.  
  
“Let’s do it.” Isak confirmed, and started walking back on stage. He turned around, walked backwards a few steps and looked at Daniel. “You better watch.” he smiled, then laughed, and turned back around, ran on stage, the cheers from the crowd so loud he couldn't hear his own thoughts.  
  
He grabbed the mic, and looked at the crowd. It was enormous. “Hey guys.” he started. Another cheer. “So, we have one more song for you tonight. It is a new song, we wrote it this morning. As most of you know, I lost my husband right before christmas. And I didn't want to go back to this lifestyle. But my best friend Jonas wouldn't let me quit. And another great friend of mine pushed me into a fountain yesterday to make me realise I still have it. So I wrote a new song, and we haven't practiced it a lot, but we’re going to play it for you anyway.”  
  
He turned around, nodded at his friends. They started playing. He looked towards the sidelines. Saw Daniel standing where Even used to stand. Felt some comfort knowing he stood there. Grabbed the mic tighter. Started singing.

 

 

“I come back to the places where we found us

We're somewhere in a place between love and lust

 

And I could go anywhere, anywhere is home

Yeah I could go anywhere, never feel alone

I come back to the places where we found us, yeah”  
  
  
That was the feeling Even had given him. The feeling of home. No matter where they went, no matter where they was, he felt like home, as long as he was in Even’s arms. 

 

 

“When I'm not with you, I'm not me

Nothing ever feels good

When I'm not with you

I'm not in control of what I do, it's not me

When I'm not with you, I'm not me

Nothing ever feels good

When I'm not with you

I'm not in control of what I do, it's not me

When I'm not with you

 

When I'm not with you, it's not me

When I'm not with you”  
  
And it was true. Isak had lost control of himself without Even. Even had been his whole life. His everything. And Isak didn't know how to live without him. Didn't know how to be Isak without Even.   
  
But somehow, these past couple of weeks, he had realised that maybe he knew after all. Because he was doing it. He was getting out of bed, without Even, every morning. He was traveling with his bandmates. He was getting on that stage every night. He was going to bed every night, without Even.   
  
He was dreaming about him every night, but it wasn't nightmares. It was good memories, combined with new impressions. Did they make him cry? Yes. Did it hurt? Yes. Could he handle it? Yes. He could.

 

 

“I come back to the places where we found us

I come back, I come back

 

I'm not me, I'm not me, no

Nothing ever feels good

When I'm not with you

I'm not in control of what I do, it's not me

When I'm not with you, I'm not me

Nothing ever feels good

When I'm not with you

I'm not in control of what I do, it's not me, no no no

When I'm not with you

 

When I'm not with you, it's not me

When I'm not with you”  
  
The crowd was giving him the response he was craving. They were on fire. The band was on fire. Isak was on fire. No, it wasn't their best song ever. It wasn't the deepest song he had written. No where near it. But it had come from the heart.   
  
From his heart. His broken, shattered to pieces, bleeding heart. And as he sang the words, as he felt them deep inside his bones. In his bleeding heart. In his soul. He felt inspiration fill him. He could do this. He could keep doing this.   


 

“When I'm not with you, I'm not me

Nothing ever feels good

When I'm not with you

I'm not in control of what I do

 

When I'm not with you

When I'm not with you, it's not me

When I'm not with you”

 

 

When they exited the stage, the crowd yelling, cheering, jumping up and down, Isak felt so alive, for a minute he couldn't believe why he would ever have considered dying, leaving this life behind. But then he walked right into Daniel, green eyes meeting icy-blue, and he was reminded of the pain.  
  
Of loosing Even.  
  
Of being left alone.  
  
Reminded that he was broken.  
  
And his knees caved under him.  
  
And he cried.

 

And everything suddenly went dark.

 

 

 

 

 

**_————————_ **

 

**_“Some old wounds never truly heal, and bleed again at the slightest word.”_ **

**_// George R.R. Martin_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs in this chapter:
> 
> \- You are loved, Josh Groban
> 
> \- Places, Martin Solveig


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so horribly sorry about the long wait for updates both on this and "When The World Comes Crashing Down"!!
> 
> I have been so unbelievably busy, I haven't had a single second to write. Therefore I can only update this story right now, as it is already written, just needed some proofreading. 
> 
> I will work on WTWCCD soon, I promise!

 

 

**How long will I love you**

**As long as stars are above you**

**And longer if I may  
  
// How Long Will I Love You - Ellie Goulding**

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He was running through the streets of Paris again. He was running after a tall blonde boy. Maybe it was Daniel? From afar it looked like it. But he wasn't sure. He needed to get closer.  
  
“Wait up!” he yelled, and was met with laughter.   
  
He ran faster.   
  
Slowly but surely, he managed to gain on the person running in front of him. Just as he was about to grab the boy’s arm, they entered the open place with the fountain, the one Daniel had pushed him into. The one he and Even had eaten ice-cream by.  
  
And he grabbed the boy’s arm. And they both stopped. And the boy turned around.  
  
And it wasn't Daniel.  
  
It was Even.  
  
“Even.” He said, out of breath.  
  
“Hey babe.” Even smiled at him.  
  
“You’re not real. This isn't real.” Isak whispered, a tear falling down his cheek.  
  
“Ouch.” Even laughed at him. His laugh was so perfect sounded so realistic. His face looked so real. Isak touched it, felt it beneath his hand, let his fingers trace along Even’s cheekbone. Looked into the deep blue-grey eyes. Stroke his fingers through the soft blond hair. It looked, felt and smelled like Even.  
  
But he wasn't real. Because Even was dead.  
  
“You died. You died and you left me alone. I’m alone.” Isak said, his voice breaking, more tears falling, his hand falling slowly down, landing on Even’s shoulder.  
  
“Baby. I’m sorry. I wish I could change it. But I can’t. No-one can. But you can do this. You're strong Isak. You're so strong baby.” Even said, brushed Isak’s hair out of his face and put his arms around him.  
  
And it felt so very real. And Isak broke down.  
  
“You can do this Isak.” Even whispered in his ear.   
  
“I wish I hadn't told you to come home Even. I wish I hadn't nagged about that vacation. I wish you wouldn't have been driving in the rain. I wish I had told you I loved you.”  
  
“Somethings can’t be changed. One of those is the past. So hoping for the past to change won’t do anyone any good. You can’t change what happened, you can just learn from it and move on.”  
  
“I don’t want to move on. I can’t move on Even.”  
  
“But baby, don’t you see, you’re already doing it.”  
  
And after a split second of confusion, looking back at the past months, Isak realised he was right. Isak was moving actually on. With ever breath, every step, every minute, he was moving on.  
  
And it hurt, but he knew he had to.  
  
“I don’t want to forget you.” he whispered brokenly, holding on to Even with everything he had, looking into those deep blue eyes.  
  
“You never will Isak. I’ll be with you forever. Inside your heart. In your memories. I’ll stay there forever.”  
  
“I miss you Even.”  
  
“I miss you too. But now you have to wake up.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“Wake up Isak. Open your eyes.”  
  
“But I’m awake?”  
  
“Wake up.”  
  
“But-“  
  
“OPEN YOUR EYES!”  
  
And Isak did.  
  
And looked right into Daniel’s icy-blue ones. Next to him, Jonas deep green ones. Both looking worried and panicked. 

  
Isak tried to sit up, but the world started spinning and he had to lie back down.  
  
“Easy there.” Jonas said, putting a hand on his chest.  
  
“What happened?”  
  
“You fainted. Daniel carried you in here. We’re backstage.”  
  
Fainted? Isak didn't faint. He had never ever fainted before. “How long was I out?”  
  
“Five minutes or so. We were about to call an ambulance, jesus christ Isak.” Jonas sounded really worried.  
  
“Sorry. I don’t know what happened.” He honestly didn’t.  
  
“Maybe you didn't drink enough water.” Daniel suggested, stopping Jonas’ rant about going to the hospital.  
  
“Probably. Please, no hospital. I feel fine Jonas. More than fine.” he sat up, slower this time. The dizziness was gone. He was really feeling fine.  
  
He was more than fine.   
  
He was feeling like there was hope. He was feeling alive. He knew that it had just been a dream, but right now he felt like he had gotten closure. The closure he had needed.  
  
And it was time to move on.  
  
“I want to go out. Celebrate.” he said.  
  
The room fell silent.  
  
“Are you sure about that?” Jonas asked carefully.  
  
“You don’t think alcohol would be bad?” Magnus supplied.  
  
“I feel better. I promise. I want to celebrate tonight. We did a new song. Come on guys.” Isak smiled, got on his feet with the help from Daniel and walked up and down the length of the room a couple of times, proving he was okay. “I will tell you if I feel sick, I promise.”  
  
“Or if it’s too much.” Jonas added, still sceptical.  
  
Isak grabbed his friend’s arm, and looked him deeply into the eyes, tried to tell with his eyes what he didn't want to say out loud with other people listening. “I’m fine. I promise.”  
  
“Okay.” Jonas caved.  
  
“Okay?”  
  
“Okay! We’re going out people!”  
  
The room was filled with cheers, and in less than one hour, they were all showered, changed, and piled into cabs. Isak conveniently ended up in a cab with Daniel and Jonas. Both of which waited for an explanation.   
  
“Well?” Daniel asked.  
  
“Spill.” Jonas added.  
  
Isak made a face, considered lying. But why not just tell them the truth? They would either call him crazy, or believe him. Worst case scenario, they would force him to go to the hospital. So he told them. About the dream, who wasn't really a dream because it felt so real. About what Even had said. About how real it had felt.  
  
The other boys stayed silent for a while. Exchanged looks. Looked back at him.  
  
“Guys? I know it wasn't real. I just said it felt real. But I know it wasn’t. Still, I feel better. It made me feel better.”  
  
“The brain knows how to protect itself. It works in mysterious ways.” Jonas just said, and Daniel nodded.  
  
“What Even said in your.. dream or whatever.. was probably something he would have said, or something you think he would have said because you know him well enough to know what he would be thinking, saying, feeling.” Daniel reasoned.  
  
Isak just nodded. He knew this already. It still didn't explain the fainting. He had plenty of water throughout the show. He was well hydrated. Maybe it had just been too overwhelming.  
  
Maybe he would never know.  
  
He was fine with that.  
  
-  
  
Of all the places they could have picked, they ended up in a karaoke bar. Which Isak found ironic, because they were trying to blend in, without being caught by crazy fans.  
  
On second hand, he didn't care. He happily posed with the fans who recognised them, and smiled for photos. Both Isak and Daniel declined requests to sing, they wanted to rest their voices.   
  
The rest of their bands sang a lot. Isak sat with Daniel, drank one drink, really slowly, and enjoyed the evening. Enjoyed the buzz of the alcohol. Enjoyed the energy of being out.  
  
“So, how about writing more songs Isak? You know, diving into those emotions you have been bottling up and putting them on paper?” Daniel asked when they had a minute alone.  
  
“I think I will.” Isak smiled. He then got an idea. “I have a favour to ask.”  
  
“Which is?”  
  
“I have this song… Well, actually two songs. They are not mine, but they are dear to me. But I can’t listen to them, or sing them. I was wondering if you could help me, like you helped me that day you had to be my suicide watch.”  
  
“Of course I can. You know I would say yes no matter what you ask of me, right?”  
  
“Yes. And that is kind of unfair to you. And I know it is. But like I said in London, I don’t know if I can ever stop loving Even, or love anyone like I’ve loved him.”  
  
“I can live with that, you know. I can live with you loving another man more than me. I can.”  
  
“Daniel…”  
  
“Just… Think about it, please?”  
  
He had been. Thinking about it. He had been thinking about it these past few days. Well, that’s a lie. He had been thinking about it ever since London. And he would keep thinking about it. And he knew what he had said then was true. He would never love anyone like he loved Even, and he needed to figure out who Isak Valtersen was, alone.  
  
“Daniel-“  
  
“Don’t answer me now.” the other singer said, before getting to his feet. “Be right back.”  
  
Then he left Isak sitting by the table alone, in shock. Daniel walked over to the DJ, and spoke with the man. And next thing Isak knew, Daniel was on stage, a mic in hand. He didn't introduce himself - he didn't need to. The music started, and Daniel started to sing.  
  
  
“When darkness falls

And surrounds you 

When you fall down 

When you're scared

And you're lost

Be brave

I'm coming to hold you now 

When all your strength has gone 

And you feel wrong

Like your life has slipped away”

  
  
It was unlike the songs Daniel usually did, but it was soooo good. Isak found himself leaning forward, mesmerised by Daniel’s voice.  
  
“Obvious much?” he heard a voice by his ear and turned around to meet Jonas’ face.   
  
“What?” Isak said, pretending to not knowing what Jonas was talking about.  
  
“Isak, it’s fine. You're allowed to feel, you know.”  
  
“I'm still in love with Even.” Isak countered, biting his lower lip. He knew what Jonas wanted him to say, do. But he just couldn’t.

  
“I know. So does he. But maybe you could give him a chance? Not right now, but eventually? He seems like a really cool guy, and you obviously like him.”  
  
“I do.” Just not as much as he liked Even. He would never like, or love, anyone ever again, the way he loved Even. But maybe that was okay. “But I think I want to stay just friends.”  
  
He looked back on the stage, at Daniel, who was looking straight at him.  


 

“Follow me

You can follow me 

And I will not desert you now 

When your fire's died out 

No one's there 

They have left you for dead 

 

Follow me

You can follow me 

I will keep you safe 

Follow me

You can follow me

I will protect you”  
  
And he found himself believing what Daniel was singing. Because he realised that Daniel was singing to him. He had picked this song to tell him that he would be by Isak’s side no matter what. Whether they only remained friends or became more, he knew Daniel would stay by his side through everything.  
  
Just like Even had.  
  
Just like Jonas had.  
  
He wasn't alone.  
  
He had people. And people need people.

 

 

“I won't let them hurt

They're hurting you, no

Ooh yeah

When your heart is breaking 

 

You can follow me

You can follow me

I will always keep you safe

Follow me

You can trust in me

I will always protect you, my love

 

Feel my love

Feel my love”  


  
And maybe, just maybe Jonas was right. Maybe Isak could give Daniel a chance.  
  
As Daniel walked over to the table again, Isak slipped away to the bar, and ordered himself another drink. He wanted to be drunk tonight. He wanted to live in the moment a little longer. He wanted to feel the happiness he had felt on stage and after the dream about Even a while longer. He wanted to feel alive.  
  
He was getting there. He was moving on. He would carry Even with him forever. But the pain was starting to lessen it’s hold on him. And he could breathe again.  
  


—

 

 

As they got back on the road the next morning, Isak decided to join Daniel in their bus instead of riding in his own. Jonas, Mahdi and Magnus was just going to sleep anyway, and Daniel had proposed that they could help each other work on some songs.  
  
Isak knew how to play a little guitar, and right now they were sitting in the living room part of Daniel’s bus, each with a guitar and a notepad, playing around on the guitars and writing down lyrics.  
  
Isak had decided to write from his dream/hallucination of Even. The words had been going over and over and over in his head. And even if these lyrics was painful to write, they were from the heart. So while painful, they had come easily. He just needed to find the right melody.   
  
“You getting anywhere?” Daniel’s voice broke through his thoughts.   
  
“With the lyrics, yes, but the melody? No.”  
  
“Can you picture it in your head?”  
  
“Sort of. I’m trying right now. What about you?”  
  
“Getting there, slowly.”  
  
“That’s good.”  
  
The silence resumed. Isak sneaked a few peeks at Daniel. He looked so focused, his brow furrowed and his tongue peeking out slightly in concentration. He was really cute.  
  
Why was he thinking thoughts like that?  
  
He shook his head slightly, bit his lip to stifle a laugh.  
  
“What?” Daniel asked.  
  
“Nothing.”  
  
“Why are you laughing.”  
  
“I’m not!” Isak laughed. Okay, he was laughing. “Okay so maybe I am. You're just so adorable with your tongue poking out..”  
  
“Adorable? Ouch, not the look I was going for.” Daniel laughed with him, his eyes glittering with happiness.   
  
Their laughter slowly died out, and Isak suddenly realised he knew just how he wanted the song to go. He placed his hands softly on the guitar and started playing. Daniel smiled at him, nodding his head in acknowledgement. Isak just started singing.

 

 

“Step one, you say, "We need to talk."

He walks, you say, "Sit down. It's just a talk."

He smiles politely back at you

You stare politely right on through

Some sort of window to your right

As he goes left and you stay right

Between the lines of fear and blame

You begin to wonder why you came

 

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life”  
  


It was a combination of what Even had said and everything that Jonas had been saying ever since he ended up in the hospital. Every conversation he had overheard between his parents, his friends, his doctors, Lisa and Anders and basically everyone.   
  
It was about Even and it was about Isak. It was about his mother. It was about the friends he had lost over the years. It was about his fans. And it was about no-one in particular. It was his feelings, on paper.  


 

“Let him know that you know best

'Cause after all you do know best

Try to slip past his defence

Without granting innocence

Lay down a list of what is wrong

The things you've told him all along

Pray to God, he hears you

And I pray to God, he hears you”  
  


But mostly it was about Isak and Even. Even and Isak. Together and apart. About them. About Isak losing Even. About Isak failing Even previously. Isak had been by Even’s side for ten years, but twice he had failed him, twice when it had really mattered.   
  
The day Even went manic and he had just believed Sonja’s harsh words, sent Even that harsh text and the result? Even tried to kill himself.   
  
And the day Even died. Even had tried to fix things. Isak had blown it off. His last words had been “I don’t think so Even” and then he had just hung up. And it was the one thing he wished he could take back. He wished so badly he could go back and redo their last conversation. Told Even he loved him back. He wanted to go back just to tell him he loved him.

 

 

“And where did I go wrong? I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

 

As he begins to raise his voice

You lower yours and grant him one last choice

Drive until you lose the road

Or break with the ones you've followed

He will do one of two things

He will admit to everything

Or he'll say he's just not the same

And you'll begin to wonder why you came

 

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

 

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

 

How to save a life”  
  
  
He would have to live with the regret for the rest of his life.   
  
But he would have a life. And Even would forever be part of that life, even if he wasn't here anymore. He was a part of Isak. A part he would get to keep forever.  
  
He put down the guitar. Looked at Daniel. Saw the enormous smile on his face. And Isak just didn't care about what was right and what was wrong. He walked over to the other boy and hugged him. Tightly.   
  
And Daniel hugged him right back.  


  
——  


  
They didn't talk about the hug. They kind of broke apart as the bus stopped, Isak gathered his things and walked of the bus and into his own.  
  
Showed his bandmates the new song. They loved it.  
  
And from then, a kind of routine would begin.  
  
Every morning the bands ate breakfast together. They either did sightseeing or band practice after breakfast, and then they played shows. Everyone, together, all the time. Isak wasn't doing it on purpose - avoiding to spend any time alone with Daniel. But he wasn't trying to get the other boy alone either.  
  
He didn't know how he felt about him.  
  
If he felt anything for him that was. Well, that was a lie. He felt something. It was just drowning in the sea of emotions for Even.  
  
So he just stayed away until he could figure out what he wanted.  
  
Their schedule had been carefully planned. They had already been in Sweden, Denmark, Germany, the Netherlands, Belgium, England and now France. They had done Paris. Which left:  
  


 

**BORDEAUX:**  


“Hey now, this is my desire

Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful

To touch me, I know that I'm in reach

'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful

Oh, something beautiful"  
  
-  
  
Daniel cornered him for five seconds when he went of stage.   
  
“Your new song was amazing. You were amazing tonight.”  
  
And all Isak managed to say before Jonas, Mahdi and Magnus came running behind him, pulling him with them was a breathless “Thanks.” before letting the boys drag him along to celebrate.  
  


 

  
**MADRID:**  
  
  
“We are young, we are one

Let us shine for what it's worth

To your place, place, place

We're on our way, way, way

We're on our way, way, way

We're on our way

Hold me close

We're losing time

Hold me close

We're falling to the ground”  


  
The adrenaline rush was so great. They had turned the setlist around a little tonight, played the deeper, more sad and slow songs at the beginning, ending with a more energy filled song. And Isak was on fire! Nothing could bring him down.   
  
… except Daniel’s pining look when they reentered the backstage room.   
  
Isak forced himself to look away and answered “Hell yeah!” when Jonas proposed a night on the town. They were staying in a hotel here tonight, the bus not leaving until tomorrow night.   
  
This time they didn't go with the other band, because all of them turned down the invitation, wanting to catch up on sleep instead. Isak didn't need sleep. He was on fire. He was so full of energy, he could stay awake for days!  
  
… or just a few more hours. He had a vague memory of being carried home at four in the morning by Jonas? Or was it Magnus?  
  
He woke up in the bed next to Jonas, and immediately had to run to the bathroom to throw up. He could hear Jonas laughing inside the room. “Piss off!” Isak yelled at him.  
  
By the time his hangover had cleared, they were leaving for Barcelona. He practically crawled abroad his bus, up the stairs and collapsed on his bunk.  
  
“Isak?” Magnus asked from the bunk across of him.  
  
“Mhm.”  
  
“I think you should give Daniel a chance, like, romantically.”  
  
“What the fuck? What brought this on Mags?”  
  
“I’m just saying. You like him. He likes you. He even inspired you to start writing songs again. Just saying.” Magnus was shrugging. Then he turned around, and within seconds, he started snoring. How was it even possible?  
  
Isak turned over in his bed and looked out the window at the passing landscape. Okay, so maybe Magnus had a point. Why not give Daniel a chance? He wouldn't actually know if he was ready or not until he tried it, right?  
  
Or maybe this was just his hungover brain talking and he should get some more sleep. Sounded reasonable.  
  
  
  
  
**BARCELONA:**  


“So this is what you meant

When you said that you were spent

And now it's time to build from the bottom of the pit, right to the top

Don't hold back

Packing my bags and giving the Academy a rain check”  
  
  
He had actually written this song when he and Even was in the process of moving back to Norway. They had started their lives in California, Even and Isak had both gotten job opportunities over there. But Even wanted to go home so badly, and Isak didn't mind as long as he was with Even. And then, in the middle of planning and pacing and talking to his friends on skype, the idea of the band formed. And so this ended up being their first song.   
  


 

“I don't ever want to let you down

I don't ever want to leave this town

Cause after all

This city never sleeps at night”  
  


Isak had grown to love California. He loved the places, the people, the food, the atmosphere. He loved all of it. But it was one thing he loved more, and that was Even. And Even wasn't happy there anymore. He was homesick. He missed Oslo and his family. Isak didn't miss how crappy his life had been in Oslo, the only good thing about it was Even. He didn't miss his messed up family or the awful weather in Norway.   
  
But Even did. And Isak wanted Even to be happy too. So yeah, maybe he didn't love the idea right away. But then the band came together and Isak’s career was taking off and he was marrying the man of his dreams and things were perfect.  


 

“It's time to begin, isn't it?

I get a little bit bigger but then I'll admit

I'm just the same as I was

Now don't you understand

I'm never changing who I am”  
  
  
But maybe he could go back now. The only thing holding him in Oslo was his parents, Lisa and Anders. But Lisa and Anders had each other, they would be okay. His own parents would be okay. As long as Jonas, Mahdi and Magnus was okay with leaving with him, he could.   
  
After the show, as they were eating pizza on the bus, he approached the subject.  
  
“Guys? After this tour..”  
  
And he could see them all tense. Because, right, why wouldn't they. He had been so damn amendment on dying. How could he even have forgotten for a second. Shit.  
  
“Relax. I’m fine. Promise. But when we come home from the tour, I kind of want to move.”  
  
“Yeah, you kind of have to, seeing as you sold your apartment.” Jonas said, shrugging. “You can live with me?”   
  
“Yeah, or with us?” Mahdi suggested, taking another slice of pizza.  
  
“No, I mean, I want to move away from Oslo. Back to California.”  
  
The boys fell completely silent. Exchanged looks back and forwards. Then all of them shrugged.  
  
“We’re in.”  


 

  
  
**LYON:**  
  


“When the days are cold

And the cards all fold

And the saints we see

Are all made of gold

 

When your dreams all fail

And the ones we hail

Are the worst of all

And the blood’s run stale

 

I wanna hide the truth

I wanna shelter you

But with the beast inside

There’s nowhere we can hide”  
  


He had written this song while sitting by Even’s hospital bed one night. He had gone manic without Isak realising and in the middle of the night he snuck out of bed and went out for a run. Only he ended up running on the highway. He didn't get hit by a car, the police picked him up and he was fine. But as soon as he realised what had happened he fell deep, deeper than ever before. Because it had been such a long time since this had happened, and Even had started to believe he had control. But he didn’t. He would never have completely control. And it killed him inside.  
  
And Isak sat there, in a chair next to his husband’s bed, watching him sleep with that distressed look on his face. And it killed him inside. And so he started writing this song.  
  
This song about Even. About his demons, about how _he_ felt. 

 

 

“No matter what we breed

We still are made of greed

This is my kingdom come

This is my kingdom come

 

When you feel my heat

Look into my eyes

It’s where my demons hide

It’s where my demons hide

Don’t get too close

It’s dark inside

It’s where my demons hide

It’s where my demons hide”  
  
  
And he hadn't been able to sing this song since Even died. Like a lot of songs. He had a lot of songs he couldn't sing after Even’s death. But the list was growing shorter. He had started with being unable to sing a single word. Now he could do it. He could breathe, think, sing, dance, party, joke, be happy. He could be happy.  
  
He was happy.  


 

  
  
**BERN:**  
  


“When you fall like a statue

I'm gon' be there to catch you

Put you on your feet, you on your feet.

And if your well is empty

Not a thing will prevent me.

Tell me what you need, what do you need?

 

I surrender honestly.

You've always done the same for me.

 

So I would do it for you, for you.

Baby, I'm not moving on,

I'll love you long after you're gone.

For you, for you.

You will never sleep alone.

I'll love you long after you're gone

And long after you're gone, gone, gone.

 

You're my back bone.

You're my cornerstone.

You're my crutch when my legs stop moving.

You're my head start.

You're my rugged heart.

You're the pulse that I've always needed.

Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating.”  
  
  
-  
  
“Isak?” Magnus asked, startling the singer from his slumber.  
  
“Magnus.” Isak answered before stretching and rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.   
  
“You haven't written anything in a few weeks now.”  
  
“I know.”  
  
“Why not?”  
  
“I don’t have ideas all the time Magnus.”  
  
“But do you notice that ever since you stopped hanging out with Daniel-“  
  
“Magnus. Stop it.”  
  
“As your friend Isak; No. I won’t. You are so much happier around him. Now, you're only happy on stage or when you're drunk. But a few weeks ago, when you hung out with Daniel, you were on the road to becoming happy again. What happened, why did you stop hanging out with him?”  
  
“Magnus, this is none-“  
  
“Of my business? But it is. I’m your friend. And as your friend I am concerned.”  
  
“We hugged.”  
  
“And?”  
  
“And after what happened in London and me telling him no when he confessed his feelings for me, it’s kind of awkward.”  
  
“Did you feel anything for him then?”  
  
“No.”  
  
“Do you now?”  
  
“Maybe? I’m not sure.” Isak bit his lip. He knew he was feeling something for Daniel. He was just not sure what it was and how deep it went, seeing as it was drowned out by his feelings for Even.  
  
“Then give him a chance. Figure out your feelings Isak. You won’t figure them out until you try.”  
  
He knew Magnus was right.  
  
  
  
**MILAN:**  
  
“And if somebody's going to make it

Then this somebody ought to be you

And if somebody's going to fake it

Then this somebody, somebody is you

If it's me that was going to take it

Then I know that it wouldn't be straight

And I keep telling my reflection

Ambitions are already starting to fade”  
  
-  
  
Walking of stage that night, Isak felt relieved. They were heading to Rome the next day, but they were going to have three days off before any more shows. He needed those three days. To get drunk, get sleep and maybe he could write another song.  
  
As he started walking down the corridor leading to the backstage room, he felt someone pull on his arm. He turned around, coming face to face with Daniel.  
  
“Hey.” Isak said.  
  
“Hey back.” Daniel smiled. The smile didn't reach his eyes. “Why are you avoiding me?”  
  
“I’m not?”  
  
“Isak, come on…”  
  
Isak squirmed. He knew Jonas, Mahdi and Magnus had already gone backstage, so there was no chance of being interrupted the time. “Fine. I have.”  
  
“Why?”  
  
“Because I needed time.”  
  
“For what?” Daniel seemed really confused, and Isak couldn't blame him. After what he had said in London? Maybe Daniel didn't feel the same way anymore.  
  
But Isak looked into Daniel’s icy-blue eyes. Blue meets green, and he knew. Daniel still felt the same. “To sort out my feelings… for you.”  
  
“You… But you said…”  
  
“I said I needed to figure out who I was.”  
  
“And you have?”  
  
“I’m getting there.”

 

  
  
——  


 

They didn't go backstage. They went straight into Daniel’s bus, and he texted his friends and asked them to go on Isak’s bus. Daniel and Isak needed to talk.  
  
Isak needed to tell Daniel his story. And he needed to start at the beginning. And it was going to take a while. But when he first started, he couldn’t stop. He told Daniel about everything from childhood to highschool, to first meeting Even. He told him about his mother being mentally ill and himself being prejudice toward people with mental-illness. How it almost ended up costing him his relationship with Even. How he had learned to be a better person because of Even. Their time in California. Their marriage. And finally the painful stuff. The accident. The death of his husband. The funeral. The suicide attempt. The months of wanting to die. The months of pain and suffering and how lonely he had been. And the guilt. The guilt of not saying ‘i love you’ that last time.  
  
And Daniel listened patiently through it all. They drank some wine and ate pizza and Isak talked and talked and talked. And Daniel just listened, without interruptions. The only reaction he had, was grabbing Isak’s hand when he started talking about Even’s death, and squeezing it reassuringly through the rest of the story.  
  
When Isak was done telling and they had sat in silence for a while, both of them taking in what had just been said, Daniel pulled Isak a little closer, still holding his hand.  
  
“He knew.”  
  
Isak just looked at Daniel, stared into those icy-blue eyes.  
  
“He knew Isak. He knew you loved him with every fibre of your soul. He knew.”  
  
Isak couldn't stop himself from crying. He didn't want to either. Hot tears fell down his cheeks. “Thank you.” he whispered quietly.  
  
And then he let Daniel pull him into a hug and hugged him back as tight as he could. And slowly, as the minutes ticked by, he could feel the pain he had just ripped open start to fade again. It would probably still never leave, but it wasn't as dominant anymore. It was manageable. It was okay. He was okay.  
  
“So. Those songs you asked about, back in Paris, I’m guessing one of those where the song you talked about, the funeral?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“You wanna give it a try now?”  
  
Isak pulled away. Looked at Daniel. Daniel just looked back. He didn't expect anything. He wasn't going to push if Isak said no. He was just there, ready to help Isak if he wanted the help. And Isak wanted the help. So he said “Yes.”  
  
  
He could do it. He could sing the song. He felt like he was back there, in the church, singing a final goodbye to his husband. But then he was looking into Daniel’s eyes, and he could do it. He could breathe, he could sing. It was painful and it hurt and he wanted to rip out his heart. But he got through it.  


  
“I am not the only traveler

Who has not repaid his debt

I've been searching for a trail to follow again

Take me back to the night we met

 

 

And then I can tell myself

What the hell I'm supposed to do

And then I can tell myself

Not to ride along with you

 

 

I had all and then most of you, some and now none of you

Take me back to the night we met

I don't know what I'm supposed to do, haunted by the ghost of you

Oh, take me back to the night we met”

 

  


  
And at some point after that, they fell asleep on the couch in Daniel’s bus, tangled up in a hug. And it was just what Isak needed. Daniel might be just what Isak needed.  


 

 

 

  
  
**_—————  
  
“The emotion that can break your heart is sometimes the very one that heals it...” _**

**_// Nicholas Sparks_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs in this chapter:
> 
> \- Follow Me, Muse
> 
> \- How To Save A Life, The Fray
> 
> \- Something Beautiful, NEEDTOBREATHE
> 
> \- On Our Way, The Royal Concept
> 
> \- It's Time, Imagine Dragons
> 
> \- Demons, Imagine Dragons
> 
> \- Gone, Gone, Gone, Phillip Phillips
> 
> \- Ambitions, Donkeyboy
> 
> \- The Night We Met, Lord Huron


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for not answering any of the comments you guys leave on this story. But I promise, I read and cherish every one of them! I'm just so busy with writing WTWCCD and doing the final edits on this story, and on top of that I started a new one. 
> 
> But please, please keep leaving your comments, I really really appreciate them!

 

 

 

 

 

 

**_Grief may be a thing we all have in common but it looks different on everyone. It isn’t just death we have to grieve. It’s life, it’s loss, it’s change. And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, it has to hurt so bad. The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime. That’s how you stay alive when it hurts so much you can’t breathe. That’s how you survive. By remembering that one day somehow, impossibly, it won’t feel this way. It wont hurt this much. Grief comes in it’s own time for everyone in it’s own way. So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty. The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can’t control it. The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes and let it go when we can._ **

 

**_// Meredith Grey - Grey’s Anatomy_ **

 

**_——————_ **

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Waking up next so close to another person who wasn't Jonas or Even felt strange. But not in a bad way. It was just different.   
  
He looked at Daniel’s sleeping face. Took inn his features. When he was sleeping he was so completely different than Even. But when he was awake, Isak could see what Magnus meant. Daniel was a lot like Even. The smile that always reached the eyes, the laughter, the enthusiasm, the constant happiness.  
  
The biggest difference between Even and Daniel was the one thing Isak felt really bad for thinking; Daniel didn't suffer from a mental illness.   
  
And Isak really hated himself for thinking about it. He couldn't think that. It was so unfair. Even had never chosen to be mentally ill. He had hated himself so much for being mentally ill. And Isak had been fine with it. All of it. He had accepted every moment, every episode Even had, all the bad stuff. He hadn't ran away or given up or left Even. He had stuck by him and loved him no matter what happened.  
  
He looked at Daniel again. Thinking how easy life would be with someone like him. No illness, same careers, same lifestyle.  
  
But again, there had never been a problem with him and Even. He had handled it, accepted it, learned to love and embrace it. Basically; Isak hadn't cared that Even was bipolar and had a job that kept him away for weeks or months at a time or that they didn't alway agree on music and movies and ideas about the world. Because Isak Valtersen loved Even Bech Næsheim, with everything he had, everything he was. They had love, the deepest, purest kind. Nothing else mattered, because they loved each other.  
  
And that would be harder with Daniel. Because Isak knew he could never ever love anyone again, like he had loved Even. So if he was going to give Daniel a chance, he had to consider the fact that if they ever hit a bump in the road, it might be difficult to handle.   
  
Or maybe it wouldn’t. Because if Isak had proved one thing this past year, or maybe his whole life, it was that he was tough. He could handle things. He could crawl his way through everything. Laying in that hospital bed all those months ago, in so much pain emotionally and physically, he had never imagined he would ever survive it. But he had. Isak was a surviver. So he could give Daniel a chance, he could take the fall if things didn't work out.  
  
He sat up slowly. The bus had stopped moving. They were parked outside the venue, apparently. “Why weren't they going to the hotel?” He got up, stretched.   
  
“Hey you.” He heard Daniel’s sleepy voice behind him. Isak turned around, looked at the other boy.  
  
“Hey… You know why we aren't at the hotel but at the venue?” he asked, trying to avoid the issue of their… could you call it a relationship? He wasn't sure.   
  
“Because we are in Rome and they booked us a hotel like in the centre somewhere and the bus can’t get there?” Daniel was laughing at him.  
  
“… Right.” Isak answered, biting his lip. He should have remembered that. But his head was so full of thoughts about Even and Daniel and the guilt and what was he supposed to do here? Allowing himself to feel something for someone else felt like a betrayal to Even. But Even was gone. Dead. Even was dead, and Isak was allowed to move on. But he just couldn't accept it in his head. So how could he ever say the words out loud?  
  
“Are you okay Isak?” Daniel sat up, looking concerned.  
  
“Yes. No. I don’t know.”  
  
“Wanna talk about it?”  
  
“Not really. Maybe with Jonas. I don’t know.”  
  
Daniel got up on his feet as well and walked over to Isak. “Then let’s find Jonas.” he simply said, smiling assuringly. Then he walked further into the bus and came back with two hoodies. “It’s November, I’m guessing it’s a bit could out there.” he said at Isak’s questioning look.  
  
Isak accepted the hoodie. Pulled it on. It smelled like Daniel. Somehow it was both comforting and wrong. He should be wearing Even’s hoodie. He should have been sleeping next to Even last night. He should have been with Even. But Even was dead.  
  
“Are you coming?” Daniel asked, before walking out of the bus.  
  
Isak took a deep breath. He could do this.  
  
—  
  
The others were inside the venue, practicing. When Isak and Daniel joined them, no-one made jokes or commented on them having spent the night alone or anything. They just acted like everything was normal and Isak really appreciated that.  
  
He asked Jonas if they could speak and the two boys went into their own tourbus.   
  
Jonas made them coffee and they sat down.  
  
“I feel like I’m doing something wrong.” Isak blurted out.  
  
“Like what?”  
  
“Having feelings for someone else. For Daniel. I feel like it’s wrong. I feel like I’m cheating on Even. And I know it’s fucked up, because Even is gone. He will never ever come back. But I feel like it’s still cheating and I don’t know what to do.” Isak just told Jonas the truth, because he had learned a long time ago that Jonas wasn't judging him and that no matter what, Jonas would accept him.  
  
Jonas stayed quiet for a minute or so. Processing what Isak had said. Probably trying to come up with the right response. Isak doubted there would be such a thing.  
  
“Isak. I can’t tell you what to feel. Only you can feel what you feel, right? Isn't that what Even taught you? And I mean, I get it. Moving on sucks. The feelings you have for this person you have lost, they hold you back. I mean, I’ve been there a couple of times. But in your case, your feelings for Even will probably be there forever. You will never stop loving him. But you can love more than one person. And maybe it’s worth a shot?”  
  
“Maybe. But we’re moving to California.” Isak just realised he hadn't told Daniel this. Maybe it would change everything.   
  
“Have you even tried kissing him?”  
  
“… No.”  
  
“Maybe you should. I mean, what the heck. We have a few days off now. We’re in Rome. Spend some time with him, figure out if you actually have real feelings for him. And then we revisit this conversation. Who knows, maybe you will figure it out on your own? I think you will. And if you at any point realise that you like him enough to give it a chance, tell him about California.”  
  
“Yeah…”  
  
“And Isak?”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“Sometimes love conquers our plans. You chose love over California once. Did you regret it?”  
  
“No.” And he didn’t. Not one bit.  
  
“Just figure things out. Give Daniel a chance to change your mind. Maybe he will, maybe he won’t. But unless you give him a chance you will never know.”  
  
“Thank you Jonas.”  
  
“Anytime. Now, how about going to find our hotel?”  
  
And they did. They piled into cabs with their luggage and went to their hotel. When they arrived at the hotel, it had been a mix up. And Jonas whispered in Isak’s ear that it was fate showing him a sign. Because they had a hotel room less than planned. So Magnus, Mahdi and Jonas shared one, Daniel’s bandmates the other and Daniel and Isak got the third.   
  
Their bandmates defended it with the logic of it all - now they could easier work on their songs together. But as Isak looked over at Daniel, and their eyes locked, it wasn't a doubt in his mind - they both knew what their friends were up to. And Isak didn't really mind at all.  
  
They got up to their room and Isak put down his bag, before pulling out his notepad. In the elevator on the way up, he had an idea. Mostly because he was so busy trying to think about anything but Daniel and their shared bedroom and oh my god. He flipped through it, found what he was looking for, and added some stuff. Then he put it down on the bed he had claimed as his, and turned around.   
  
Finding Daniel sitting in a chair and looking at him.  
  
“What?” Isak questioned.  
  
“Nothing. Just admiring you working. New song?”  
  
“Maybe.” Isak bit his lip. Looked at the other boy. Thought about what Jonas had said. “Wanna go exploring the city? After we shower and change of course.”  
  
“Sounds like a great idea.”  
  
——  
  
An hour later they were sitting in a cozy little cafe and eating breakfast. Getting showered, changed and going out of the hotel had been a little awkward. Especially since they hadn't talked about what happened this morning. Or, last night.  
  
When they had ordered their food, they sat in an uncomfortable silence. Isak decided that it was time to let Daniel in. At least let him know why he was acting so on and off. He reached over the table and grabbed the other boy’s hand.  
  
“Daniel?”  
  
“Yes?”  
  
“I’m sorry. I know I’m an confusing person and that I’ve been acting oddly and-“  
  
“Isak. You're not acting oddly. You lost your husband. That’s a hard thing to recover from.”  
  
“And you are way too understanding.” Isak said, biting his lip and smiling, before looking down. How could he phrase this? ‘I think I like you but I’m not sure if I can be with you but I want to try and see how it goes?’ That sounded a little… crazy. “I… I like you.” he settled for.  
  
“I like you too.”  
  
“I just don’t know if I can do this. I mean, I want to try, but I don’t want you to get your hopes up and then end up getting hurt because I can’t do it.”  
  
“I’m willing to take that risk Isak.”  
  
“You are?”  
  
“Yes. I have been willing, ever since London. I’ve just waited for you to decide whether you wanted it or not. And I am willing to take the risk that you’ll break my heart. To quote a favourite book of mine ‘It will be a privilege getting my heart broken by you’.”  
  
“Oh my god.” Isak said, laughing.  
  
“What?” Daniel smiled, not quite catching you.  
  
“I go from one quote master to another. How do I even end up finding you guys?” Isak laughed.  
  
“So Even did a lot of quotes?”  
  
“ALL the time. Movie quotes. Endlessly.”  
  
“Well. I hope you can live with a few more?”  
  
“I can.” Isak smiled, squeezing Daniel’s hand.  
  
“Does this mean you're willing to give me a chance?”  
  
“It is.”  
  
And he did.  
  
—  
  
They spent the day walking around Rome, exploring. Daniel tried to pull another ‘let’s serenade Isak by a fountain’ shenanigan. Isak stopped him. Three times. By the fourth time he just gave in and let Daniel clim onto the ledge of the fountain. Then he grabbed his hand and pulled himself up along side of Daniel, grabbed the other boy by the neck and kissed him.   
  
It was so out of the blue and in the moment and Isak was shocked by his own actions. He pulled away as quickly as he went in, but was stopped by Daniel grabbing his hand. “Isak.”  
  
Isak looked up. Green eyes meeting icy-blue. And he just knew. He let the other boy pull him back in, so close he couldn't see his eyes anymore. Felt his breath on his face. And then Isak leaned in again, and Daniel met him halfway, their lips locked in a kiss. It wasn't a peek like a few seconds ago, but it wasn't deep and messy either. It was tender and sweet and it made Isak feel like he was on fire. His heart started fluttering in his chest and he could feel his cheeks getting flushed.  
  
When they pulled apart, some people nearby was applauding them, a few people made ‘aww’-ing sounds. Isak was too lost in Daniel’s eyes to even care. He found himself wondering why he hadn't done this earlier. And then he remembered what had held him back. And he pulled away. “Sorry.” he whispered hurriedly, and jumped down, started walking away.  
  
“Isak.”  
  
He didn't stop. He just kept walking. All he could think about was Even. If he did this he was really closing that door. And he couldn’t, he couldn’t leave Even behind. He wasn't ready to let go.  
  
“Isak stop.” A hand grabbed his. Turned him around. Another hand lifted his chin, forced him to meet those icy blue eyes. “Isak, don’t run away from me.”  
  
“I can’t Daniel. I can’t do this. I can’t close that door.” Isak tried to pull away, he looked away, he felt panic seeping in. He wanted to run away, he wanted to cry, he wanted Even to hold him.  
  
“You don’t have too.” Daniel said.  
  
“… what?”  
  
“You don’t have too. Let go of Even. Close the door. You don’t have too.”  
  
“I-“  
  
“Isak. I can handle you loving another man. I can handle you not being ready to do everything just yet. I can handle you having good and bad days. I don’t care if it’s not easy all the time. As long as you’re willing to give me a chance I promise I will be there. If you need space and distance and just a friend for a night, I can be that guy. If you need someone to hold you I can be that guy. And if you need someone to kiss you so deeply you forget your troubles for a few seconds, I can be that guy as well. Just give me a chance. Please.”  
  
He could see the desperation in Daniel’s eyes. The hurt from London. The hope after this morning. Isak found himself wishing he could just let himself fall for Daniel without all this hesitation. He wished that things could be easy and fun and simple. For a second he even wished he hadn't fallen so deeply for Even, hadn't let himself love the other boy so deeply. And then he mentally scolded himself for thinking that. Because if he could go back and do it over again, he wouldn't change a single thing. Except the moment when he didn't say ‘I love you’ the last time they spoke. He wished he could change that moment. But life wasn’t a movie. You couldn't change it. It just was what it was, and no-one could change it. What ever was going to happen would just happen and you had no say.  


Except, you did. You could make decisions. And they would effect your life. And some things was bound to happen either way. And you just had to live with those. And Isak could live with a lot of things, he had realised over the past year. But could he live with breaking this man’s heart just because he couldn't love him back the same way he loved Isak? “Daniel… I can’t do that to you.”  
  
“Why? I don’t care if you never love me the way you loved Even.”  
  
“And what if I never love you at all?”  
  
“I can live with that too.”  
  
“Daniel, no.”  
  
“Just do what you promised me this morning. Give me a chance to change your mind. We can go as slow as you need to. If it doesn't work out by the end of the tour, I’ll accept your decision and back off.”  
  
“We have like three weeks left.”  
  
“I guess I’ll have to be very convincing then.” Daniel joked.  
  
Isak didn't laugh. But he did smile slightly. “Okay.”

 

“Yeah?”  
  
Isak nodded slowly. He became aware of their surroundings. They were in a alley, and there wasn't anyone else around right now. He bit his lip. “Daniel?”  
  
“Yes?”  
  
“Can you hug me maybe?”  
  
And the blond haired boy smiled brightly, and wrapped Isak in a tight hug. And after a few seconds, or minutes maybe, Isak could feel the panic leaving his body. And even if his heart still ached for Even, he found himself wishing Daniel could do it. He wished Daniel could change his mind, or more importantly; his heart.  
  
—-  
  
They walked around Rome for a few more hours. Daniel didn't try to pull anymore stunts or touch Isak again. He kept a safe distance without really keeping a distance. Like, he acted like nothing had happened even tho it had. Isak appreciated it. They decided to go back to their hotel room and order room service for dinner, watch a movie and maybe get some songwriting done.  
  
As they got seated on the couch in their room, with food and a cheesy movie on the tv, Isak started to feel better again. If he was going to do this, he needed it to be slow. And Daniel had said he was fine with that. But what if Isak could never go the distance? What if he could never get passed the panic of losing his memories and for Even. The panic of letting go.  
  
“Isak?” his train of thoughts was stopped by Daniel’s voice saying his name softly.  
  
“Mhm.” Isak mumbled, and placed his mostly untouched plate of food in front of him.  
  
“I thought… After you shared your story with me, maybe I could share mine with you? It’s not as tough as yours, but…”  
  
“Please.” Isak found himself whispering. He needed a distraction. And he really wanted to learn more about Daniel. He barely knew him, apart from his musical history and what he was like to be on tour with and how nice he was to Isak. But he didn't know anything about his life, apart from the mentioning of having a heart-condition.   
  
“I was born just outside of Oslo and grew up there. I didn't have a lot of friends as a kid, I was kind of shy you know? And when I turned twelve, I just knew two things. One, I wanted to make music and two, I was really gay. Like, I have never ever kissed a girl and I never ever want to, kind of gay.”  
  
Isak laughed at that, remembering his own challenges with coming to terms with being gay. “I can’t really picture that you know, you act so… not flamboyant.”  
  
“I wasn't then either. I wasn't talking about being that kind of ultra gay you see in movies and in gay-bars sometimes. Which I by the way think are really brave to be so out and proud of who they really are.” Isak nodded at that and mumbled a ‘me too’. Daniel smiled at him and continued. “I just really didn't like girls or girly things at all. Like, I hated the colour pink and the way girls interacted and I just, I just knew. And for a while I struggled with it, but at fifteen, I met this guy. His name was Martin. He was so great, a few years older and he showed me that it was okay to be who I was. He helped me with the guitar, taught me to play enough to do a few songs. He was just great.”  
  
And Isak was baffled over how similar stories they had. He had meet Even while being young and struggling to accept himself and Even had helped him through it.  
  
“Then, after my band’s fifth show I think, I fainted. And I thought it was just dehydration or something silly like that. But when i tried to get back on my feet after regaining conciseness, I fell over again, and I had this prickling feeling in my left arm and my chest felt tight. And the next thing I knew I was in the hospital. I was seventeen and they told me I had a heart condition. And my boyfriend, the sweet guy who had loved me and supported me and helped me, Martin, he just left me. He said he couldn't do this. He couldn't do sick people. His mother had died when he was young, cancer I think. And his sister was mentally ill and he said he couldn't handle another sick person, and then he left me. And that night, I vowed I would never ever be like him. They operated on me for the first time then.”  
  
Isak found himself moving a little closer to Daniel on the couch, and reached out for his hand. Daniel let him hold it, gave him a sad smile.   
  
“After a few months recovery, I was back on my feet. But our band kind of fell apart for a while. The boys wanted to finish high school and we didn't have the time to start up again. I was fine with that. I didn't graduate, because I lost half my second year and never bothered to retake it. Started working in a coffeeshop and played guitar and hung out with my friends in my spare time. They all graduated one and a half year later and I partied with them during their russefeiring. That’s when I ended up in the hospital again. This time I was in for almost a year. They kept monitoring me, waiting for a heart transplant that never happened. They never found a suitable donor. They gave me a pacemaker instead and I was allowed to start living again. But no alcohol, no heavy exercise. And no singing. But I couldn't stop the singing.”   
  
Daniel laughed, and shook his head. Isak knew the feeling. When you first found your calling, you couldn't just give it up. Health be damned.  
  
“So we decided to give it a careful try. We spent our time writing songs, not preforming anything, just spending time together and preparing for when we would get to really start our careers. The boys started studying higher education and stuff. I was on a waiting list for a heart transplant, spending my days working different jobs, part time only. Then we decided to go backpacking through Europe. And if I had known what was going to happen to me, I would have never left Norway. But hindsight is a bitch, right?”  
  
Daniel pulled his hand away, looked down. And Isak instantly knew this was bad.  
  
“I met him again. In Amsterdam. Martin. He was partying, doing drugs, having the time of his life. And I was twenty-six by then, already living the life of an old person and I just wanted to live and be young for one night. I hadn't gotten to do that since I was sixteen. It turned into a nightmare. He gave me some drugs. Probably a lot. I can’t remember most of it. Only bits and pieces. Drinks in the bar, coke in the bathroom, different pills… And then flashes of a hotel room. Being naked, but not only with Martin. There were girls there too. And I- I got raped. By the girls. By Martin. I woke up, and everything hurt. And I knew I had to get out of there. So I gathered my clothes and ran out of there. But the drugs, the alcohol, the stress and panic - it all caused me to have a massive heart attack. One that my pacemaker couldn't help. So I passed out in the street. I barely got to the hospital in time. And when they found drugs in my system, they had to report it. I was dropped from the transplant list.”  
  
Isak slowly wrapped his arms around Daniel’s shoulders. Pulled him a little closer. Daniel let him, but didn't fall into his chest right away. He wasn't done talking.  
  
“I ended up getting on a medical-flight back home. Spent nearly two years in the hospital, this time both in the surgical unit and rehab. I had to stay sober for a year to get back on the list, and in the meantime, they preformed surgery on my now ruined heart eight times. Just to keep it beating. At a point I was near death. I think I died a few times on the table. And just because I was acting young and stupid for one night, my life was now going to end. But then I got the message. That they had a potential donor. And it was a match. And after the surgery, I woke up feeling like I was seventeen again. Like I could finally be myself again. I had to stay a few more weeks in the hospital to recover, but once I got out of there, the first thing I did was sit down with my friends, telling them everything. I hadn't told them about the night in Amsterdam. I was ashamed. But they all had my back. And we brought the band back together once again. Only this time we started doing gigs and shows. And then the record company contacted us. We signed, played more shows. And then we got the call. To go tour with you guys.”  
  
Daniel stopped there, finally falling against Isak’s chest, tears streaming down his face. And Isak put his arms around the other boy and hugged him tight. Tried to process all the information he had just learned.  
  
And he realised how selfish he had been. He hadn't even considered that Daniel might have his own demons to fight. He had only focused on himself and the pain of losing Even. Daniel had been hiding this pain from him for months now. Isak had just taken and taken and taken from Daniel, expecting him to just help him without giving anything back.   
  
But then again, he hadn't known the whole story, because no-one had told him. But Daniel had chosen to tell him now, confide in him now. And Isak needed to do what Daniel had done for him. He needed to help Daniel.  
  
“You had no reason to be ashamed Daniel. You did nothing wrong.”  
  
“I made a stupid decision who almost cost me my life.”  
  
“But you survived. Like you said, you just wanted a night of fun. We’ve all been there. You couldn't have known what would have happened to you. And what happened to you was awful. And I am so sorry I didn't know before.”  
  
“I didn't tell you.”  
  
“I know. And I’m sorry you’ve been carrying this alone. You are so strong. And I am so sorry if I have been making this harder for you.”  
  
“You haven’t. If anything, helping you with your problems have been making me forget my own.” Daniel sat up, dried his tears and looked at Isak. “But do you believe me now, when I say that it doesn't matter to me if you need all the time in the world? Because I need time to. I just need to know you are willing to give me a chance. I don’t expect make-out sessions or sex, because I don’t know if I can go there myself. I just want this-“ he pointed between himself and Isak “this we have right here, I want to keep that. I want to give it a real chance.”  
  
Isak reached out and put a hand on Daniel’s cheek, stroking it carefully. Moved his hand, put it on the back of Daniel’s neck. Waited for the other boy’s eyes to meet his. Then he moved in slowly, and kissed him. Not passionately, but more than a peak. He slowly moved away again, smiling softly.  
  
“Let’s take it one day at a time, okay?”

 

 

 

 

 

**_—————————————_ **

**_  
Love, love is a verb_ **

**_Love is a doing word_ **

**_Fearless on my breath  
  
// Teardrop - Newton Faulkner_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know how this happened but I have written an entire chapter without a song. Sorry about that!
> 
> Please leave me you thoughts on this chapter, I'll hopefully post the next really soon!


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter before the epilogue!
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone who has read this story. I know it's a hard story to read - it was hard to write too. But I just had to write it. Hope you can forgive me.

**_People have scars in all sorts of unexpected places. Like secret road maps of their personal histories, diagrams of all of their old wounds. Most of our old wounds heal, leaving nothing behind but a scar. But some of them, don’t._ **

**_Some wounds, we carry with us everywhere… and though the cut is long gone, the pain still lingers._ **

 

**_// Meredith Grey - Grey’s Anatomy_ **

 

 

**_————_ **

 

 

 

 

The next days after Isak had learned about Daniel’s secrets, they had spent all of their time together. Going sightseeing, writing songs, watching each other practicing with their bands, watching crappy movies and sleeping next to each other on the bed. They had kissed again, twice. Without Isak panicking too much.  
  
They had even worked on a song together, and today was the day they were going to try it out with their bandmates. They hadn't exactly told them about it yet, knowing that not all six of them could play it. They were going to figure it out today.  
  
As they approached the venue, Isak felt nervous for some reason. Daniel grabbed his hand and squeezed it reassuringly. “You okay?”  
  
“Yeah. Just nervous. For their reactions.”  
  
“Yeah me too.”  
  
They exchanged a smile. Let go of each others hands. Went inside and found the other boys playing already. They walked up to the stage and sat down with them.  
  
“Hello boys.” Magnus said, smirking.  
  
“Hey.” Isak said, sitting down next to Jonas.   
  
Jonas smiled at him and gave him a hug. “What’s up?”  
  
“We have written a new song… together.” Isak said.  
  
“And we don’t know which one of you are going to play it…” Daniel added.  
  
Everyone fell silent, exchanged looks. Jonas shrugged. “Let’s hear it and then we’ll decide?”  
  
-  
  
Jonas, Andreas, Lars and Mahdi ended up playing with them. They were onstage, ready to try it out, only waiting for Isak and Daniel to be ready. And Daniel looked ready, but Isak was not feeling ready. Which was why he was pacing the stage. This felt like such a huge step. Singing a song he wrote with someone else, someone who wasn't Even.  
  
He walked over to Jonas, dragged him aside. “I can’t Jonas.” Tears started building up in his eyes.  
  
“You can.”  
  
“No it’s-“  
  
“You can. Relax. Just because you wrote a song without Even, a song who isn't just about him but also about someone else, doesn't mean you are letting go of Even. It doesn't mean you can’t write another song about Even. It doesn't mean you have forgotten him. It just means you are moving on. And not in a bad way, okay?”  
  
Isak simply nodded, dried the tears.   
  
“And Isak?”  
  
“I’m proud of you for giving Daniel a chance. It looks like he makes you happier.”  
  
Isak looked from Jonas to Daniel and back again. “He really does.”  
  
And just like that, he knew what to do. He could sing this song with Daniel, because it was about them. They had written it together, and yes; Even had been the inspiration behind it, but it had been Daniel and Isak. It was their song.  
  
“Ready.” He said loudly so everyone would hear, walking back towards Daniel.  
  
“Ready.” Daniel echoed, smiling at him, those icy-blue eyes sparkling.  


  
_“Just say the word, we'll take on the world_

_Just say you're hurt, we'll face the worst_

_Oh_

 

_I can see, see the pain in your eyes_

_Oh, believe, believe me and I have tried_

_No, I won't, I won't pretend to know what you've been through_

_You should know, I wish it was me, not you  
_

_And just say the word, we'll take on the world_

_Just say you're hurt, we'll face the worst_

_Nobody knows you the way that I know you_

_Look in my eyes. I will never desert you._

_And just say the word, we'll take on the world”_  


  
  
They had finished the lyrics last night, while working on another song Isak had started. He had started it back in Paris, but never gotten around to finish it. And he had been stuck again last night, Daniel had tried to help him and their conversation had resulted in finishing up this song.   


 

 

_“And it's the fight, and the fight of our lives_

_You and I—we were made to thrive_

_And I am your future, I am your past_

_Never forget we were built to last_

_Step out of the shadows and into my life_

_Silence the voices that haunt you inside_

 

_And just say the word, we'll take on the world_

_Just say you're hurt, we'll face the worst_

_Nobody knows you the way that I know you_

_Look in my eyes, I will never desert you._

_And just say the word, we'll take on the world, we'll take on the world”  
_

  


And suddenly Isak realised something. In the mess of feelings for Daniel, the stress of figuring out what he wanted or didn't want, the pain in his chest had lessened. It wasn't gone, and he had a feeling it never would be gone. But for the first time since Even died, Isak felt fine. He felt okay. He felt like he could do this, with Daniel or without. Isak could live without Even, and he wanted to live. He really and truly did.  


 

 

_“And nobody knows you the way that I know you_

_And nobody knows you the way that I know you_

_We'll fight, we'll crawl into the night_

_Our world. We'll go with you by my side_

_The calm, the storm, we'll face it all_

 

_And just say the word, we'll take on the world_

_And nobody knows you the way that I know you_

_Look in my eyes, I will never desert you._

_And just say the word, we'll take on the world, we'll take on the world”_

  


  
They all cheered and applauded and congratulated each other. And then they did the song a couple of more times, before making plans to go out for lunch.  
  
Daniel fell into step next to Isak as they walked out of the venue and towards the taxies. “Hey, are you okay?”  
  
Isak looked up at Daniel, green eyes meeting icy-blue. “I think I am. I actually think I am.”  
  


——

  
  
“Will you watch my set tonight?”  
  
“Sure.”  
  
“Promise? I have a song for you.”  
  
“Promise.” Isak smiled at Daniel. He looked so nervous.  
  
Isak reached out a hand, touched Daniel’s cheek, smiling softly at him. “You’ll do great.”  
  
“I know.”  
  
“Doesn’t look like it.”  
  
“Ouch.” Daniel laughed. “I’m not nervous for the show Isak.”  
  
“What are you nervous about then?”  
  
“Fucking this up.”  
  
“Oh.” Isak didn't know what to say. He was afraid of fucking up himself. And while he felt fine with giving Daniel a chance right now, he didn't know how he would feel in the next weeks, months, years. He might realise he could never go further than they had now. He might end up pushing Daniel away because it became too much. He didn't know. And he could see that neither did Daniel. And it terrified them both. “No-one can predict the future. Whatever happens, happens. We just have to accept that it’s how life works. You can’t predict it and you can’t change it. Right now things are good, right?” he watched Daniel nod slowly. “Then let’s just take this day by day.” He didn't add the minute by minute part he usually added. That belonged to him and Even and their life. And that was a closed chapter.  
  
“Day by day. I like it.” Daniel nodded, still looking a little nervous.  
  
Isak smiled fondly. “Get up onstage and do your thing.” he said, poking Daniel in the chest with a finger.   
  
“I will.” Daniel smiled back, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek, before turning around and running up on the stage.

 

Isak watched him go with a smile. He still wasn't sure what he would want when they came home from the tour. If he wanted to stay with Daniel. But right now he found comfort in having the other boy close. And it might be selfish, it might be unfair to string Daniel along. But Daniel had said he was willing to take the risk.   
  
It still felt selfish.  
  
“This is a song for a special someone. I have spent a few days here and there during this tour to write it. And we haven't rehearsed it much, so I hope we won’t mess it up too much. Here goes nothing.” Daniel said, and threw a look directly at Isak, before he started singing.

 

  
_“Loneliness has always been a friend of mine_

_I'm leavin' my life in your hands_

_People say I'm crazy and that I am blind_

_Risking it all in a glance_

_And how you got me blind is still a mystery_

_I can't get you out of my head_

_I don't care what is written in your history_

_As long as you're here with me_

 

_I don't care who you are_

_Where you're from_

_What you did_

_As long as you love me_

_Who you are_

_Where you're from_

_What you did_

_As long as you love me”  
  
_

 

And standing there, listening to Daniel sing this song, Isak knew. He could do this. He could stay with Daniel, because Daniel would never demand anything more from him than what he was able to give. Isak needed time, and so did Daniel. They could heal together. Daniel would never ever be Even. Isak would never be able to love him like he had loved Even. But he could love Daniel. He could stay by his side. He could give this relationship a chance to work out. And he could get through this. He could survive this. They could survive this if they helped each other.

  


 

_“Every little thing that you've said and done_

_Feels like it's deep within me_

_Doesn't really matter if you're on the run_

_It seems like we're meant to be_

_I don't care who you are_

_Where you're from_

_What you did_

_As long as you love me_

_Who you are_

_Where you're from_

_What you did_

_As long as you love me_

 

_I've tried to hide it so that no one knows_

_But I guess it shows_

_When you look into my eyes_

_What you did and where you're coming from_

_Well I don't care, as long as you love me_

_As long as you love me”  
  
_

 

Isak couldn't stop looking at Daniel, looking at him standing out there, singing to the crowd. And he wanted to walk up on that stage and just kiss him, for some unknown reason. Rationally he knew he couldn't do that, but the fact that he wanted to made him smile. 

 

 

 

_“I don't care who you are_

_Where you're from_

_What you did_

_As long as you love me_

_Who you are_

_Where you're from_

_What you did_

_As long as you love me_

 

_As long as you love me_

 

_As long as you love me”  
_  
  
  
When Daniel finally came down from the stage and Isak got to actually kiss him, he realised a few seconds too late that his band was going on stage next. Which meant Jonas, Magnus and Mahdi was coming to join him on stage. And walking up behind them.  
  
“Ohhh!”  
  
“Go get some Valtersen!”  
  
“I knew it!”  
  
Isak turned around. Looked at his friends and rolled his eyes. Then he turned back to Daniel, smiled at him and gave him another quick kiss before running up on stage, flipping his friends off as he went.

 

 

———-

 

Arriving in Vienna, Isak didn't even care about the teasing from the other boys when he and Daniel requested a hotel room together. He just knew that he wouldn't be able to sleep without him by his side. When they got up and had taken a shower, Isak first and Daniel finishing up now, Isak sat down on the bed. He had put on nice clothes and they were planning to go out to dinner with the rest of their bands.  
  
But Isak had this idea he had been thinking about the entire ride here, and he needed to voice it out loud. He wasn't sure if he could do it, but he needed to try. It was the final test, kind of. He had talked to Patrick on the phone about it and his therapist had agreed. It was time to take this final step.  
  
“Ready to head out?” Daniel asked as he exited the bathroom, wearing black jeans and a white t-shirt who was a little too tight. Or just tight enough, depending on who you asked. Isak swallowed hard.  
  
“I- Shit, you make me stupid.” he laughed. “Please put on a sweater or something so I can concentrate.” he made a point of looking away.  
  
Daniel just laughed, but complied. “You know, no matter how much clothes you put on, you have the same effect on me.”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“You too. But that shirt was really distracting.”  
  
“It’s fine.” Daniel sat down next to him, and put a hand on his shoulder “What did you want to say, before my t-shirt distracted you?”  
  
Isak bit his lip. “It’s a very different subject and right now I kind of wanna talk about the t-shirt instead.”  
  
“Isak, we need to talk about the tough stuff-“  
  
“I know that. I just really wanted to talk about the t-shirt and… stuff.”  
  
Daniel moved his hand away and drew a sharp breath. “Isak. I.. I can’t. Go there. Not yet.”  
  
Isak looked at Daniel in confusing for a few seconds, and then he realised how it might have sounded. “Oh. Shit. No. I mean yes, you are very very hot and one day maybe but no. I meant like… I don’t even know how to find the right words.” Isak laughed at himself and shook his head, before taking a deep breath. He turned around so he was directly facing Daniel, who was looking away, and grabbed the other boy’s hand. “Daniel. What I meant was, you look really great in a tight t-shirt and I would love to look at you a little more if you're okay with that. But I didn't mean sex. We’re not there yet. Okay?”  
  
Daniel nodded slowly, the smile returning to his face gradually. “Okay.” he leaned forwards and kissed Isak carefully. When he pulled back, he asked “What did you want to ask me then?”  
  
“I think I’m ready. For the song. Mine and Even’s song. I’m ready to sing it.”  
  
Daniel just smiled, stroked his cheek and got up. He walked across the room and grabbed his guitar. Isak had told him which song it was already, and Isak knew he had been listening to it so he would know how to play it when the day came. The day when Isak was ready. And today he was. Daniel sat back down, waited for Isak to nod, and then started playing softly.  


  
_“One look at you; my whole life falls in line._

_I prayed for you; before I called you mine._

_I can’t believe it’s true, sometimes._

_I can’t believe it’s true.”  
_  


Flashes, memories. Of the beginning. Meeting Even for the first time, sharing that joint on the bench in the school yard. The uncertainty of whether or not Even liked him back. The party at his apartment. The pool and their first kiss. Isak closed his eyes and they all flashed before his eyes.

 

 

_“I get to love you, it’s the best thing that I’ll ever do._

_I get to love you, it’s a promise I’m making to you._

_Whatever may come; your heart I will choose._

_Forever I’m yours, forever I do._

_I get to love you, I get to love you.”  
  
_  
Thinking he had lost Even, twice. First at the party where he saw him kissing Sonja. Then at the plaza hotel. Finding him again. Spending days in bed together while Even recovered. Showing him off at the party with his friends. Going to school together. Moving in with Even. Graduating.  


 

_“The way you love, it changes who I am._

_I am undone and I thank God once again._

_I can’t believe it’s true, sometimes._

_I can’t believe it’s true.”  
_  
  
Moving to California. Studying together, helping each other with homework and projects. Going to the beach, eating ice cream, going to the movies. Making dinner at home. Going to parties, going on vacation and seeing different parts of USA. Learning Even had succeeded. Succeeding himself. Going back home, marrying the man on his dreams in front of all their friends and family.  


 

_“I get to love you, it’s the best thing that I’ll ever do._

_I get to love you, it’s a promise I’m making to you._

_Whatever may come; your heart I will choose._

_Forever I’m yours, forever I do._

_I get to love you, I get to love you._

_I get to love you, I get to love you.”  
_  
  
Buying the perfect apartment. Starting a life together. Going on tour together. Going with Even to movie-sets. Living the life he never would even have dared to dream about. Going on weekend trips, enjoying life with his husband. Late night talks, early mornings with sunrise and breakfast on the balcony. Reading books to each other, watching weird foreign movies. Spending every precious moment together. Even going to Bergen. Isak being mad at him. And Even dying.  


 

_“They say love is a journey, I promise that I’ll never leave._

_When it’s too heavy to carry, remember this moment with me._

_I get to love you, I get to love you,_

_I get to love you.”  
_  
  
The tears were falling down his face. He couldn't stop them, and he didn't want to. Daniel placed the guitar on the floor and pulled him into his arms, and Isak let himself go completely, surrendered himself to the pain and loss and guilt. Let it consume him.  
  
And when the tears dried up, he found himself smiling. Because no matter how painful the bad memories about Even was, the good memories out weighted the bad ones. And Isak had got to love Even. Like the song said, Isak had got to love Even. And that was the greatest privilege he had ever had. Loving someone so pure and true and good. And he would forever carry that with him.

 

 

———  
  
Their final show was going to be in Berlin. It had been a last minute decision to book another show there, because the tour had been selling so good. And this one was sold out in less than one hour. Isak had found what he needed that night in the hotel room in Vienna, to write the song he had started on in Paris.   
  
Write from memories, Daniel had told him. And he had. He had found a really strong memory, and he had started writing a song. And he had practiced it with the boys on the bus here. But now he was on stage and they were going to play it, and he needed more time. He wanted more time.  
  
Just like that night in the hospital, letting go of Even, he wasn't ready to let go. And singing this song, would mean letting go of a part of himself and his memories that he had buried deep down inside.   
  
He grabbed the mic, searching his brain for the right words. Remembered what Even always told him before any show where they were introducing new songs. ‘Speak from the heart. Don’t think. Just speak.’ So he tightened his grip.   
  
“When we started this tour, I was just let out of the hospital. Most people have probably heard about it, but I lost my husband, and consumed by grief I tried to end my own life. And for eight months in the hospital my only wish was to die. I think I still wished for it when we started this tour.” he took a deep breath. The venue was so quiet you could hear a pin drop. “When we arrived in Paris, a place holding so many memories for me, someone helped me see a light. Helped me see that I could still write about Even, despite him not being around anymore. Because the memories would always be there. And this song is about one of those memories. My husband had a hard life, and several times he tried to end it all. And one of those times, I sat by his bed and cried and cried. We were in California and I was all alone and I had no-one else to help me. That’s the memory behind this song. Of me sitting beside Even’s hospital bed, but also of Jonas sitting by my side all those months ago. If it hadn't been for him, I probably would be dead. So Jonas-“ he turned around and looked at his best friend. “Thank you. This one is for you.”  
  
Jonas smiled at him for a few seconds, waited for the cheers to die down, and started playing.  
  


_“Loving and fighting_

_Accusing, uniting_

_I can't imagine a world with you gone_

_The joy and the chaos, the demons we're made of_

_I'd be so lost if you left me alone_

 

_You locked yourself in the bathroom_

_Lying on the floor when I break through_

_I pull you in to feel your heartbeat_

_Can you hear me screaming "please don't leave me””_

  
  
  
This was an actual memory, just like he had told the crowd. During their years in California, right at the start, Even had ran out of meds and didn't tell Isak, leading to a really messy manic episode. And Isak had been away for a lecture one night, leaving Even alone. But he had a weird feeling, and went home early. It was pure luck, because when he found Even he barely had a pulse. They got to the hospital in time, and Isak spent days next to Even’s hospital bed, only leaving to go to the bathroom.  
  
When Even woke up and they talked about it, Even told him about having tried this so many times before, the last time having been after the Plaza incident. And Isak had cried and cried and cried for hours, making Even promise to never ever do that again because Isak couldn't take the thought of losing Even.  


 

 

_“Hold on, I still want you_

_Come back, I still need you_

_Let me take your hand, I'll make it right_

_I swear to love you all my life_

_Hold on, I still need you_

 

_A long endless highway, you're silent beside me_

_Drivin' a nightmare I can't escape from_

_Helplessly praying, the light isn't fadin'_

_Hiding in the shock and the chill in my bones”  
  
_

  
Even had kept the promise. He hadn't ever tried again. He had episodes after that one, but he always reached out for Isak’s help instead of letting the darkness take him.  


 

 

_“They took you away on a table_

_I pace back and forth as you lay still_

_I pull you in to feel your heartbeat_

_Can you hear me screaming, "please don't leave me”"  
_

  
  
The night in the hospital, learning about Even being gone. Gone, but his heart was still beating. Seeing him laying there in that room, lifeless. The only sign of life was the unnatural rising and falling of his chest. The beeping of the machines. Even’s bruised face and the tube down his throat. And then they came to take him away. Because no matter how much Isak had cried and begged, Even never opened those beautiful blue eyes.  


 

 

_“Hold on, I still want you_

_Come back, I still need you_

_Let me take your hand, I'll make it right_

_I swear to love you all my life_

_Hold on, I still need you_

 

_I don't wanna let go_

_I know I'm not that strong_

_I just wanna hear you_

_Saying baby, let's go home_

_Let's go home_

_Yeah, I just wanna take you home_

 

_Hold on, I still want you_

_Come back, I still need you”  
_  


  
As the music faded, Isak couldn't stay on the stage anymore. He had been lost in the memories while singing. Now the reality came back into view, and he needed to get of the stage. He walked quickly off, handing the mic to Magnus as he passed him, and almost collided with Daniel at the exit.  
  
“Isak.”  
  
“I-“ Isak said, before the tears started flowing. “He’s gone. He’s gone and I-“ a sob escaped him. “For ten years. He was by my side for ten years. And in less than 48 hours I have been without him for a year.” hot tears kept running down his cheeks.  
  
“Isak. You're okay. Just breathe. You can do this, you're strong.” Daniel put his hands on Isak’s shoulders, held him steady. “You can do this.”  


“I can’t! Ten years, Daniel. And now I’m moving on and… he’s gone. He’s gone!” the grief hit him like a stonewall. The memories brought back the guilt he had been trying to hard to push away. But it would forever be there, haunting him.  
  
“You can.” Daniel’s soft voice whispered. “You can do it Isak.”  
  
Isak lifted his eyes, green meeting blue. He took a deep breath. Then another. And another. And he was breathing again. And the sobs stopped. And the tears dried.   
  
“Now, get back up there and do one more song.”  
  
“I can’t.”  
  
“You can. Want me to come with you?”  
  
Isak took a deep breath. Found himself nodding without meaning to. “You’ll do that?”  
  
“Anything for you.” Daniel smiled. “What’s the last song?”  
  
Isak thought about it for a few seconds, then shook his head. “Let’s do ours.”  
  
Daniel smiled, and together they walked on stage. Andreas came and switched places with Magnus and Lars joined them on stage. And with Daniel by his side, Isak managed to give the tour a closure it deserved.   


  
The sound of the crowd was so loud he couldn't hear his own thoughts when they left the stage. When Tobias suggested to go out and celebrate with dinner and drinks, it wasn't a single person saying no. They ate at a fancy restaurant, talked and joked and drank champagne. Isak sat next to Daniel, and they shared a few kisses when they thought no-one looked.  
  
It was a great end to the tour. And they all rode in the same tourbus home that night. They had a memorial to get to. Isak had talked on the phone with Lisa a few times the last month, and they had agreed on having a memorial at the graveyard, despite it being December and cold out.   
  
Jonas cornered him just as they were about to get on the bus, and waited until no-one could hear them. “So?” he asked, nervousness in his voice.  
  
“So?” Isak countered.  
  
“Our deal? What’s it gonna be Isak?”  
  
“I think you already know the answer Jonas.”  
  
“It would be nice to hear the words.”  
  
“Fine. I will not try to kill myself again. I want to live.”  
  
“Thank you.” Jonas breathed out a relief.  
  
Isak grabbed his friend’s shoulder and smiled. “No Jonas. Thank you. Seriously.”  
  
“You’re welcome. I love you Isak.”  
  
“I love you too.”  
  
Jonas pulled him in for a hug, and Isak hugged him back with all the strength he had. They didn't let go until they started freezing. Smiling, they entered the tourbus together one last time, ready to get home.  


 

———-

 

 

Arriving back in Oslo, Isak didn't want to let go of Daniel’s hand. He wasn't ready to be back home. And tomorrow was the anniversary of Even’s death, which he already knew would be a horrible day. And he hadn't exactly made a plan, Jonas had said he could crash at his place, but he needed to figure out where he was going to live. Since Daniel hadn't decided if he wanted to go to with him or not, Isak hadn't made any plans beyond the tour. But now it was over, and they were standing outside the bus, bags over their shoulders and holding hands.   
  
“You want to sleep at my place?” Daniel asked carefully, obviously scared to pressure Isak.  
  
“You have an apartment here in Oslo?”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“Why didn't I know that?”  
  
“You never asked.”  
  
“Fair point. Yes.”  
  
“Yes what?”  
  
“Yes, I would like to sleep at your place.”  
  
“Sweet.” Daniel tugged at his hand, pulling him towards one of the taxi’s. Isak laughed, let go of his hand to go and say a quick goodbye to Jonas, Magnus and Mahdi. They agreed to meet at noon the next day for the anniversary.   
  
He then walked back to Daniel and got into the cab and went home with him.  
  
-  
  
Walking in to Daniel’s apartment, he looked around. The place was nice, small and cozy and very Daniel. He walked around, looking at pictures on the walls and the way the place was decorated.   
  
“What are your plans for tomorrow?” Daniel asked him softly, placing his bag on a table   
  
“It’s the anniversary of Even’s…” Isak couldn't bring himself to say the word.  
  
“I know. I meant, when are you going to the cemetery?”  
  
“Noon.”  
  
“Can I come? Like, just for support. As a friend or whatever.”  
  
Isak didn't even need to think before he answered. “Yes.” He might not be ready to introduce Daniel to his family or Even’s family, but he wanted him there, at least as a friend. He truly did.  
  
“Thank you.” Daniel said, walking over to him, wrapping him in a hug. “You are so strong Isak. And I am so proud of you.”  
  
“I don’t feel strong.”  
  
“Well, you are.” Daniel kissed his cheek and pulled away, starting to unpack his bag. Isak just placed his bag on the floor in a corner. He didn't have a home anymore, so he had no reason to ever unpack. It was a strange feeling. He tried to shake it off, occupied his thoughts with the strange but beautiful painting hanging over Daniel’s couch.  
  
“I have an appointment at the hospital at five pm tomorrow, you think you can accompany me?” Daniel asked while walking into the kitchen with some stuff in his hands.   
  
Isak tore his gaze from the painting. “Sure. What’s up?”  
  
“Just a checkup. I did have a heart-transplant you know.” Daniel chuckled.  
  
“I know that. And sure. I’ll come.”  
  
“Thank you. Now, you wanna sleep on the couch or share my bed?”  
  
Isak raised his eyebrows. “What? No dates before you ask me into your bed?” he joked.  
  
“You have been sleeping next to me the past month already.”  
  
“I know. Just teasing. Can we go to bed now? It’s two am and I’m so tired I could fall asleep standing.” Isak said, shifting his weight from one foot to the other.  
  
Daniel smiled, walked over to him and put an arm around his shoulders. Dragging him along, they walked into the bedroom. “I’ll find something you can borrow.” Daniel said, and went over to his closet, pulling out a t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants, handing them to Isak.  
  
Once they had both changed and brushed their teeth, they crawled into bed. Isak moved in close to Daniel and felt the other boy placing an arm over him, before he quickly drifted of to sleep.  
  
——  
  
  
The memorial was much like the funeral. Not everyone from the funeral was there, but the people who mattered was there. Their families. Their friends. The people Even had loved and who loved him back.  
  
Some people made speeches. Most people had brought white roses, like Isak. Isak wasn't sure if he wanted to say anything, because nothing had changed since he last spoke at the funeral. He still loved Even just as much, he still missed him just as much. His heart was still broken, his soulmate was dead. Nothing had changed. Yet, it had.  
  
“This past year have shown me that while I don’t want to live without Even, I can. I can live without him. And a part of him will always stay with me, no matter what. The memories and the love will always be in my heart. I will never forget and I will never stop loving him. He will always have a piece of my heart. Even taught me so much, and I am forever grateful for having had the chance to love and be loved by Even. He was beautiful, inside and out, even if he didn't always believe it. He impacted so many people, both through his movies and the people close to him. He always told me that his greatest wish in life was to make a difference. And he did. Even made a difference. He left a positive impact on the world. And no-one will ever forget that.”  
  
He looked around, at his friends. They looked sad, some of them cried, but they all smiled at his speech, some smiles were big, some were smaller. But they all agreed; Even had made a difference.  
  
Isak walked over to the headstone, and sat down carefully. He placed the roses on the grave, and a hand on the headstone. “I love you Even. In this universe and in all the parallel ones. Forever.” he whispered. Let a tear fall. Closed his eyes and took a deep breath.   
  
Then he opened them again, got back up, and walked back to his friends. Daniel gave him a supporting smile, and Isak smiled back, thanking him with his eyes for being here. Then he walked over to Lisa and Anders, and hugged them.  
  
  
——  
  
  
Sitting in the waiting room at the hospital, Isak was squirming. He didn't like this place. Even had died here. Isak had spent six months here. Daniel had spent years here, if you added it up. Isak hated the place. He needed a distraction. “Why are you having a checkup today actually?”  
  
“It’s been one year since my transplant. Why?”  
  
Isak felt like he was getting hit by a truck. It couldn't be? No, the coincidence was too big. It just wasn't possible. Daniel would have told him if that was the case, would he? Isak couldn't get out a single word, he didn't know what to say. He managed to make a casual shrug and Daniel seemed to accept it.  
  
Even had been unhooked from the machines this very day one year ago. And Daniel had gotten a new heart on this day one year ago. What was the odds they had more than one heart-transplant in one day? Isak didn't know.  
  
He was almost about to ask, when he saw her coming. She was walking straight towards them. “Hey Daniel, nice to see you.” she said, cheerful. But Isak was feeling sick. He remembered that face, that voice. She shifted her gaze from Daniel, locked eyes with Isak, and in that moment they both recognised each other. “Isak.” she said, her voice almost just a whisper.  
  
“Tell me this isn't real.” Isak managed to whisper.  
  
“What-“ Daniel started, but the doctor cut him off.  
  
“How did you meet?” she asked.  
  
“On tour.” Daniel answered, sounding clueless.  
  
And her face showed a mixture of surprise and sympathy and Isak knew. Daniel had Even’s heart.   
  
Isak couldn't stay here. Why hadn't Daniel told him? He couldn't believe this. He couldn't take this. He bolted from his seat, running out of the hospital. He heard Daniel call after him, but he refused to stop. He just ran and ran until he was outside. 

 

And then he kept running, all the way to Jonas’ apartment. Which wasn't that long a run, but long enough for someone who hadn't ran for over a year. His phone kept ringing with incoming calls and texts. He ignored the stupid thing.  
  
He knocked on Jonas’ door, pacing back and forwards outside while he waited for his friend to open the door.   
  
“Isak? What-“  
  
“We need to go now.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“To California. I’ll explain later. We need to leave. Tonight.”  
  
“Okay.”

  
  
—

  
  
Three hours later, the four of them was sitting on a plane. Isak told them, without to much details, what he had figured out. The boys caught on quickly and didn't bother him with questions or discussing the subject further. They just accepted his decision and started talking about their new adventure instead.  
  
Isak drifted out after a while, his thoughts wandering. Why hadn't Daniel told him? What was his plan? He must have realised that someone would have recognised Isak at the hospital at one point, why not tell him the truth? Why holding back the information about it? Was he afraid that Isak wouldn't give him a chance if he had told? If that was the case, he had failed. Isak would never forgive him for this.   
  
Daniel had been by his side the whole way, helping him through everything and taking care of him and encouraging him to sing about his feelings for Even. And all the while, Even’s heart had been beating in his chest. It made Isak want to scream.   
  
But they were on a plane and there was other people there so he just gritted his teeth and kept thinking about it in silence. When the plane landed, he made a decision to never think about Daniel again.  
  
The flight was long and when they arrived they were exhausted, but as soon as Isak walked out of the airport and the warm air hit him, the sun shining, he knew this had been the right thing to do.   
  
He was home.

 

 

 

 

 

 

**_———————_ **

 

**_Sometimes the future changes quickly and completely and we’re left with only the choice of what to do next. We can choose to be afraid of it, to stand there trembling, not moving, assuming the worst that can happen or we can step forward into the unknown and assume it will be brilliant._ **

 

**_// Cristina Yang - Grey’s Anatomy_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs in this chapter:
> 
> \- Take On The World, You Me At Six
> 
> \- As Long As You Love Me, Sleeping At Last
> 
> \- I Get To Love You, Ruelle
> 
> \- Hold On, Chord Overstreet


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it. The final piece of this story; The epilogue.
> 
> It has been a tough story to write, and I know it's hard to read. But I just had to write it, the plot just wouldn't leave me alone. I'm sorry if it has offended or hurt anyone of you, that was never my intention.
> 
> I have never been one of those authors who could write cozy and fluffy stories. I write angst, basically. More or less, but the main theme is always angst. And I know that in this fandom, that's frowned upon. So I'm sorry for posting this story. It just wouldn't leave me alone.

 

 

 

 

  
  
**_They say death is hardest on the living. It’s tough to actually say goodbye. Sometimes it’s impossible. You never really stop feeling the loss. It’s what makes things so bitter sweet. We leave little bits of ourselves behind, little reminders. A lifetime of memories, photos, trinkets. Things to remember us by even when we’re gone._**

 

**_// Meredith Grey - Grey’s Anatomy_ **

 

**_————_ **

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
  
Isak was on his way to the cemetery. He had just gotten of the plane from California to Oslo. Today was the day. The two-year anniversary of Even’s death. He had been in California since the day he boarded that plane, which was exactly a year ago. He hadn't once looked back.  
  
When Lisa and Anders asked him if he was coming back for the anniversary when they spoke a few weeks ago, he answered yes immediately. How could he not? Even would forever be a huge part of him and Isak would forever mourn his death.  
  
They offered him to stay with them, but he couldn’t. Too many bad memories. He talked to the boys and they all made plans to go together. Booked a hotel and all. They were going to arrive the day before the anniversary. But because of some mix up at the studios, he needed to stay in California another day because of a meeting with another agency who wanted to produce their next music video. Isak was tired of the meetings - none of the agency’s had any good ideas for their videos. But he knew Jonas, Magnus and Mahdi had looked forward to seeing their families, so he volunteered to stay behind for the meeting.  
  
Which was why he was currently driving alone from the airport in a rental car, fighting the clock to get there by two - which was the time they had agreed on meeting.  
  
He drove a little over the speed limit, but not faster than what he felt like he could control. His thoughts drifted to the meeting and how annoying the lady had been. She was artsy and creative and enthusiastic about her work, just like Even had been, but her ideas annoyed Isak.  
  
The movie Even had been filming in Bergen when he died ended up getting produced after all. Isak wasn’t informed until a week before the premiere, which happened to be right after he left for California.   
  
Apparently, Even had made notes on the entire manuscript, writing down every detail about how he wanted the movie to turn out. So when another director, who happened to be a friend of Even’s, got a call, asking him to take over the project, he decided to do it just like Even had planned. And the movie was released with Even’s name as the director and his friend as a co-director.  
  
Isak had needed months to gather the strength to watch the movie.  
  
He had taken one look at the title and shoved the damn copy they sent him into a drawer, hiding it down there for almost four months before he finally one night pulled it out, showed it into the dvd player and watched the damn thing, curled up on the couch, hugging a pillow and crying.  
  
Even had actually done it. He had made “The boy who couldn't hold his breath under water”. And it was Isak’s life, from childhood to meeting Even, and then their love story up until the wedding. It was romantic and epic and Isak was bawling his eyes out. He ended up calling Jonas in the middle of the night, crying like a baby. Jonas came over, and they watched the damn thing again, this time with Isak curled up in Jonas’ arms and both boys crying.  
  
Isak shook his head at the memory. The dvd was still at his apartment, but he hadn't managed to watch it again. He just couldn’t. He needed to move on, and clinging to old memories wasn't helping. (But some nights, he almost put on the movie to comfort himself, when he woke up missing Even so bad he couldn't breathe)  
  
He caught a name he hadn't heard for a while being said on the radio, and turned up the volume.  
  
_“-which is our new favourite band, and in the studio I have their lead singer Daniel with me. Daniel, thanks for coming.”  
  
“My pleasure.”  
  
“Your band is going on another tour this year?”  
  
“We are. This time we are going outside of Europe as well, so it’s exciting.”  
  
“Last year you did a tour with another band favourite band of ours, but this year you're going alone on tour?”  
  
“So far that’s the plan. Our company from last year has moved to America and the record label doesn't really have any other bands they want to send out at the moment I think. But I’m sure it will be great anyway.”  
  
“Rumour has it you had a fling going on with their lead singer, Isak Valtersen, a year ago?”  
_  
Here we go, Isak thought. He had expected this to happen much sooner, with all the running around cities in Europe and serenading. He found himself holding his breath, grabbing the steering wheel harder.  
  
_“You shouldn't put to much into rumours. Isak is amazing, but him and I are just friends.”  
_  
And while it was nice of Daniel to not plaster their failed love affair all over the media, it hurt like a bitch to be referred to as just a friend. They had been so much more. But who’s fault had it been that they could never be more? Isak’s. Isak had been the one to run away, not Daniel. Isak was the one to blame for his own pain. But it still hurt so badly.  
  
_“Alright, hear that guys? The rumour is just a rumour. Shame, you would have made a great couple.”  
  
“Maybe, who knows.”_ Daniel laughed.

  
_“Over to something else. You have a new song, isn't that right?”  
  
“Well, it’s not new exactly. We just haven't played it for an audience yet. So this will be the first time. The song was actually written a little over a year ago, and then rewritten a little before we recorded it. Today we will play it live and acoustic for you.”  
  
“Thank you so much for that. We will end with the song now, tune in this afternoon for the recorded version. But first, here we have the acoustic version. Whenever you're ready Daniel.”   
  
_  
Could Isak do this? Could he listen to a song Daniel definitely had been working on during those blissful weeks where everything was fine, before he figured out the truth? The weeks when he was starting to accept that moving on was possible, that he could love someone else without losing the memories of Even. He moved his hand over to turn of the radio, but when the soft tunes of the song started playing, he stopped himself, put the hand back on the steering wheel.  
  


_“You had your maps drawn_

_You had other plans_

_To hang your hopes on_

_Every road they let you down felt so wrong_

_So you found another way”  
_  
  
Daniel’s voice brought back all the feelings Isak had shoved under a rock the moment he ran out of that hospital. He hadn't once turned back to talk to the other boy, never responded to any texts or calls. They had left for California that night and Isak never looked back. Whenever the guys brought it up, he shut them down, acting like it never happened. After a while they didn't ask anymore. They pretended it never happened too.  
  
In California, things were both easier and harder. He was away from the reminder of Even’s death, but wherever he looked he saw reminders of the life the two boys had shared there. It was bittersweet. Reminders of a love forever lost, but the memories of it would forever stay with him. They recorded all the songs he wrote on the tour, included a few more they managed to write together and their CD sold to platinum. He was proud of that, having managed to produce and record songs without his muse. Without Even.  
  
But he owed Daniel eternal gratitude for helping him write all those songs, hadn't it been for the other boy, he would never have even tried.   


 

_“You've got a big heart_

_The way you see the world_

_It got you this far_

_You might have some bruises_

_And a few of scars_

_But you know you're gonna be okay”  
_  
  
Isak suddenly found himself regretting running out of that hospital without really knowing why. Daniel had to have known, so he could never forgive him for not telling. Because he had to have known, right? Suddenly Isak felt insecure about his decision. Maybe Daniel hadn't known after all. He never let the other boy explain himself.   
  
Isak pulled over and stopped the car beside the road. He needed to listen properly to this song, and he knew better than to drive while distracted. He had learned his lesson. He pulled on the handbrake and let go of the wheel, closing his eyes. Listening to the soothing music, the softness in Daniel’s voice.  
  
He just knew the song was about him. He could feel it, in Daniel’s voice, the message the song carried. Daniel had written a song about him, while watching Isak writing song after song about Even. He knew Daniel had said time and time again that he didn't mind that Isak would always love Even more than him. Isak still felt bad. Isak had liked Daniel, very much. But Daniel had loved Isak, and Isak knew that had got to hurt, especially when Isak just ran away from him like that, without even waiting for him to explain the situation.

 

 

_“And even though you're scared_

_You're stronger than you know”  
_  
  
His phone pinged with a text. Probably just Jonas or his parents wondering if he was arrived yet. Or maybe they where already there and wondering why he was late. He blocked it out.  
  
  
He needed to make up his mind. He thought he had, the day he had left the hospital. But he hadn’t, not really. He had just shoved the feelings away, pretended the situation had never happened. He had been in denial. He needed to sort himself out.   
  
And he needed to let Daniel explain. If he still wanted too, that was.  
  
He pulled up his phone, ignored the text from Jonas, and scrolled down to see the ones from Daniel, the ones he never responded too.  
  
Five from the night he ran out:  
  
  
FROM DANIEL TO ISAK   
  
Isak, please let me explain!  
  
  
  
FROM DANIEL TO ISAK  
  
Isak, we need to talk. I need to explain, it’s not what you think.  


  


FROM DANIEL TO ISAK   
Call me, please!  
  


 

FROM DANIEL TO ISAK

I am so sorry, please call me back.  
  
  


FROM DANIEL TO ISAK  
  
Isak?  
  
  
  
  
  
Then two from the next day:  


 

FROM DANIEL TO ISAK  
  
I heard you left last night. I guess I have my answer. I’m sorry if I ever caused you pain, it was not my intention.   
  


 

FROM DANIEL TO ISAK  
  
I am however, not sorry for falling in love with you.  
  
  
  
  
And then Daniel had texted him when they released their record:  


 

FROM DANIEL TO ISAK  
  
Just heard your new songs on spotify today. They are really great Isak. I’m proud of you.  


  
  
It had actually made him smile, but he hadn't responded. Because him and Daniel were nothing but co-workers, so to speak. They had been, once, before Isak learned the truth. The horrible truth he couldn't escape. And now, sitting here, listening to this song, Isak found himself actually wanting an explanation.   
  
He read the last text, this one also left unanswered:  


 

FROM DANIEL TO ISAK  
  
Congrats with the platinum!  
  
  
  
And there it was again. Daniel was so selfless. He cared so much about Isak, and it didn't even seem to bother him that Isak shut him out. He still supported and applauded Isak, without pressuring Isak. He had just accepted that Isak had left. The two text was the only form of communication they had this past year. Daniel hadn't tried to contact him again.  
  
And he had called Isak amazing in that radio interview just now.   
  
And a friend.  


 

_If you're lost out where the lights are blinding_

_Caught in all, the stars are hiding_

_That's when something wild calls you home, home_

_If you face the fear that keeps you frozen_

_Chase the sky into the ocean_

_That's when something wild calls you home, home”  
  
_  
Isak didn't want to be just a friend to Daniel. He realised this now. It had taken Daniel saying the words on radio to make him realise it.   
  
But at the same time he couldn't just forgive him for not telling him about it. About the heart transplant. Isak tried to figure out what the reason to keep it secret might have been. But he never figure out a good one. He tried the entire flight to California. When he walked off the plane, he decided to let it go, because he would never figure out the truth by guessing anyway.

 

 

“ _Sometimes the past can_

_Make the ground beneath you feel like a quicksand_

_You don't have to worry_

_You reach for my hand_

_Yeah I know you're gonna be okay_

_You're gonna be okay”  
_  
  
It was as if Daniel was singing directly at him. Isak felt weak, like if he had been standing now his legs would probably buckle and give out underneath him.   
  
Why hadn't he given Daniel a chance to explain back then?  
  
He found himself typing a text to the other boy.  
  
FROM ISAK TO DANIEL  
  
Can we talk?  
  
But he didn't send it. He deleted it again. He couldn’t just come and ask that, after a year of radio-silence. It was a totally unfair thing to do… but so was withholding the information that you had the heart of your new boyfriend’s ex-husband beating in your chest.   


 

_“And even if you're scared_

_You're stronger than you know_

 

_If you're lost out where the lights are blinding_

_Caught in all, the stars are hiding_

_That's when something wild calls you home, home_

_If you face the fear that keeps you frozen_

_Chase the sky into the ocean_

_That's when something wild calls you home, home_

 

_Calls you home_

_Calls you home_

_Calls you home_

_Calls you home”  
_  
  
Isak found himself wondering if Daniel had chosen this exact day to release the song because he knew Isak would be home, because of the anniversary. When he listened to the other boys singing softly, singing words that made Isak’s spine tingle, he had a feeling that was the exact intention. That Isak would hear the song and decide to talk to Daniel.  
  
And he wasn't even mad about it, but he felt like he should be.   
  
He had spent so much time last year denying his feelings, refusing himself to move on. Before that he had even refused to live. He didn't want a life without Even. A life alone.  
  
He still didn't exactly want a life without Even. He missed his husband every single day. But he didn't want to die. Isak wanted to live. And he knew he had Daniel to thank for that. But up until this moment, he had pretended Daniel didn't exist.   
  
He had learned about this in school once. When your brain is trying to protect you, it shields memories and events from you, buries them deep in your sub-conciseness, make you ‘forget’. It was common with victims of trauma, rape-victims, people who had terrible things happen to them. Isak had thought about it when he stayed in the hospital those six months himself. Wishing it would just happen to him, so that the pain would disappear. Then he would regret even thinking about such a thing, feeling shame and guilt consume him and make him feel even more pain than before.  
  
But that’s what had happened with the memories about Daniel and him, he figured. He had suppressed them in his mind, because after what happened with Even, he couldn't take anymore pain. So he just shoved it away, buried it deep and forgotten all about it.  
  
Until he heard this song.  


 

_“If you're lost out where the lights are blinding_

_Caught in all, the stars are hiding_

_That's when something wild calls you home_

 

_If you're lost out where the lights are blinding_

_Caught in all, the stars are hiding_

_That's when something wild calls you home, home_

_If you face the fear that keeps you frozen_

_Chase the sky into the ocean_

_That's when something wild calls you home, home”  
  
_ And now, all he wanted was to talk to Daniel. At least to get to know his side of the story.   
  
And maybe there was a good enough explanation for him to forgive the other boy. Just maybe.  
  
He put the car in gear again and pulled out on the road, continuing his journey to the cemetery. Finding his way wasn't a problem, he knew very well where it was. Finding a parking spot was a little trickier, but he managed. When he got out of the car, it was cloudy and cold. Maybe it would snow? It was after all December.   
  
He grabbed the flowers and walked quickly to the place where Even was buried. He saw Even’s parents, his own parents, their sisters, Jonas and the boys already there. A couple of their other friends. He walked over to his parents and hugged them briefly. Then he took the round, and hugged his sister, Even’s sister, Even’s parents, and all his friends in turn. When he finished he just stood next to Jonas, staring at the grave.  
  
He took a deep breath, before going closer and sitting down, placing the white roses on Even’s grave. “I miss you.” he whispered so low no-one else could hear. He looked at the gravestone. Put a hand on it. Stayed like that for a while, remembering the past times he had been right here. The first time, watching them lower the casket into the ground. Throwing dirt on top of it, because it was a custom to do so. Staying behind when everyone else left, falling to his knees and breaking down, crying his heart out. Having Jonas help him back on his feet and guide him back to his car. And then on the mark of one year, when he had let Daniel come with him to this gathering. He hadn't introduced him as anything last time, because he felt it would be rude to Even’s family. And they hadn't really decided whether they were dating or not yet, so there wasn't anything to tell.  
  
And now he was here again, and it didn't feel like a year had passed at all. He kept looking at the stone. “It’s been two years Even. Can you believe it? I have survived two years without you by my side.” A tear fell from his eye. This hurt so much, whispering the words out loud. It made it more real. Final. “I still love you so much. And I will keep loving you forever. I promise.” He stayed a few more minutes. It started to snow, and the sun set. It was after all winter, so the days were short. Isak found himself looking up at the sky, at the falling snow. He had never been religious, neither had Even. But right now, Isak found some comfort in his mother’s beliefs. Maybe Even really was up there, watching over him. He hoped so.  
  
Isak got back on his feet, walking over to Jonas again. Unlike the last time, no-one had anything to say today. Isak was fine with that. He took in his friends, their appearances. They looked just as devastated as they had a year ago. And the day they buried Even. The girls were crying. So was Even’s parents, Isak’s mother. Isak himself too. And he could swear he saw tears in the eyes of his bandmates. They had all loved Even.  
  
After a while, it was so dark they decided to leave. They made plans to meet up tomorrow at Lisa and Anders’ place, and then they started leaving. Isak decided to stay behind a little longer. When he was sure everyone had left, he walked closer to the gravestone again, sat down in the snow.  
  
“I wish so badly you were here Even. I miss you so much, I can’t stand it. I thought I was okay, when I was over there. I thought I had moved on. But today I figured out that I hadn’t. Not from you, not from him.” he felt his voice break, the tears fall down his cheeks. He knew he wasn't really talking to Even. Like previously stated; Isak didn't believe in God. But somehow it was comforting. Like Daniel had told him the year before; ‘Funerals and graveyards are for the living, to help them move on. The dead are just that. Dead. Gone. We have funerals for the loved ones left behind, the gravestones so we can go back and remember them. And sometimes speaking out loud, the things you are feeling, can help. And having something to direct those words at, makes it easier to speak.’  
  
“I really wish you could tell me what to do Even, because I really don’t know.” he cried.  
  
“Maybe a shoulder to cry on?” he heard a voice behind him.   
  
  
He quickly turned around, his green eyes meeting Daniel’s icy blue ones. He got to his feet quickly, and took a step closer to the other boy. “What are you doing here?”  
  
“Paying my respects to Even. Well, that was my plan anyway.”  
  
“Why?”  
  
“I know he was your husband and all, but I admired him a great deal you know. And he gave me a chance to live. And while it’s horrible that he’s gone and that I’m here, I am grateful and I want to pay my respects.”  
  
Isak could feel the bitterness in Daniel’s voice. He was probably thinking that Isak would rather have switched - that Daniel should be dead and that Even should be alive. He felt a twig of guilt. “You’re only half-right. I wish Even would still be here. But I don’t think it’s horrible that you're here.”  
  
“Yeah? That’s why you rushed out the door and jumped a flight to the states instead of giving me a minute to explain a year ago?”  
  
Isak looked down, shook his head. “Daniel…”  
  
“What? You hate me so much you still don’t want that explanation?”  
  
“Wrong again. I never actually hated you. I was really upset and confused, that’s true. But I didn’t hate you. And I want the explanation now.”  
  
“Yeah? Why did you never return my calls?”  
  
“I don’t know.” Isak said, biting his lip. “I guess I got scared. I was just starting to recover from the loss of… of my husband. My soulmate. And then we were sitting there, and you told me that you got the transplant on the date Even died and I panicked, and then the doctor confirmed my suspicion and I just had to get out of there. I panicked. I am sorry.”  
  
“… and since you panicked you just blocked me from your mind. I kind of get that. But I have to admit, it fucking hurt. I tried running after you. I called you so many times I lost count. I sent you texts. And you never let me explain.”  
  
“You could have explained in a text.” Isak countered.  
  
“No. This is not something you say in a text.”  
  
“Why not?”  
  
“It’s just not, it’s just wrong. It needs to be said in person.”  
  
“Say it now then.”  
  
“Right here?”  
  
“Yes. Say it. Explain to me why you never told me that you have my dead husband’s heart beating in your chest.” Isak said, voice breaking, bitter angry tears dripping down his cheeks. “Say it.”  
  
Daniel looked so conflicted. He might have been angry a few seconds ago, but now he just looked sad and conflicted. He took a step closer to Isak, but Isak just backed away, not letting himself fall for that right now.   
  
“JUST FUCKING SAY IT!” Isak yelled. He knew that if Daniel pulled him into a hug, he would probably end up forgiving the other boy just like that. And he needed to hear the truth first. He had to know. He just had to. Daniel threw up his arms in frustration, backed away a step again.  
  
“I DIDN’T FUCKING KNOW IT WAS HIS HEART!” Daniel yelled back.  
  
And then the cemetery fell so silent you could almost hear the snow flakes land on the ground.  
  
There it was. The only explanation Isak hadn't pictured, the only reason he hadn't considered. The possibility that Daniel hadn’t known, hadn't once crossed his mind.   
  
“… what?” he found himself whispering without meaning to speak. His mouth just formed the words without him wanting to say it. He shook his head, paced back and forwards. “How could you not have known?”  
  
“They don’t tell you who the donor is, unless you need to know. And the only information I got was that the donor was healthy and died of brain damage. They wouldn't tell me the name or any other information. And the night you ran out on me, the doctor told me the reason. Even was a famous person, and part of the deal both you and I signed that night, on different papers, was a non-disclosure form. They could never tell me where the heart came from, because of the papers. So I didn't know. I didn't fucking know I had his heart. I wish I had, so I could have told you. But I am sorry. And I hope you forgive me.”  
  
Isak just looked at Daniel while he spoke. Stopped pacing. Stared at the other boy for a few seconds after he had finished speaking. Realising something. Then he started laughing at the irony, because it was kinda funny. It might be morbid to laugh in a cemetery, on your ex-husband’s grave, but he couldn't stop himself.  
  
Daniel looked so confused, Isak couldn't help but laugh even harder. “Why are you laughing?” The blonde boy asked.  


Isak gathered himself a little, took the three short steps needed to get close to Daniel and placed his arms around his neck gently. Looked the other boy in the eyes, with a smile plastered to his lip. A genuine smile. Green eyes meeting icy blue. Daniel smiling back, still unsure of the reason behind the laughter. Isak leaning in for a kiss, their lips meeting softly. Eyes opening as they part again, green meeting blue once again.  
  
“Because I managed to fall in love with the same heart twice.”  
  
  
—————————————————  
  
  
Daniel had a concert so they had to leave the cemetery. Isak drove them to the arena, and came with him backstage. He meet Daniel’s bandmates, shook their hands and did some smalltalk. When it was time for the band to go on stage, Isak walked with Daniel.  
  
“I saw that movie. The one Even was making when he…” Daniel said, looking down as he did.  
  
“Yeah? It nearly killed me.” Isak admitted.  
  
“I kind of figured. It was really beautiful though. I kind of feel like I understand and know him, after watching it. And I understood before how much you love him, but after watching that movie I really… I get it Isak. And I stand by my words. I don’t care if you never love me like you loved him, as long as you give me a chance.”  
  
Isak just grabbed the other boy’s hand and squeezed it carefully, not knowing what to say. Silence fell between them as they walked the final steps. Stopping outside the entrance to the scene, Daniel turned and leaned in for a quick kiss on Isak’s cheek. Isak found himself smiling like a dork.  
  
“Will you stay for the entire show?” Daniel asked.  
  
“I will.”  
  
“Promise?”  
  
“Daniel, what-“  
  
“Just stay.”  
  
“Okay.”  
  
And Isak did. He stood at the opening, looking out on stage, watching Daniel preform without being spotted by the crowd. He was so amazed. He knew Daniel was really good, but this past year he had gotten so much better at being on the stage. He was so much more relaxed and at home than the first time Isak had seen him.  
  
When they had played through their setlist without doing their new song, Isak was kind of disappointed. He had wanted to hear it live.  
  
“For our last number, I have someone backstage who I want to join us.” Daniel said into the mic, looking at Isak.   
  
Isak froze for a second. Looked down at the suit he was wearing. Not really stage friendly. He looked back at Daniel, who held out a hand. Shrugging off his jacket, opening the top button of his shirt, Isak started walking on stage, giving Daniel a look. Telling him with his eyes that he would have appreciated a warning.  
  
“Isak Valtersen, ladies and gentlemen!” Daniel yelled as Isak walked over to him. The crowd cheered unbelievably loud. Someone from the stage crew brought out two chairs and another mic. Daniel threw Isak an apologetic look, and leaned in to whisper in his ear. “Sorry about springing this on you, I just had an idea. I did so many of your songs with you, maybe you could do this one with me? That is, if you heard it on the radio earlier today.”  
  
Isak pulled away, looked Daniel in the eye. Green meeting blue. So he had been right about Daniel planning this all along. He felt like he should be a little ticked of, but he just smiled, grabbed the mic and turned to the audience. “Hello everyone. I am Isak Valtersen, and for tonight’s final number, I will sing ‘Something Wild’ with my boyfriend Daniel Jacobson!”  
  
He turned back to look at Daniel, who was just gaping at him. The crowd went nuts, their screams so loud Isak was sure they would damage his hearing if they didn't stop soon. As they took a seat on the chairs, Isak leaned in close and whispered back, “I hope you didn't mind me outing us.”  
  
The fondness in Daniel’s eyes said what words couldn't express. “Not one bit.”  
  
  
  


 

  
——————————

 

 

**_If you're lost out where the lights are blinding_ **

**_Caught in all, the stars are hiding_ **

**_That's when something wild calls you home, home_ **

**_If you face the fear that keeps you frozen_ **

**_Chase the sky into the ocean_ **

**_That's when something wild calls you home, home  
  
// Something Wild - Lindsay Stirling_ **

 

 

 


End file.
